AIBU for telling my parents about my pregnancy very late? I just sometimes forget they even exist or that I have parents

[BeBreezyAquaFinch]

I need an objective gauge on this because my mother is currently upset with me, and I’m genuinely struggling to see if I’ve done something wrong.

A bit of background: I (35) am heavily pregnant with my first baby with DH, main due date is in early September but baby could come in August. My husband and I are thrilled and looking forward to being parents. Last week, I was on a casual catch up call with my mother and happened to mention the pregnancy. When she asked how far along I was and I told her, she became incredibly upset that I’d kept it a ‘secret’ for so long. The issue is it wasn’t a secret I just didn’t think they’d care. They’ve never really cared about anytbing I’ve been up to. They came to the wedding I even forgot to invite them till my husband asked. It’s not that I’m upset I just forget that they exist sometimes.

To preface: I am not heartbroken or bitter about my upbringing. I had an incredibly privileged childhood and have very fond memories of my parents taking us skiing, on holidays, I got to see the world from a very young age and picking us up for exeat weekends. But the reality is, I barely know them. We did not have nannys or anything of that sort, there’s 4 of us altogether. They’d pick us up from boarding school, take us out etc but all in all we were kind of left to our own devices, money was never an issue my father topped up our accounts whenever we wanted never questioned what we spent the money on, we’d have parties at their house all the time they never cared.

From a young age, my siblings and I were sent to boarding school in the UK. My parents lived all over the world for work Monaco, Switzerland, the US, Luxembourg. Even when we briefly went to school in Switzerland, it was a boarding school. We lived with them for maybe a few weeks a year. I made friends for life at school and have done plenty of therapy as an adult to process it all. I don't hate them at all, but I view them as distant relatives or acquaintances who happen to have given birth to me, rather than "parents."Because we only ever have superficial chat, it genuinely didn't cross my mind to announce the pregnancy to them. I just didn't think they'd care that much.

My mother thinks I've been incredibly cold and hurtful by leaving it until the final weeks to tell her she's going to be a grandmother. From my perspective, we don't have that kind of relationship.

So, AIBU? Should I have managed this differently, or is her reaction unreasonable given the distant relationship they chose to cultivate?

I genuinely do not hate them I just forget they exist. I even have fond memories with them but due to my upbringing to me they’re just somewhat random people who happen to be my parents. My husband has a very different relationship with his parents and he too attended boarding school. We do not plan on sending our child to boarding school. I was raised by other people and essentially raised in an insitution.

Sounds pretty weird to me, did you tell your in laws earlier or did you forget about them too?

How do I work on a relationship? You think I haven’t tried not everything on a post is everything sometimes there is more nuance I can’t put every single thing in one post surely

I think the question really ought to be why haven't they made better relationships with their daughter? Why don't they have a better relationship with her?

Lots to unpack here!

The most obvious, to me, is not telling parents about wedding/pregnancy because "I forgot" and "I didn't think they'd be interested." IMO, forgetting isn't a lie and neither is thinking parents wouldn't be particularly interested. I do think OP wanted to sort of stick it to her parents a bit, get a hurt reaction as needed proof they might care and also to hurt them the way she feels they have hurt her.

Hurt is glaring here, really.

I think the forgetting is a coping mechanism, it's a way to avoid communicating to her parents something that's important to OP for fear of not getting a loving, caring, supportive response so as not to feel let down and alone; so the lack of emotion in their very emotionally distant relationship isn't made obvious yet again and so that OP doesn't have to deal with that, stuff it down, pretend it's ok.

OP, it's not okay. 💐
Please find another therapist to work through this some more and help you navigate the myriad emotions you must be feeling and will feel as a new mum. 💕

You didn't forget at all - take ownership of your proactive choice not to tell them

do you feel better for it? Genuinely do you feel you've inflicted on them some of the hurt you feel they inflicted on you in the hope they might understand?

OP, I have a very different background to you, but some things in common.

Mum was on her own, working out of necessity. So while there were no boarding schools for me, I was left home alone a lot, let myself in after school from about 8 etc. Mum would say this was out of necessity. I'd imagine that your parents may say the same, they put you in boarding school out of 'necessity' so that they could do their jobs. The difference is that your parent's had jobs that provided all sorts of nice optional extras. To a child though, neither fosters a great relationship.

Some of the things you say, often your dad just recommending things, while annoying, could just be his way of showing he cares about you. Same for long conversations about politics or the Financial Times, they're looking for a way to connect. It's not the way you need, but it's their way.

One thing I will say, while mum had her faults and she would acknowledge this, she was a bloody good grandparent. For me, physical punishments when she lost her temper were common, but age changed her and she was just so completely different with her grandchildren. The idea of grandchildren was something she had quietly looked forward to for years.

While our adult relationship was never what I would call close, I learnt to forgive my own childhood and let her be the grandmother that my kids adored.

I'm not saying your mum will be the same, but it's something to think about. Maybe she's been quietly looking forward to this next phase of your life.

My DH went to boarding school, and despite a pretty normal childhood home life otherwise it has certainly affected his emotional development, and impacted his relationship with our children. My DF didn't, but had a terrible relationship with his own father and struggled to interact with me as a teenager. I'm now in my 60s, DF is long dead, and it's only relatively recently that I have come to realise the number of times that DF was trying to connect with me and show his love for me in various stunted, strange ways that made no impact on me at the time.

I would very much like to know what your parents' own upbringings were like, how often you see them in person, and whether these long conversations about politics ARE them trying to form a connection in their own way. Parents can be damaged people too. If your mum didn't care, she wouldn't be upset about this, would she?

I think many of us can recognise that the OP may have been deeply affected by her childhood.

Understanding how odd it is not to tell them about the pregnancy may be what the OP needs to hear in order to explore the impact of her childhood more fully.

Told them in second trimester as I had a miscarriage the first time.

I agree with this. I don't think the OP is being honest with themselves - the excuse doesn't quite cut it for me i.e. either forgetting to tell them or didn't think they would care, forgetting to tell them because you don't think they would care doesn't make sense. There's a lack of emotional intelligence and honesty in OP's attempt at justification.

I understand why you don’t have a close relationship, but to forget to invite them to your wedding or tell them about your baby sounds calculated and over the top.

Sorry if I’ve missed this, but where do you live compared to your parents? Presumably they haven’t seen you in person or would have noticed your bump.

I understand their upset. Claiming to “forget” to invite them to your wedding is pretty awful too given they sound like they did provide you with a privileged upbringing albeit they were emotionally lacking.

Your emotional detachment is odd. It's perfectly reasonable to not have a close relationship with your parents, or to be angry with them, to barely speak to them. But the way they seem irrelevant to you while you maintain a weekly facard of a relationship is odd. I'm not sitting in judgement, I don't think you're being reasonable or unreasonable. You've had an upbringing I can't understand or empathise with. It's outside of my experience. Your reaction to it is outside of my experience. I am concerned about how you'll feel about your role as "mother" in a few weeks time. I'm concerned about how you'll bond with your baby and what will be stirred up in you once they're born. Your emotional detachment feels unconsciously defensive.
If there was ever a time to return to therapy, it would be now

You're getting a hard time here, OP.
I don't think you sound cold at all. I think you've shut yourself off from your parents because that is the only way you have survived emotionally.
I understand the weekly phone calls. They are not what could be described as a conversation but more of a download of their thoughts and opinions I would imagine. All that would be required of you would be to agree now and again.

Parents like this don't want to hear that their children have their own lives, are creating new lives, it takes away from their own self importance, reminds them they are getting older so I understand why you haven't mentioned you are pregnant.

And you don't 'take' from parents like this. Things are foisted upon you. While a flat in central London and a springboard type job might seem like living the dream, it actually erodes your self esteem and again makes the parent the important one.

Good luck, OP. Hope it all goes well for you. Please don't feel guilty about your parents. You have absolutely no reason to.

No I don’t feel better for it ? I’m confused

I would never expect a parent to ask if you were planning to have children as that would generally be considered a rude and intrusive question. I’m very close to my mum but she never asked that, I brought it up myself.

Talking to you about news and politics is probably their way of making a connection with you so I can see why they’d be shocked to learn that you don’t think you have much of a relationship with them and forget they exist.

Have you told your siblings?

You're not being honest with yourself that you "forgot".

It sounds more like you are punishing them in a passive aggressive way by "forgetting" to tell them.

I would get a different therapist or at least stop seeing the current one. You are getting a more honest reaction on here than they have given you, it seems. Not that a therapist should judge you (I'm not judging you either) but a good one helps us to understand our own motivations for the things we do.

And she clearly didn’t forget either - nobody forgets they’re pregnant or that they’re getting married!

Feels very performative

I'm calling bullshit. This didn't happen.

You sound deeply screwed up. It sounds to me like you believed the tv definition of what caring is. People sitting around a table having dinner and chatting isn't the only way to show care. They sent you to excellent boarding schools because if they didn't you would have moved school several times and wouldn't have you "lifelong friends". They chat to you as an adult now, because presumably you are stiff and awkward with them. It takes 2 to make a relationship and it sounds like you are so twisted about your perceived childhood abandonment that you have checked out. I think you need to get a different therapist, or stop lying to the one you have.

Did your parents contribute financially to the wedding that you forgot to invite them to?

By academic I don’t mean they were lectures or anything of that sort I should have explained properly. My father was academic in the sense that he was well educated and liked to keep up with what was going on politically and made us politically aware from quite a young age albeit small c conservative in his beliefs so now there’s lots to talk to him about regarding the state of the Conservative Party.

Social commentary more so but he worked as a hedge fund manager for quite some time and still does ‘freelance’ work on the side and writes for various places. My mother wasn’t in finance, she did teach at universities for a while but then pivoted careers.