Not let dd2 join dd1’s hobby

[freddierose]

Two DD’s 13 months apart, DD1 (9) and DD2 (8).

They are both lovely girls who normally get on really well. Dd2 has always been more advanced than dd1 (walked, talked, potty trained first etc) with this trend continuing.

It’s never been a concern as DD1 was never behind in general, Dd2 just seems preform slightly above at most things.

About a month ago dd1 came to me in tears saying dd2 is better than her at everything and that she hates her. Since then she’s been really down on herself and been unkind to dd2. We’ve been trying to strengthen dd1’s confidence and focus on her own hobbies and friendships separate to dd2 who as far as we’ve witnessed hasn’t actually done or said anything wrong.

DD1 has done a certain hobby since she was 3 which she loves and is quite good at. Dd2 already does lots of activities but has now said she wants to join this one, she watched a film with it in and is really excited about it. DD1 is furious and upset.

I think it would really negatively impact dd1 to have dd2 join her hobby as it’s likely dd2 would quickly overtake her at it so we should say sorry you already do enough activities and that is your sisters one. DH thinks that’s ridiculous and would be enabling dd1’s jealousy and punishing dd2 for nothing so dd2 should be able to join

AIBU to not want to let dd2 join?

I agree with you - I think your younger daughter should choose something else. It must be horrible to have a younger sister who's so much better at everything! Your elder daughter needs a chance to shine.

Is there a way DD2 can do the hobby separately from DD1? So for example if it’s ballet, just attend different schools/clubs?

If it’s something that has very measurable success and grading then I would probably tell DD2 to wait a while and you will review it.

I get where you're coming from. My two were also 13 months apart and similar from the sound of it. Mine were DS & DD though, so slightly easier. I remember DS learning to ride a bike without stabilisers and one day he got it & did a decent distance on his own. Delight all round until little sister took said bike and pedalled off on it!
Could your DD2 do the same hobby at a different group?

To protect your dd1 self esteem and sense of identity you should tell dd2 she already has enough hobbies. Let dd1 have a chance to shine away from her smarter younger sister.

Having had a similar little sister, I'm completely with DD1! Our parents thought they were doing the right thing by being scrupulously fair with everything

It’s a bit more niche than ballet so there is only one place near enough to us where they can do it.

Team DD1.

DD2 has to find something else or do it in another setting than DD1's.

You're not unreasonable. DD1 is in competition with DD2 and that means they need to be doing separate activities. As DD1 has been doing this since age 3, it's "her" activity.

How would your sister have felt about that though if things were made ‘unfair’? Do you get on with her now?

No. Delay dd2 starting the hobby. Dd1 needs something for herself.

What if this turns out to be DD2’s “thing”? Is it progressive/competitive and could she make a career out of it? If so YABU. If it’s just basket weaving or something YANBU. I think in general though DD2 shouldn’t be made to hide her light because she’s ahead of DD1, that’s not how to support DD2.

I think it would be really shit to ultimately punish dd2 for the heinous crime of being slightly talented. She’s excited at trying this new hobby, and will be very aware that the reason why she is not allowed to do it despite her sister being allowed, is because her sister is jealous and is starting to become so unkind and nasty to her that their parents are deciding to pander to her emotions for an easy life. If they used to get on and this jealousy is a new thing, I’d definitely seriously start researching ideas and strategies to help your dd1 become a person who can enjoy things with her sister and even celebrate her successes, instead of banning her in case she becomes ‘better’ at it than her. I think that’s a really shit life lesson for the both of them

Agree, let DD1 have her hobby.

This sounds a bit bizarre? Dd2 can't do something because she might be "too good" at it? So dd1 is allowed to claim things. I really fear this sets a bad precedent. When they get to GCSEs will dd1 only be proud of herself if she does better than dd2? When does it stop? Is dd2 not allowed to do the same degree if she wants to? They're siblings, there's bound to be some shared interests. Isn't shared interests exactly what most parents hope for with a small age gap? Don't force them apart just because dd1 is a perfectionist. Work on that instead. Else she'll really struggle later.

Perhaps doing the same activity will show them both that they can collaborate and they'll have different strengths and weaknesses constantly compared to other people.

It's not dd2's responsibility to manage her older sister's jealousy. Don't make this her problem.

I emigrated and she had a nervous breakdown (not related to me emigrating!). To be fair to our parents, they never compared us, but we were both competitive driven over achievers who were compared by everyone apart from our parents. She'd have been miserable not being allowed, but it would also have been good for her not desperately trying to live up to me.

I have the same situation with my 2 DS. 22 months between them and younger DS is better at everything, just one of those children that finds everything easy and is very likeable and popular on top.

Younger DS is very talented at a particular sport they both play and it’s mentioned all the time by others, and takes over most of our spare time. Older DS has taken up a new sport which seems to have helped him process his little brother being so much better at the other one. Younger DS has shown interest in joining too, and I’ve said no because it’s clear he’d be more advanced at the new sport also. I’ve told him it’s because he needs to focus on his main sport.

I think the main problem is because it’s the younger sibling that’s more advanced. If it was the older one it’s more accepted as the way it should naturally be.

I can see both sides of this. I have two children with a similar gap and it is hard when one out performs the other (especially if it's across multiple things).

I can also see that it's not fair to punish your youngest and not let them do a new hobby because it will upset their sibling.
What are your doing about building up their confidence? Is there something they are good at? I have one who is very academic but shy and reserved, while the other is more outgoing, has more common sense and will put themselves forwards for things. They do shared hobbies (because it's easier to facilitate) but I think they understand they are both different people (youngest is more likely to go to scout camp for example while the eldest won't).

I'd consider what DD2 is like personality wise. Is there a chance she wants to take this hobby up precisely because it's DD1s thing and she knows she'll likely be better at it? Could she want to do it just to piss her off? If so, definitely don't let her.

Honestly I would let dd2 do the hobby. You say she’s done nothing wrong so then it’s not fair to keep her from joining in. It’s not up to dd2 to have to deal with, nor should she be punished for, her sisters jealousy.

Siblibgs need space away from each other. Your elder DD isnt unreasonable to want something that is just hers.

I spent years knowing I wasnt as good as my brother. Took me until adulthood to know that just because I wasnt outstanding at some things, didnt mean I wasnt good at them.

I was DD2 in this scenario many years ago and it destroyed my relationship with my sister. I wasn’t aware of how she felt until I left home and by that time it was too late 😢

I think it would be fine to say to DD2 that she already does plenty of activities. You could ask if there is something else she does currently that she would give up to take this hobby up instead, to gauge how interested in it she really is.

I actually disagree with this. It's one thing and it's special to DD1 who is already struggling with feeling her sister is better at everything. This hobby is clearly a special case.

Could you tell DD2 she's got a full schedule of activities already and you want her to give the current ones a fair chance, but if she's still keen on the new activity in a year (or six months, whatever's appropriate) you can talk about swapping something out for it? She may go off of it or be less keen over time (especially if her interest is based on a film rather than, say, all of her friends doing the new activity). But either way it gives DD1 a chance to build up her confidence in the meantime - if she's only been upset for about a month, this too may fade in time especially as you're actively working to build her up.

Siblings need space away from each other. Your elder DD isnt unreasonable to want something that is just hers.

This. What would you say to DD1 if she told you she needed space from DD2?

Edited having re-read the OP: it sounds like DD1 is saying she needs space from DD2, but your DH is saying she can’t have it?