Not let dd2 join dd1’s hobby

[freddierose]

Two DD’s 13 months apart, DD1 (9) and DD2 (8).

They are both lovely girls who normally get on really well. Dd2 has always been more advanced than dd1 (walked, talked, potty trained first etc) with this trend continuing.

It’s never been a concern as DD1 was never behind in general, Dd2 just seems preform slightly above at most things.

About a month ago dd1 came to me in tears saying dd2 is better than her at everything and that she hates her. Since then she’s been really down on herself and been unkind to dd2. We’ve been trying to strengthen dd1’s confidence and focus on her own hobbies and friendships separate to dd2 who as far as we’ve witnessed hasn’t actually done or said anything wrong.

DD1 has done a certain hobby since she was 3 which she loves and is quite good at. Dd2 already does lots of activities but has now said she wants to join this one, she watched a film with it in and is really excited about it. DD1 is furious and upset.

I think it would really negatively impact dd1 to have dd2 join her hobby as it’s likely dd2 would quickly overtake her at it so we should say sorry you already do enough activities and that is your sisters one. DH thinks that’s ridiculous and would be enabling dd1’s jealousy and punishing dd2 for nothing so dd2 should be able to join

AIBU to not want to let dd2 join?

It’s hard. I’d be tempted to delay signing up DD2 for the class. She may lose interest in it. if she doesn’t DD1 will be a little more advanced/confident.

This, and op should have to drop any pretence they dont
have a favourite child,
@freddierose so are you going to tell school that they can’t give dd2 any better grades than dd1.. in fact they’ll have to make sure she’s kept in the lower sets?

Sorry op just saw your update and my eldest also skates. Is DD1 in group classes or 1:1 with a coach? We let our eldest have this as their own hobby. I know for us my youngest has to come watch, is this true for you and why dd2 wants to join in? Classes I’d say no, diff classes I’d say yes.

Has she ever been ice skating?

I’m actually going to bet that if dd1 has been skating since 3, it’s going to take someone who’s never skated a long time to catch up at age 8.

taller, stronger and more flexible won’t always translate to being comfortable on the ice.

how often does dd1 train? You say she’s “quite good”- does she compete?

i have a dd who is a good dancer. Also thought she might like skating, and in theory should have been good at it. She was, but found it bloody terrifying and soon gave up.

if your dd1 is training regularly and it’s “serious” for her, I might think about signing dd2 up for rec lessons. Half an hour a week isn’t suddenly going to catch up 6 years of regular practice.

who knows, it might humble dd2 a bit and boost dd1’s confidence that there is something her sister isn’t automatically better at.

Lots of sympathy here. I have a younger one who appears to have things easier than her older brother. She is neurotypical (he has ADHD), picks up every sport she tries quickly, and is naturally academic. The age gap is four years and my older one really struggles with it.
we’re trying our best to celebrate effort rather than achievement and emphasise what they have going on as individuals.

I’d probably see if your younger daughter keeps showing an interest. If there is a hint that it’s to spend time with her sister then maybe use that opportunity to say to her that it’s important that they have their own interests. If she really wants to do it though because she’s genuinely
interested then I would let her and work on things with your eldest.

Even without the sibling rivalry aspect, you'd be more than within your rights to say "no, you already do enough activities". A line has to be drawn somewhere. I really feel for DD1. And it's fine for them to want to do something separately. Imagine if you said you wanted to get out the house once a week and do something for yourself, so you were joining an art class, and then DH announced that he'd signed himself and the kids up too, so you were all going to go together. Most people would understand why you'd be upset in those circumstances. Well it's the same for DD1.

I was going to guess ice skating having seen an ice skating series pop up on Netflix! I have a DD who is going through the ranks of ice skating at the moment and I’d say I’m team DD1.

The problem with ice skating is you only get that one 30 mins lesson a week and then having to book the public skates for practise. There’s not unlimited time to practise so if DD2 is naturally better/more confident (and doing gymnastics definitely helps!) she’ll fly through the skate lessons and before you know it she’ll be joining her sister. It’ll knock DD1’s confidence for sure.

Saying no because it's too many hobbies or because it isn't affordable is different to saying no because she might be better than her sister.

All DD2 will learn is favouritism towards DD1.

Dd1 has plenty of experience of dealing with her younger sister excelling. The OP has no control of the majority of life, so dd2 will experience success in many, many areas. Dd1 will have a lifetime of learning to build her self confidence and trying to value her own achievements when they are objectively 'less' in comparison to dd2's. That's tough. And one way to this is for her to a small space where comparison doesn't exist.

"Where does it stop" makes no sense. The OP clearly supports dd2 in a range of other activities and has zero opportunity to 'even things out' in their school lives. Dd1's needs are not going to dominate dd2's ! It's one little space for dd1.

No one is suggesting you tell DD2 that’s the reason!

Just seen the hobby is ice skating. Why don't you take them both to the skating rink every now and again for some casual recreational skating, without signing DD2 up for classes? Then she can still have fun without stepping on DD1's toes.

If the oldest is doing figure skating maybe get the younger to do ice hockey, both on the ice but not in direct competition.

DD1 is already furious and upset about DD2 asking. She will know.

One of my children ice skates and they very clearly decide whether they want to be a figure skater or a hockey skater. I think OP would have a hard time convincing her youngest to not figure skate if that is the movie she’s watched.

I'd delay and see if the interest dies down - if not then it's harder to say no to DD2 but I might then have to give her a try but she'd have to stop another activity.

In meantime try and get them to spend time some other way - as that may be what DD2 actually wants.

I think you should let your eldest daughter have this hobby to herself. Your youngest already has a lot of activities and it might just be a passing interest because of the film. I'd tell the youngest that she already has enough on and then wait and see - if she's still talking about wanting to do it in 3-6 months I might reconsider. But if you do, I think it's important your eldest is allowed to keep her group of friends at skating and sessions without her sister (eg her sister trains at a different time and with a different group).

It’s absolutely not good for either of them to do everything together or to do the same things.
Esp as they are so close in age, they're going to compare themselves to each other instead of learning about their own tastes.

Having had two dcs close in age too, I’ve done my best to ensure they have somethimg they enjoy wo their sibling around. I really dint regret that.

Does DD2 already have one hobby she does without her older sister? If so, maybe you can argue that as she gets to do that one without her sister, it's only fair that DD1 gets to do one hobby alone too.

But that is the reason and if that’s what op chooses to do, she needs to own it, that she’ll purposely block one child from doing something to prioritise another.
look at all the supporters she’d have on mn if she makes dd2 feel shit!! 🤔 like @Yetanotherone12 has said..
who knows, it might humble dd2 a bit and boost dd1’s confidence that there is something her sister isn’t automatically better at.

I think you may be being naive as to the youngest’s motives here. The youngest has presumably known about this hobby since she was what, 2? (Given you stated that DD1 started aged 3). It’s interesting that youngest now wants to do it “having seen a film” and not because she wants to spend time with her sister or anything similar.

I personally would tell DD2 that sadly the classes are full and to find something else, maybe ice hockey or similar if she’s sporty. If DD2 is being genuine about wanting to be close to her sister, then you and your husband should be actively avoiding things to make it worse.

Allowing DD1 to have a hobby of her own that she’s been doing 2/3rds of her life is clearly not the same as saying DD2 can never excel at anything, ever. Just that parents should be doing what they can to foster positive relationships between siblings. It is also clear that DD1 will continue work on her self esteem and definitely needs to have consequences for being unkind to her younger sister.

It’s not jealousy I agree.
Its the hurt that she is the older child and yet her younger sibling is always better.

Differences in abilities between siblings are easy to navigate, esp when they are that close because they see each other as having the same abilities.
Having a sibling that is always better in everything is hard to deal with for any child. It’s much more if a self esteem issue than jealousy.

I agree with you - at this age I would gently steer dd2 in another direction. In a couple of years if she’s still interested she can still do it and DD1 will be far enough ahead that they won’t be in competition.

We also have two girls and the older one has felt threatened by the younger one at various stages. We have tried to be sensitive to this rather than force DD1 to get over her distress/discomfort.

I feel for you OP, it’s hard. My youngest DS is excelling at everything, life, friends, hobbies. My eldest struggles more due to asd, she is smart and maths was her special interest. Now my youngest seems to also be very very good at maths, and part of me is hoping he doesn’t do as well in his GCSEs as her so that at least she has that. Even if he just gets an A or B instead of an A*. I feel awful even thinking it.

You could also say a similar thing but opposite, if the OP allows her youngest to join the sport then she's prioritising her youngest needs over her eldests.

What? I don’t have a favourite child. DD2 has always outperformed dd1 academically and it is never been mentioned.

I just see dd1 really struggling at the moment and it’s difficult, I want to try a raise her self esteem and not risk knocking it down further. I’m asking for advice because I don’t want to be unfair to dd2 but she is over wise very happy and confident.