Not let dd2 join dd1’s hobby

[freddierose]

Two DD’s 13 months apart, DD1 (9) and DD2 (8).

They are both lovely girls who normally get on really well. Dd2 has always been more advanced than dd1 (walked, talked, potty trained first etc) with this trend continuing.

It’s never been a concern as DD1 was never behind in general, Dd2 just seems preform slightly above at most things.

About a month ago dd1 came to me in tears saying dd2 is better than her at everything and that she hates her. Since then she’s been really down on herself and been unkind to dd2. We’ve been trying to strengthen dd1’s confidence and focus on her own hobbies and friendships separate to dd2 who as far as we’ve witnessed hasn’t actually done or said anything wrong.

DD1 has done a certain hobby since she was 3 which she loves and is quite good at. Dd2 already does lots of activities but has now said she wants to join this one, she watched a film with it in and is really excited about it. DD1 is furious and upset.

I think it would really negatively impact dd1 to have dd2 join her hobby as it’s likely dd2 would quickly overtake her at it so we should say sorry you already do enough activities and that is your sisters one. DH thinks that’s ridiculous and would be enabling dd1’s jealousy and punishing dd2 for nothing so dd2 should be able to join

AIBU to not want to let dd2 join?

I’m in the camp that DD2 shouldn’t have her wings clipped due to DD1s jealousy. How mean. It’s not her fault.

Is DD2 the type to choose hobbies on a whim? If she is, say no. If it’s something you think she’d really enjoy and would actually be really good at, don’t hold her back because DD1 won’t like it.

Whilst it’s perfectly normal for DD1 to feel jealous, you need to help her manage that rather than stopping DD2 doing it. It’s not her fault she’s naturally good at things.

I think you need to teach both daughters resilience and to run their own race. DD1 needs to learn that it’s about doing her best rather than being the best and DD2 will need to do something that will challenge her or she may become complacent.

I think you should let DD2 do it, other wise she’ll resent DD1.

Agree completely with @Coffeetablelegs where does it end? Sets a terrible precedent and supports an unhealthy dynamic.

I may have been DD2 a bit, though perhaps not so much so. Our family rule was very much Separate Hobbies!! This was fine (though I regret now effectively not having been allowed to learn to draw well) until DSis was allowed to take something up that was very much in "my" category of hobby. I'm not sure I expressed at the time how cheated I felt, but I still remember it. Absolutely bananas, of course, I wasn't even doing precisely that thing, and of course I didn't own it.

All of which is to say, yes, let DD1 have her thing, but work through as a family what the rules are and keep them consistent and fair.

Might be a daft question, but how do you know DD2 will be better at it?

Just tell the girls that they each get one hobby that is special to them. This will allow both girls to flourish without that awful competition.

Really not, in my experience. Wasn't a perfect dynamic but I'm sure it was much better that the alternative. They can be clear that this is just about hobbies, not schoolwork etc etc.

But it also seems very unfair that DD1 should never get to do anything separately from DD2.

But why on earth should one sibling get to dictate what the other is allowed and not allowed to do? Just no, they are both children and parents shouldn’t favour the choices of one over the other. It smacks of DD1 being favoured for unfair reasons

Could she do the same hobby at a different team/centre?

I was also thinking whether DD2 would need to give up another activity to take up this possible new one that DD1 does? Could there be a stage of an existing hobby DD2 could be encouraged to reach and that then you could consider a switch ? Buy some time basically….Use the time to help DD1 build some resilience if you can. As I have often seen on here ‘Comparison is the thief of joy’… encourage extended family to comment on effort and commitment and not attainment in preparation for the future……..

She’s taller, stronger and more flexible. She does another sport where’s there’s some cross overs which she excels at. I obviously don’t know for certain but it would make sense for her to catch up quickly and be good at this one too.

I'm not sure it is helpful to describe DD1's feelings as 'jealousy'. She feels inadequate compared to her younger sister. If this isn't nipped in the bud right now, it could lead to a lifetime of self-esteem issues.

Perhaps there is currently no more space at this activity and DD2 will need to go on the waiting list (until the point at which she loses interest as DC so often do).

If DD2 genuinely wants to do the hobby and it isn't purely to wind up her sister then I'd allow it.

DD1 needs to learn to manage her jealousy with your support and that can't be by preventing DD2 from doing things just in case she's better at it.

She’s generally very sweet and supportive of her sister. She’s upset and doesn’t understand why they suddenly don’t seem to get on anymore and if anything probably wants to do the same activity thinking it will make them closer but she also did just genuinely watch a film about it at a friends house so might just think it looks fun.

Let dd1 have one thing that’s hers bless her. While also boosting her up that she is good at the things she is good at.

To do a Hobby since three and then basically have your better than you sibling come and destroy it for her would likely be the final nail of hatred towards her sister and feeling like you favour her as well.

Dd2 already has other activities she can learn that she can’t do everything all the time.

I’m 100% team DD1. This exact thing happened to me with my younger sister, and I’m still resentful about it today. She wasn’t even better than me at the hobby, she just made a big song and dance about it, made it her whole personality, and had to constantly overshadow me. Of course, now we’re both in our 30s she hasn’t done it for more than 10 years while I literally made it my career.

I wish my parents had directed her to something else, one of the million other hobbies she started and never progressed with. This was my one ‘thing’.

I think she doesn’t get to choose a new hobby on the basis of watching a film. I’d leave the subject for now, then in September, look at everyone’s schedules and reassess. With possibly some other new, even more exciting option for DD2 so that she doesn’t do DD1’s hobby. Probably you want to put a limit on the number of clubs they can do so they have to make choices.

I had twins.

this happened with us - one twin wanted to start playing an instrument which the other had been playing for a couple of years.

we did allow it but it didn’t end well. The twin who started later was better than the other one within a year and she gave it up almost instantly.

it is a real knock to self confidence. Dd1 needs to have something which is “her” thing.

both of mine actually moved on to other instruments and neither played it (violin) for very long but they had different instruments after that.

The comments seem a lot more split than the poll but I was expecting more people to say I was unreasonable!

it’s so difficult, either way one of them is going to be upset and not to be dramatic but I can see how this decision could really greatly impact both of their self esteem’s and their future relationships with us and each other.

Its not jealousy

So she's taller, stronger and more flexible?

So is this a sport or an activity rather than a hobby? (I'd call stamp collecting a hobby).

If it's genuinely a hobby (ie what many people would consider a pointless preoccupation) then I'd suggest DD2 do something different.

But if it's a sport or a physical activity where DD2 (or DD1) can enjoy some sort of achievement or competition you should let DD2 go ahead.

You can't prevent her from doing so just because she might be (or is) better then her older sister

I sympathise with you and I was in the same boat. I would tell DD2 to find something else - not just on the whim of watching a movie. Or could she join this hobby at a different club to DD1?

If DD2 already does lots of activities, is be inclined to say that she's already doing enough, and she should concentrate on those/you can't afford more/whatever alternative reason makes most sense in your case.

DD2 is already concerned that the relationship with get sister has deteriorated, so do her a favour and don't make a decision that will make the relationship even worse.