Not let dd2 join dd1’s hobby

[freddierose]

Two DD’s 13 months apart, DD1 (9) and DD2 (8).

They are both lovely girls who normally get on really well. Dd2 has always been more advanced than dd1 (walked, talked, potty trained first etc) with this trend continuing.

It’s never been a concern as DD1 was never behind in general, Dd2 just seems preform slightly above at most things.

About a month ago dd1 came to me in tears saying dd2 is better than her at everything and that she hates her. Since then she’s been really down on herself and been unkind to dd2. We’ve been trying to strengthen dd1’s confidence and focus on her own hobbies and friendships separate to dd2 who as far as we’ve witnessed hasn’t actually done or said anything wrong.

DD1 has done a certain hobby since she was 3 which she loves and is quite good at. Dd2 already does lots of activities but has now said she wants to join this one, she watched a film with it in and is really excited about it. DD1 is furious and upset.

I think it would really negatively impact dd1 to have dd2 join her hobby as it’s likely dd2 would quickly overtake her at it so we should say sorry you already do enough activities and that is your sisters one. DH thinks that’s ridiculous and would be enabling dd1’s jealousy and punishing dd2 for nothing so dd2 should be able to join

AIBU to not want to let dd2 join?

I just feel its a bit unlikely that DD2 is better at every single thing? Surely there are some opportunities to find other things DD1 is good at and praise those?

As far as DD2 doing the activity, most kids dont get to do every single thing they want, is not getting one activity going to be the end of the world if she has several others?

That’s really spiteful to talk about a little girl like that.

I presented a hypothetical which you seem to be slightly too literal to have grasped.

Either way, it’s reasonable to want to do something by yourself but it’s not reasonable to stop another sibling from doing a mainstream sport like skating. What next - skiing?

Preventing a child from pursuing a sport they enjoy will result in resentment too won’t it?

I totally agree with you - it sounds like your DD1 is currently struggling badly with her self esteem. We all know how vulnerable teens and pre-teens can be.

Whereas it sounds like DD2 is pretty robust and happy, and while she might be pissed off at not being allowed to do the new hobby, this won't cause her deep distress in the same way.

Protecting your kids mental health is more important than fairness.

How would your husband feel if DD2 overtakes DD1 archer hobby and DD1 feels even more rubbish about herself, withdrawn and unhappy as a result?

Tell DD2 it's bad luck but DD1 picked the hobby first and that she is allowed to have one special thing she does. Let DD2 pick a hobby that's special to her, and promise you won't allow DD1 to do it even if she asks to. Then that's fair.

And have a word with your husband. Does he show DD1 much compassion generally? If my child was exhibiting the signs your eldest was, this would be my primary concern and I would prioritise this above notions of fairness.

We were in a similar boat with boys 16 months apart, the younger one finds life very easy. He is academically very bright, a natural sportsman and a social butterfly.

This is a very common pattern. the second DC finds life much easier because the first DC has cleared the way. Parents are usually more knowledgeable & relaxed for a start!

And who's to say that @freddierose 's DD2 sees something her sister is good at, and she's the one being jealous and instigating rivalry? That the rivalry is coming from DD2?

But I haven't said the OP's DD2 should be prevented from skating. I've said that if DD2 joins the skating, DD1 is likely to want to find something else to do by herself - and that this should be facilitated.

My exact words:

"And whether there is a golden child situation or not, it's not unreasonable for siblings to want to do things by themselves. (Which doesn't mean stopping the others from doing something they really want to do, as I acknowledged above - simply that if sibling 2 joins sibling 1's only solo activity, sibling 1 is likely to want to find something else to do by themselves.)"

I respectfully suggest that it's not that I am being too literal, but that you have not read what I have said. Obviously preventing a kid from doing a sport they want to do because a sibling doesn't want them to do it may result in resentment - in the exact same way that allowing it may result in resentment in the other way if the absence of their brother/sister was part of what the first sibling enjoyed about the activity. Which is why I have said, more than once, if DD2 really wants to do the ice skating then DD1 is likely to want to find something else to do by herself...

Depends how much dd2 really wants to ice skate. Personally if she's already got a lot on I'd be tempted to say no solely on the basis that you can only afford/have a enough time to do x amount of activities and you've paid up for most of them until the end of next term. It might be possible that if you want for a month or two she will have changed her mind again. However if she still really wants to do it and is willing to drop a different hobby to make space for it, I'd give her the opportunity.

At the end of the day, her sister doesn't get to 'own' hobbies! FWIW I'm an eldest child too so would 'naturally' be expected to sympathise with dd1 (and I do), but can't agree with it being at the expense of DD2.

It’s not really about whether DD2 might be better than DD1. It’s about making sure DD2 can have a little bit of her own space where comparison just isn’t a thing. That’s really important. I would just say it straight to DD2 - that one’s off the table as a serious hobby because DD1 needs her own space; you can pick anything else, and I am sure you will find things where you want your own space as you get older and I will protect those for you too.

I would really really really not have DD2 join in with the training/more serious hobby stuff. It will cause so much upset for DD1, for you and thus ultimately for DD2. Family harmony and happiness comes all together - it’s not about choosing one daughter over another it’s choosing a path where everyone will be happier.

and kids don’t have a human right to regular skating lessons. This is not like saying she can’t “do sport” or can’t play any instrument or can’t go to a particular school.

Will DD2 not become resentful of being held back by her sister? Some suggestions of telling her that this is her sister's hobby and she needs something for herself assumes that she will be mature enough to handle. There is great potential if they fall out for her to say well I wasn't allowed to even try ice skating as mum knows I would do better than you even after all your years of practice.

I am not sure whether OP is going to return but I think the whole hobby situation should be discussed with both girls present.
It sounds like the skating actually takes a long time (commute) so there is also the additional time DD1 might get with a parent if DD2 chooses activities that are local.

Poor Dd1 - please just let her have her thing!
I've just read some crap further up asking if you would ask school to improve her grades or some such rubbish (stopped reading as too dull) but this def isn't the same. From someone whos brother was far more intelligent, more sociable, more everything, I finally had to move and have space to make my own identity. If she joins it will deepen the divide even more. Good luck x

I'd say not right now. And maybe just go ice skating with her so she's still allowed to go just not classes just now.

Won't DD1 feel just as bad/even worse though knowing that there is still the thought she would be overtaken by her sister? They aren't young children so if her sister is usually allowed to do hobbies and is stopped on this one, they are both going to be able to read into it that the mum felt DD2 would be good at this as well.

I had exactly this but with a larger age gap. DD and DS 26 months apart. DD gifted musician, won all the local festivals, grade 8 distinction at 12 on her first instrument, grade 8 distinction at 13 on her second instrument, picked up another instrument and taught herself from books, grade 5 distinction in 8 months at 12. DS only played one instrument seriously. Grade 8 distinction at 11. Second instrument, only got to grade 6 by 13 then dropped it. Was a cathedral chorister from 8 to 13. Both went on to a specialist music school (scholarships for both) now they are 35 and 33 respectively. DD all but given up. DS professional player and teacher. DD now admits she gave up because he outshone her. Resented him for many years but has now made peace with what was her decision, made out of resentment and jealousy. She could have had a very satisfactory career and knows it but it's too late now. But it would have been wrong to deny DS his passion just because DD couldn't handle being second best.

I’m in my late 60’s and I was DD1, everything I did, she joined, and did better than me - my parents didn’t notice and I ended up giving up all the hobbies I loved because I felt pushed out. I mention my age because whilst I now understand some of my behaviours that have resulted from this, it’s still very embed. I do t act out on it now, but I’m aware it’s very deep rooted.

dont let DD2 join everything, leave something for DD1, to enjoy on her own. At least your DD1 has vocalised her feelings, something we never did in our household, you sound like a very aware mum so please do t let DD1 end up like me!

I see what you mean but I don't think at that age they will think that deeply.
DD1 will just feel like her Mum has listened to her and she will move on and carry on enjoying her hobby. It sounds like DD2 has enough to be getting on with too.

Sorry, but reading this I wonder by what metric your DD was second best? Nothing in what you’ve written suggests at all that she was. Cathedral choristerships are nice but your DD was more advanced on more instruments than your DS. So what made her feel second best?

But ice skating is not dd2s passion, it’s just something she’s asked to try. She can take up something else and be passionate about that.

i don’t think so. She will iust feel she gets to call this her own.

I wouldn't say to stop DD2 if it was a 'passion' - but it's just something she's watched and fancies doing, along with all other hobbies.

Somehow you’re going to have to get dd1 to accept that fact that dd2 is great at most things but that doesn’t make her a bad person or sister. She needs to learn to love that about her rather than be jealous. Easier said than done I know. But there is! Dd1 has to accept that about dd2 if she is to be happy. If dd2 skates well, dd1 should cheer her on and then go for ice cream.

What sport or activity is DD1 designed to do well?

You can build up DD1 confidence by keeping DD2 down or by finding something that is more in keeping with DD1 physicality and strengths.

I would, however, given that DD2 only wants to try it having seen a film I would probably not rush into signing her up in case it's a passing fancy.

I'm middle of 3 and there will always be strengths and weaknesses. I am a lot more academic than my younger sister and she would hate those comparisons. She was always a lot more athletic than I was and hated those comparisons. We did however have a joint love of trampolining/gymnastics and did classes together.

Matching sports to physical strengths helps. My niece felt very ugly duckling until she started playing rugby and discovered she was actually a tall, strong powerful swan. My daughter is small and mighty and she would love to play rugby but we are directing her in the direction of football and cricket as they are more in keeping with her body size and shape.

It sounds like she ice skates well. But maybe DD2 has the potential to be better at it. She doesn't need to be as she does lots of other hobbies, so why introduce the competition to something DD1 enjoys and that keeps her fit and healthy?

DD1 isn't going to find a sport she can do and DD2 can't. DD2 is naturally sporty, DD1 isn't.