Not let dd2 join dd1’s hobby

[freddierose]

Two DD’s 13 months apart, DD1 (9) and DD2 (8).

They are both lovely girls who normally get on really well. Dd2 has always been more advanced than dd1 (walked, talked, potty trained first etc) with this trend continuing.

It’s never been a concern as DD1 was never behind in general, Dd2 just seems preform slightly above at most things.

About a month ago dd1 came to me in tears saying dd2 is better than her at everything and that she hates her. Since then she’s been really down on herself and been unkind to dd2. We’ve been trying to strengthen dd1’s confidence and focus on her own hobbies and friendships separate to dd2 who as far as we’ve witnessed hasn’t actually done or said anything wrong.

DD1 has done a certain hobby since she was 3 which she loves and is quite good at. Dd2 already does lots of activities but has now said she wants to join this one, she watched a film with it in and is really excited about it. DD1 is furious and upset.

I think it would really negatively impact dd1 to have dd2 join her hobby as it’s likely dd2 would quickly overtake her at it so we should say sorry you already do enough activities and that is your sisters one. DH thinks that’s ridiculous and would be enabling dd1’s jealousy and punishing dd2 for nothing so dd2 should be able to join

AIBU to not want to let dd2 join?

OP says it is jealousy. Either way, it needs to be supported to help manage because DD2 can't be stopped from doing things just in case she's better at it.

She been watching Bring It On?

I think it would be very wrong to limit DD2's opportunities in order to pander to DD1's jealousy. I absolutely think you're right to work with DD1 to develop her confidence and self-esteem. But you've said DD2 has done nothing wrong, so why should she be penalised?

It can be tricky to have children so close in age if there is a notable difference in achievement. But IMO essentially giving DD1 the power to veto her sister's choice of hobby is a recipe for disaster for both girls and for their relationship.

It's good for siblings to find their thing but your younger child shouldn't be denied the chance to begin a new hobby just because your older one is jealous.

There's always going to be people in life who are better at us at certain things, maybe learning this lesson early will be good for your 9 yo in the long run.

If you deny your younger daughter, it's clear favouritism to the older.

Easy way to describe the feeling of always being the lesser sibling. The one who’s never best at anything. Despite being the older sibling the smaller one.

A lot of feelings to work though for her age so jealous is an easy way to describe it.

I think it’s cheerleading too. I’ve got a twin who was always better at me and the things I’m better than her at she didn’t do. I think encourage dd2 to try a different sport.

It's a very unpleasant way to describe it, particularly when these feelings stem from feelings of inadequacy. Very dismissive too.

I’d hate to feel the way ops dd1 does. It’s got to hurt.

And then Her parents might let her sibling join the one thing she has that’s hers and lose her love of that because of course dd2 is better and always picked by the coach over her.

Watch her withdraw away and never try a new hobby or sport again incase her sister steals that as well.

Boyfriends I bet will be fun when older as well 😬😬

I'm team DD1 for now. Not even because of the 'better' thing, but because children need their own space, and if they are close in age need to make a conscious effort to ensure this. Even when bigger gap this can happen- mine are 3 school years apart and next year will be the first and possibly only year they are in same school when DD1 in year 6 and DD2 moves into juniors from infants for year 3. DD1 is one of those naturally all round excelling children- academically, sport, music etc. DD2 went on transition day and got well meaning comments about being 'as amazing as her big sister', but is very average in all areas and came home worried she wouldn't be as good as her big sister.

If in a year or so DD2 still wants to do it, them it might be worth reconsidering.

I agree.

Thing is with as the older one you can never "win".
You do better, it's simply because you're older and you should be sensitive to the younger one who is looking up to you, so we'll say well done very quietly, but you can't talk about it because they might be upset...

They do better or almost as well and it's amazing how good they are, because they are younger and must be so talented. And they're only pleased to have done so well so you must let them talk about it and you're older so must be more understanding and proud of how well they've done.

Find something similar, but not the same.

It’s ice skating, I don’t why I automatically try and remove information to not be outing as it really doesn’t matter in this situation. But yes I guess it is a sport more than a hobby

I wouldn't let her join.
She'll have to find another place to do that hobby if that is possible - or else pick another hobby.
Your DD1 is entitled to have something that is just hers.

As I said, in any case it is something that needs to be worked on whilst she is young. Punishing her sister when she has done nothing wrong isn't the answer.

What would you say it is then?
When we spoke she’s wasn’t saying I’m bad at this or I’m not very of that, it was everything in comparison of dd2 being better or more than her.

Is it really a punishment to not be allowed to do every single hobby or sport you ask for? Surely most parents set limits on quantity of extra curricular actives.

Sounds like she has lots already.

I don’t think it’s fair to stop the younger one doing the hobby , you just need to boost the older one’s self esteem in other areas .

This is exactly what I'd do - it may just be a passing fancy based on a film and forgotten in a week. I wouldn't bring it up again after saying 'we'll look at the classes available for September'. However, I don't think I could curtail one DC's interest in a hobby just because the older child already did it. If she mentions it in a month or so, make sure she understands that another hobby of hers may have to end to facilitate the classes. As long as they are given a clear choice and are old enough to make those decisions, they need to be driving their interests.

Does your eldest daughter compete in shows and competitions? Or do you just take her to a public session at the rink for a skate around?

If it’s the latter, I think it would be cruel to tell your younger daughter she can’t ice skate for fun.

You are the parent. It’s your job to encourage DD1 and build her confidence whilst at the same time encourage DD2 to do what she wants but keep her level headed.

You need to be treating your daughters equally and fairly.

And FWIW, I’m tall. I was always one of the tallest in the class as a child and found ice skating difficult, despite being a good runner and swimmer.

I would keep that activity for DD1 but wouldn't let either girl know why... this is the perfect occasion for a a white lie.

You could say she already does too many activities but that risks her saying she'll drop one in favour of her sister's hobby. I think I'd tell her you'd asked but the group is full and unfortunately there's no room for her to join. That way she won't resent her sister 🤷‍♀️

That isn't what this is about though.

It's not allowing it because she might be better than DD1. That isn't DD2's fault and would be punishing her.

V similar situation in my house and if it’s an activity where they’d be in the same group and so same friendships I’d say no. If they can be in seperate groups then yes we would let them both do it.
It’s not mean to let your eldest have one activity and friendships that don’t also include her sister. She’s voiced her upset and taking away her one thing she does without little sis coming and getting all the praise etc would be cruel and likely mess their relationship up further.

Im guessing they are hopefully in different year groups at school?

What if she takes up ice skating when she’s older, and can take herself off to the rink, and still ends up better than DD1 who has been doing it for years? She will just resent you for not letting her start young, and DD1 will be even more upset about being overtaken given her extra years of practice.

You could tell a white lie and say the group is full, or distract her for a few weeks and hope the interest fades, but if she’s persistent about wanting to do it, I would let her do it.

The one positive is smaller usually means better in skating, a lower centre of gravity means spins & jumps are easier... but ice skating takes up so much time & gets expensive so quickly, I think you'd be right even without the sibling conflict to make sure it's something she really wants to do and not just a fleeting whim.

It is not punishing! It is completely normal to tell a child they can’t do everything they want and for grown-ups to make those decisions based on a whole range of factors. It’ll be good for DD2 to learn that.

If your eldest has being ice skating since age 3 why now does your youngest want to do it? It’s not like it’s a new hobby to the family?

FWIW I have had similar dilemmas with my twins - I don’t let them have the same hobbies in the main because one has a disability and is already quite conscious of the fact she isn’t as able as her twin so she needs something that’s just “hers” that being said there is a joint hobby also that they’ve expressed an interest in doing - think along the lines of scouts (but not that) where it caters for lots of different interests and they can get badges/awards in different things and I’m inclined to let them both do that