Not let dd2 join dd1’s hobby

[freddierose]

Two DD’s 13 months apart, DD1 (9) and DD2 (8).

They are both lovely girls who normally get on really well. Dd2 has always been more advanced than dd1 (walked, talked, potty trained first etc) with this trend continuing.

It’s never been a concern as DD1 was never behind in general, Dd2 just seems preform slightly above at most things.

About a month ago dd1 came to me in tears saying dd2 is better than her at everything and that she hates her. Since then she’s been really down on herself and been unkind to dd2. We’ve been trying to strengthen dd1’s confidence and focus on her own hobbies and friendships separate to dd2 who as far as we’ve witnessed hasn’t actually done or said anything wrong.

DD1 has done a certain hobby since she was 3 which she loves and is quite good at. Dd2 already does lots of activities but has now said she wants to join this one, she watched a film with it in and is really excited about it. DD1 is furious and upset.

I think it would really negatively impact dd1 to have dd2 join her hobby as it’s likely dd2 would quickly overtake her at it so we should say sorry you already do enough activities and that is your sisters one. DH thinks that’s ridiculous and would be enabling dd1’s jealousy and punishing dd2 for nothing so dd2 should be able to join

AIBU to not want to let dd2 join?

I can’t see the issue here tbh

As parents we purposefully stop children from doing some activities all the time. It might be money. It migut be time. It might that we think it’s too dangerous. Or it migut be that we want our dcs to have a hobby/sport that is only theirs.

Im sure in that case the dd2 has things she does and enjoys that dd1 isn’t doing.
Its fair that dd1 is also having that opportunity.

It’s also pretty normal fur a parent to protect the self esteem of their child. Like let’s say you would leave your dc don’t an activity where they are bullied. Or where the coach constantly puts them down. That’s not much different even if there is no malicious intent. What’s important here is how hurtful it is for the dd1.

Yes, that was an absolutely disgusting comment to make. There is no reason or excuse to want to “humble” a young child. Especially a girl, and especially not when OP has said she suspects that she simply wants to be closer to her older sister by doing a hobby together. A vile thing to say, and a vile sentiment altogether.

I have 2 DS 18 months apart. DS1 is a natural at loads of individual things. DS2 has poor coordination and motor skills. If they go together it eventually ends up with DS2 just being so disheartened as he is actually trying and working harder than DS1 and not getting anywhere. Its really eroded his confidence and self esteem to the point he doesn't like to try anything new. Its not jealousy - he is really pleased when his brother does well, he just considers himself rubbish.

He's always going to be mediocre at things and I cant lie and tell him he'll be good if he keeps going and tries hard as he won't. I do celebrate small wins though and I've found something he likes which his brother doesnt, so we are pursuing that.

I would speak to both kids to explain to DD1 that DD2 isnt doing it deliberately to hurt her, and I'd explain to DD2 why DD1 is upset. Kids understand a lot more than we give them credit for. But you could decide to keep it a seperate activity to give DD1some confidence.

Like i said I dont see it as jealously, its a self esteem issue for DD1. To give some perspective, my DS2 is 18 and still suffering from self esteem issues, its not something to just 'get over'. And I've spent his childhood praising all his snall achievements, because I can see the effort he puts in and the problems he has to overcome just to do thibgs most people see as 'normal'

I'd say it was insecurity / feelings of inadequacy.

I agree it's difficult to know how best to handle it. I think, as others have suggested, it might be best to try to sidetrack DD2/ delay a decision for a while.

This sounds like a very sensible compromise,. although the last comment is unnecessary.

Never think of kids activities in terms of careers. Only one in 9 million kids do that. And there’s not much career progression in cheer leading anyway.

I was DD1. My perfect sister was allowed to join in the one thing I was good at, and quickly got better than me. I quit because what was the point when I was overtaken after so much practice. Pretty much stopped all hobbies at 13 to avoid the feeling of being useless when compared

Rather than letting her join the hobby, its the holidays, just take her for a family ice skating session you all go to. She gets to have a go without encroaching on DD1s activity.

Ok call me a coward but personally I would tell the younger one she can do it but the class is full and you’ll put her name on the waiting list. Then try desperately to encourage a separate passion for her (ideally at the same time as the ice skating class!) that way its no one’s “fault” and buys you a bit of time to find something else she enjoys or build up DD1s confidence. If after a few months she still asking well then I guess you probably have to let her do it.

There is 12 months between DC1 & DC2 and although not similar to yours in terms of abilities etc, they really did need some time away from each other as they were very close &liked the same things but also needed something that was just 'theirs'. I fully support them having different hobbies just so they can have something as 'theirs' rather being a shared activity or hobby. If I was you I would not let DD2 join, she can do something else & DH would completely agree too.

Its not jealously. Its a feeling of relief of not being compared for a short period of time. Being able to form relationships as your own person, not one of a pair.

My friend had a similar issue and decided to hold the younger back for a year so they wouldn't be in the same classes or competition categories. It's been an unexpected really positive thing for their relationship as they enjoy going to competitions and supporting each other.

I would see if there are options for something similar. Another option is to limit the number of activities each child does and they might decide not to drop one to start another. I don't think just banning them from it is fair though.

I think you need to let DD1 have this for herself, apart from the strong possibility that her sister could end up beating her in competitions in a couple of years, both DDs need an opportunity to make their own friends and not to feel they come as a package.

I think seperate hobbies is best, tell DD2 that she's already doing lots of stuff, or that you want each of them to have time making friends without the other sister there - whatever you think is best.

Obviously you need to work on DD1s self-esteme - it's a tough one.

I was the smarter little sister, with 12 months between my brother and me, and he really resented me. We don't have much of a relationship now.

That's a tricky one. It isn't unreasonable for DD1 to want to spend some hobby time on her own. But it would be unfair to say that DD2 could never learn ice-skating, especially if she could attend a different class to DD1.

However, it wouldn't be unreasonable AT ALL to restrict the total number of hobbies each child has at any one time. Most families can't afford for their children to have multiple extra-curricular lessons per week and even if they could, I don't think it's ideal for children to spend all their leisure time in structured activities instead of learning how to amuse themselves.

A lot of people on this thread seem to identify with DD1. But what about DD2? She has done nothing wrong, in OP's words she's sweet and supportive of her sister. Whereas DD1 has been actively unkind to her out of jealousy and even says she hates her. Why would anyone think that such behaviour means that she should also be allowed to effectively control DD2's decision to try ice skating? That would actually worsen the dynamic between the girls IMO and sends all the wrong messages.

Its not jealousy - he is really pleased when his brother does well, he just considers himself rubbish.

I've seen that as well- it's slightly better as we have three so it's less obvious plus they've all struggled at times then got better so lots of tortoise and hare analogies.

A lot of the pressure was external well meaning people even family commenting and drawing unhelpful comparisions.

Honestly though I'd use money or time or places as an excuse and delay and if it persists - then reconsider.

It's finding the balance - hence many of us saying delay - make sure DD2 is serious and really wants to do it and it gives DD1 that continued head start - but if it's serious ambition that doors not closed just delayed.

I agree.

It's absolutely fine to work on building up DD1's self esteem but it can't come at the expense of DD2. That isn't fair, especially considering DD1 can be quite unkind to DD2.

Its not cheerleading.

There’s a big age gap between my two so I never had to deal with this, but I think on balance it would be best to say no to DD2 and just blame the expense. You could say you’ll reconsider in a year’s time and hopefully she’ll have moved on to something else.

I think it is hard for the older DC when the younger sibling is taller and seemingly more able at everything. I can see it would be soul destroying. I did not allow DS2 to barge into DS1’s room, even when he was arguably too young to understand why he couldn’t.

It’s a really tricky one and I can see both arguments. My sibling wasn’t necessarily better or worse than me but was given far more opportunities than me because they were competitive and a bad loser so I feel like I was held back a lot and I do resent it as it has affected my confidence throughout my life. So I think it’s unfair to let DD2 steal the limelight but also unfair to hold her back. Could you tell her there’s currently no space and revisit it in a year or so or look into a similar but different sport like ice hockey or skiing/snowboarding (I realise that’s quite different but thinking winter sports!)?

I totally agree with that. We say no to our kids for all kinds of reasons. DD2 already does lots of activities, and it wouldn't be at all unusual to say 'no, your already doing X, Y and Z. There's no time/money available for you to do this as well'

My DDs were also close in age and with different skill levels that caused one of them some minor issues at school with teachers expectations of them not being met, leading to comparisons that were openly expressed.

I was extremely relieved when each chose a different area of specialisation in their out of school activities, with one being sporty and one being musical. They had their own spaces and weren't compared in them like they were at school.

I agree with pp who suggested each DD gets to pick something that is just hers. That's a small age gap between them and they need their own identities.

As DD2 is naturally more talented than DD1, it is really, really important that you and DH focus 100% on their development and improvement relative to themselves.

Nothing at all about how they are in comparison to others. Everything about what skills have you developed this season, how has your average increased this term, what have you learned that you didnt know before. This is really healthy anyway, but especially important for you if you are to have any chance of your DDs having a good relationship as adults.

This is a good solution. I was DD1 with a very similar age gap and my self-esteem was crippled due to my sister’s competitiveness in every aspect of life.

My parents were fair and we were both given the same opportunities, but I was constantly aware that my younger sister was much better than I at school, socialising, career-wise, looks-wise, finding a partner etc. and unlike with classmates/friends, this followed me around home too. I couldn’t escape the internal comparison and seemingly harmless comments by others, and I had nothing that was just for me. It crippled my self-esteem until I moved away and we now have a much better relationship with distance, although I still struggle with feelings of inferiority compared to her in terms of within our family.

My parents should have managed this better and perhaps staggered certain things, as she tried to complete certain milestones before me intentionally to ruin my happiness (she told me so after I achieved certain things and my parents were partly aware of her intentions).

Leave a space for DD1 and DD2 can be patient for a while. Perhaps reframe it positively for DD2 and also work on building up DD1’s self-esteem. You don’t want to damage their relationship as they grow older.

Why not try and get your daughters to speak to each other, start with your eldest and find out why she feel the way she does, you might find that she thinks you guys make a bigger deal out of dd2s talents or other people mention it or maybe dd2 is actually saying stuff you dont know about. I was the sister that was the over achiever in school, I also did pretty well at hobbies I picked up whereas my sister was less academic, I got a hard time for not being helpful enough when my sister was struggling with homework etc and not being 'understanding' enough i got told that this gs came easily to me but what they didnt see was my sister asking for help before she even looked at the question and saying she couldn't do it without even attempting it, she wanted it done for her meanwhile I was working my ass off doing all my homework because it didnt 'come easy' there was a lot of work involved. Tell her to talk to her sister and facilitate a family meeting let both girls share their point of view. It will teach them communication and understanding and they may surprise gou and come to a decision on their own. You say that dd2 may think this will bring her closer to her sister but sometimes as an older sister its very annoying when you feel like youre being copied so it may actually push them further apart. Obviously it will be you paying for the hobby so decision is yours but whatever decision you make will upset and possibly cause resentment eith one of your kids, if you let dd2 do the hobby dd1 confidence might suffer, she could lose interest in something she loves and she also may resent her sister for taking it from her, she also may feel like youve chosen her sister over her when shes confided her feelings to you. Whereas dont allow it and dd2 may feel dd1 is gatekeeping a hobby, resent you for picking dd1 over her when she maybe doesnt fully understand dd1s feelings and could also be missing out on something shed really love especially if theres an overlap with the skills in a hobby she already has. Getting them to talk may not solve everything but might make things clearer. In regards to dd1s confidence is there anything she shows promise in that she maybe hasn't tried fully yet that you could maybe get her to try along side this hobby as feeling really good at something may make help her, even things like if shes a bit crafty some sort of art/ upcycling class, if she likes technology then a coding group or something. Things like guides i believe work on confidence and allow them to try all sorts of different things too.
Definitely a tricky one but also sounds like theres a few different issues to work out