Not let dd2 join dd1’s hobby

[freddierose]

Two DD’s 13 months apart, DD1 (9) and DD2 (8).

They are both lovely girls who normally get on really well. Dd2 has always been more advanced than dd1 (walked, talked, potty trained first etc) with this trend continuing.

It’s never been a concern as DD1 was never behind in general, Dd2 just seems preform slightly above at most things.

About a month ago dd1 came to me in tears saying dd2 is better than her at everything and that she hates her. Since then she’s been really down on herself and been unkind to dd2. We’ve been trying to strengthen dd1’s confidence and focus on her own hobbies and friendships separate to dd2 who as far as we’ve witnessed hasn’t actually done or said anything wrong.

DD1 has done a certain hobby since she was 3 which she loves and is quite good at. Dd2 already does lots of activities but has now said she wants to join this one, she watched a film with it in and is really excited about it. DD1 is furious and upset.

I think it would really negatively impact dd1 to have dd2 join her hobby as it’s likely dd2 would quickly overtake her at it so we should say sorry you already do enough activities and that is your sisters one. DH thinks that’s ridiculous and would be enabling dd1’s jealousy and punishing dd2 for nothing so dd2 should be able to join

AIBU to not want to let dd2 join?

I have mixed feelings having been on the receiving end of not being allowed to do an activity for a sibling, while at the same time understanding it's nice to have something that is your own.

I always loved swimming, represented my school in inter-school swimming competitions because I was good at it. I didn't know the local pool had a club that had swimming races multiple nights a week. I was so excited about the idea until my mother suggested my younger sibling do it, which he did. I wasn't allowed so he could have his own activity. It felt so very unfair. I suggested I could go another night but my parents didn't want that on another night as well.

On the other hand, I can see that my sibling wasn't generally interested in activities, so it was probably good for him to have an activity. I was more of an activities person. My sibling wasn't so much, so extending their horizons probably looked good to my parent. I can see that side of it.

Maybe, OP, this is a situation where you can avoid hurting one of them? One of them might resent it for a while but they will live. You'll just have to use your best judgement.

I think you just have to say no, she does enough already. If her sister doing it hasn’t made her want to do it and it seems it’s just seeing it in a film that’s made her say she wants to do it on a whim. So just say no. She’ll get over it.

I’ve always encouraged my children to have different hobbies so that this type of direct comparison doesn’t come in and steal the joy. It’s so important to have our own things and I think a gentle discussion with DD2 would be appropriate here. Of course it’s not her fault she’s always faster/ better / cleverer but equally your other DD has felt overshadowed a lot, so perhaps she needs to feel she has something that is just hers. Watch DD1 give up ice skating disheartened if DD2 starts and overtakes her, and that would be really sad.

Team dd1. This is her thing dont take away her enjoyment and chance to shine as others have said. Must be awful to feel your sister is better at everything.

Just say no, DD1 likes doing that activity on her own and there are lots of other things DD2 could choose.

Team DD1, let her thrive in her own sport without being compared with her little sister. DD2 has enough hobbies. My friend was upset with her parents about never letting her have something for herself, and dd2 was always better. It was a hard hard experience.

Some PPs have said that DD2 already does enough activities. Would you say that was a fair assessment @freddierose ? If it were any other activity, would you say yes?

Also, are DD2's achievements recognised? Or is she always expected to downplay everything she accomplishes, in order to make DD1 feel better?

I can see both sides. I have a 3rd daughter who is just very good at whatever she turns her hand to. She's sporty, artistic, creative, academic. It's hard because if DD2 picks up anything, she gets frustrated and gives up, whereas DD3 has the confidence to keep going.

I do think there's a balance, though. For their driving theory tests, I told DD3 that I wanted to give DD2 a crack at passing hers before DD3 had her go. DD3 was frustrated because she was studying hard, and DD2 didn't seem to be doing anything. I then went to DD2 and said 'I can't hold DD3 back forever. She's ready to take her test, and you haven't seemed to do anything towards yours. You need to show me you're doing something, or I'll let DD3 do her test.' A few days later, DD2 said 'I'm ready' and took her test, then passed. A week later, DD3 took her test and passed.

However, for driving lessons/tests, DD3 has put a serious amount of practice in. DD2 has been less confident and less willing to practice outside of lessons. So I told DD2 that I wasn't going to hold DD3 back for her, at which point she said that she was ok with that, because she needed to take things at her own pace.

I don't think ice skating does favour taller athletes - it's like gymnastics, which favours shorter people.I think you could frame it that DD2 can do some recreational sessions at the rink if she wants to have a go at ice skating, but she doesn't do it as a taught sport for now. Re-evaluate later.

I would say that these things sometimes change over time.
Don't know why this suddenly sprung to.mind, but the Gadirova gymnast twins are a good example. As a junior, Jennifer was way ahead of her sister and seemed to habe far more potential.
Then things flipped later on and Jessica stormed ahead, never to be caught again.
I can only imagine what it felt like for both of them over the years.

I remember my own mother banning me from learning a certain instrument for those precise reasons. She didn't mince her words and said straight up "because you'd be better at it than your siblings which would discourage them". I think that clear honesty is what's needed. DD2 will get it.

Ice skating is easy enough to fix.

Encourage one to do ice skating (as in figure skating) the other does ice hockey.

Otherwise totally team dd1.

I have 4 sisters and they were always allowed to join my hobbies. No matter what it was. I wanted something that was just mine and never had it.

We will pay for two activities oer child. If dd2 is already doing two then I wouldnt be paying for skating.

@freddierose this is tricky for you and I can see this from both sides. I’ve seen with my own children how when they share an interest it can become competitive and complicated for their relationship.

But as a youngest child I grew up with a list of things I wasn’t allowed to do because it was a sibling’s thing. I felt like I never got a free choice on what I might want to do and I definitely missed out on opportunities
.
In your shoes I would do the following

1. really challenge/question dd2 on her motivation - she’s 8 not 18 and she watched a cool film - is that really a solid basis to invest in an introduction to an expensive sport?
2. If she really is committed to trying, I would let her
3. work on finding other activities that dd1 can start that are less physical and non competitive - join a drama class, learn a musical instrument, take up pottery or gardening or creative writing… mastery of skills really helps to develop self-esteem

please don’t make an 8 year old responsible for another child’s happiness

I actually think it would be counter productive to pander to the eldest daughter if there are genuine reasons why the youngest wants to do the activity (rather than just winding up her sisters). I have a bit of this with my eldest and actually she needs to understand that as the child eldest she gets so much the youngest doesn’t have and jealousy is a trait I do not want to reward in any way. My eldest would absolutely see it as a win if the youngest was stopped from doing something.

I know it’s not ballet in the op’s dd’s case, but imagine if, let’s say, Darcey Bussell had had an older sister doing ballet, and the parents had decided no ballet for Darcy, because that’s Sue’s thing! Really unfair to limit another person’s life choices, because of the sensitivity of a sibling.

@Iris2020 so you’d say to 1 child, “I don’t want you to be better than your sibling, they need to be the best”?
dd2 will “get it” that it’s more important to you that dd1
is happy?

Look at the Murray brothers, should Andy have been told “no tennis for you! That’s Jamie’s thing, try the long jump instead..”

Is there anything you think your DD1 particularly excels at?

I would tell DD2 if she wants to do ice skating she has to give up something she already does, since she does a lot already and ice skating isn’t cheap. That might put her off?

Having said that, I don’t think it’s fair on DD2 to hold her back. Even though I do totally understand why you would want to, and I actually voted YANBU because I don’t think it’s unreasonable, I just don’t think it’s probably the solution to the problem over all - it would be creating a new problem, and still your DD1 would feel that way about all the other ways DD2 excels.

I think this is a super tough situation!

:( This is so sad

I think I would say to DD2 that it is DD1’s special hobby, that she has been doing it for a long time and is really dedicated to it, that DD2 already has a lot of other hobbies and does not have time for any more. I would add that while it is good to do some things together, it is also good to have separate interests. I would also remind her that all these hobbies cost a lot of money.

Really tough one OP but I think YABVU by not letting DD2 join. It’s not her fault she is more talented and this could lead to much more resentment down the line. She should be allowed the same opportunities

i think it’s difficult, I saw a previous poster saying “I’ve been the older sibling, don’t let the younger sibling join”, but equally I’ve been the younger sibling and if you don’t let her join it can 100% come across to her as if you’re dimming her light to prioritise her sister. I think the key question is would you feel comfortable being honest with your younger daughter? Imagine the conversation “I know you really want to take up ice skating but I’m worried you’ll be better at it than your sister so no”. If you wouldn’t be comfortable saying that then that’s maybe an indicator that you’re being unreasonable.

Banning dd2 from trying ice skating because dd1 does it and is resentful of dd2 being better at things will send a terrible message to dd2. She could already be internalising "being good at things makes people hate me", if she has picked up on her sister being jealous.
But to be banned from even trying ice skating in case you would be too good at it and outshine your sibling.. that is tough.
Similarly, it will be tough for your other daughter if she does start it, but it is her attitude that needs dealt with, with care and loving correction... easier said than done, i'm sure.
Could she not do it at a different day or time, as a one off first to see if she likes it?
Good luck with whatever you decide. Not an easy decision.

I think that was unfair of your parents. They basically took the hobby you already loved and gave it to your brother!

I think it depends on a lot of factors, most importantly the personalities of the two children involved.

I agree DD2 shouldn’t have to hide her achievements or not be proud of them because she is more talented than her sister. Equally, if not managed carefully this situation could be instrumental in simultaneously knocking DD1’s confidence even further and causing substantial damage the sibling relationship (causing resentment in both directions). This is the sort of situation that can have lasting impact on individuals and relationships in the longer term. It’s not about what they hobby is, it is what it represents
to each of them.

It’s all very well saying “you need to bolster DD1’s confidence” and a whole lot harder to do when her sister outshines her at every turn (which is just one of those things) and everyone (including you) knows it. Then DD2 comes along and swoops in at the one thing DD1 is quite good at and really enjoys. And is also likely to be better at. I don’t think that’s setting up a healthy situation for either child, as things stand. Rebuilding confidence and self-esteem won’t happen overnight, and this is exactly the sort of situation that can knock a vulnerable child. It might not be equal to say no/not now- but it might be the right thing in the longer term.

I also suspect DD1 is not going to want to continue her hobby if DD2 swoops in and outshines her. So, OP needs to consider how important is this hobby to her/what the impact might be if she walks away from it.

I think it also depends on the children. Growing up I had a friend who was clever without being “brilliant”- a solid allrounder, but whose younger sibling was one of those children who is highly academic, sporty, very popular. She was also competitive (no bad thing) and very much enjoyed the attention/praise (again, fair enough). Being better than her sister also became a bit of a thing- I don’t think it was always conscious or malicious, exactly, but definitely in competition with her sister. It was not uncommon for her to muscle in on the majority of hobbies/skills her sister would try out. Sometimes I think she would genuinely have her interest piqued if her sister was doing something she thought looked fun/exciting. But, equally she was far more likely to try it if she was likely to be good at it, and i think she did get something out of being obviously better than her sister- I think she really liked “winning” and getting praise. My friend would inevitably be upset/resentful and would want to withdraw. Her parents then felt she was just not sticking at anything and didn’t want to invest time/money into something they thought she would then drop (seemingly oblivious to why that might be the case). Her sister would often drop out shortly after my friend, having decided it wan’t her thing, after all.

Anyway, the long and short of it, is that it led to strained relationship with her sister (and parents, to a lesser extent) and a slow steady build up of resentment within their relationship. Once she left home, she really distanced herself from her sister and they rarely see each other now.

I did similar. Looking back actually my brother wasn't better, but it felt like he was because such a deal was made if he ever got close. I was 3 years older so bit different.
I gave up on trying because it was easier on my self esteem to feel that maybe if I'd tried I would have done better than feel I'd tried hard and still not succeeded.

I now wonder how well I could have done if I'd continued working hard, because actually I was reasonably talented. He got no where near what I achieved even though he continued with it until 18, whereas I gave up at 12.

I wouldn't have minded him doing some things, but ut literally was everything I started he had to do as well. I had an older sister ( again 3 years older) and we did very few hobbies together - and we got on much better.