To feel upset by MILs message about separation

[Havealittlepatienc3]

I separated from DH 2 weeks ago, after 14 years together with 1 DD aged 4.

We got together when we were 18 and gradually grew apart, we parented well together but the intimacy had gone - we hadn’t had sex in almost 2 years (not for my lack of trying), we had tried marriage counselling etc but the crux of it was I couldn’t do it anymore. There were other issues, nothing inherently ‘bad’, but bad enough that I just couldn’t waste any more time in that marriage, and felt we’d tried as hard as we could but it had run its course.

He has moved back in with his parents, and one of the most upsetting parts is being the major villain in his families story - his mum was a second mum to me, and I messaged her to basically say I’m sorry I know this is a very emotional time, appreciate all you are doing for DD, but sorry it’s come to this, essentially.

I have had a reply -

’we will keep communicating about DD but that is all. I need time and space to support my son and granddaughter through this very difficult and emotional transitional period.’

Am I being sensitive atm? That’s really fucked me off - that’s my daughter, I’m not doing it to hurt her, and we are coparenting well currently. I have just replied ‘thank you’, but AIBU to be a bit pissed off with that?

I think YABU, sorry.

She’s right. Her son and granddaughter are going through a lot, and she needs to support them. Much like you’re presumably leaning on your parents for support?

No, unfortunately I don’t have much in the way of a support network and I think it’s so painful because his family very much were mine - I suppose I have to get used to it all, and losing them is part of the deal.

She’s saying that right now she doesn’t feel
able to be your second mum, or maintain a relationship with you. That may change over time but right now when the relationship just collapsed and she’s supporting her son that seems pretty reasonable to me.

YANBU to be upset, but there's nothing you can do to change her approach and it would be a huge waste of energy engaging.

She's smarting, it's easier to blame you, there's nothing you can do to change her mind.

I would support my son if his wife left him too

My ex mil supported me when I stayed then when I was leaving that was it. Her son was vile to me but she choose him. We never speak now. She's let me down. She's a reminder of him. I'll see his family once more then that's it.

I suggest you speak to your ex h and ask that his mother isn't so cold to you. She's your daughter, that's your card.

I think that message is ok. She's not making you into a village - where did you get that idea? Her first and overwhelming loyalty is to her own son. Surely you understand that.

I think what she said was perfectly reasonable and to be expected, to be honest. What else can she say?

Losing them is part of the deal, yes.

if her son and you are now separated her son remains part of the family and you do not.

i went through similar.

I would also feel hurt by that message but she is probably correct, hopefully in time things will change.

You also don’t know what your Ex is saying, maybe he has made it clear mil has to distant herself- it may be tricky for her.

Have you got friends to support you?

I think that's fair enough tbh. It's hard for that you don't have much of a support network outside of your husband's family, but unfortunately the nature of separation is that you've chosen to end that relationship, and that will of course extend to impact the ties you have with his family. His mother is hardly going to continue to "be your second mum". She was in that role as a result of your relationship with her son. That relationship no longer exists, so she's quite rightly supporting her son and granddaughter. She hasn't been unkind at all in her message, just realistic.

She needs to be there for her son. It's hurtful for you but she is his mum.

It hurt when I realised my in laws only cared about me as DHs wife and mother of their grandchildren. Before that I thought I had a really good relationship with mil; unfortunately you just have to make peace with it

Yes, I suppose I am being unreasonable. I guess 2 weeks is very fresh and I feel like I’ve lost a whole arm and a leg - head is a little all over the place.

I think it was more ‘support my granddaughter’ as though that’s not what I’m doing, I’m doing the absolute best by DD but maybe I took it the wrong way.

She can’t not choose her son op, I’m sure it kills her but it has to be done. I’m so sorry

You were family, now you’ve left him/chucked him out you won’t be any longer. That can’t be completely unforeseen even if you’re finding it difficult. Whatever his faults from your perspective, that’s her son whose family is now irrevocably changed because of your decision. She’ll be picking up the pieces with him, she doesn’t have capacity to support you too. It wasn’t a cruel message, she’s simply being honest with you.

She didn’t say anything wrong. Even though this is your choice, it is still a big adjustment for you so your feelings are understandable, but you have to expect her to be upset and for her loyalty to be with her son.

Of course she chose her son over you.... What did you expect?

Sorry OP but you are being unreasonable. She was always going to back her own son over you.

Good luck

She's being straight with you. Accept it.

She didn't say that you're not supporting your daughter though, she's just making statements about her own position. She needs to focus on her son and granddaughter, and in doing that she can't also support you, because it would cause a division of loyalties.

I love my DIL, I truly do.

If she and my son split up at her request then I would likely send a similar message as supporting my son and her would be too conflicting, and the boundries would need to be set immediatly.

Its very difficult, and I'm sorry you haven't got much support but she hasn't done anything wrong, and you're reading too much into her saying she's supporting her son and granddaughter due to your hurt.

I don’t think what she wrote is awful or unkind to you.
She is simply saying she is supporting her son which is what any decent mother would do. Doesn’t sound like your husband d was an ogre so I think YABU.
Maybe once time has passed you can discuss and maintain some sort of relationship.

His family are his support network, not yours.

Your relationship with his family was dependent on your relationship to her son and you didn't realize that. Her message wasn't mean, it was matter of fact and letting you know that you can't look to her for support.

Do you have some friends you can talk to?

It sounds like AI tbh. Perhaps this is new territory and she doesn’t know how to navigate it, so she asked AI to suggest a neutral phrase that sets a boundary?