To feel upset by MILs message about separation

[Havealittlepatienc3]

I separated from DH 2 weeks ago, after 14 years together with 1 DD aged 4.

We got together when we were 18 and gradually grew apart, we parented well together but the intimacy had gone - we hadn’t had sex in almost 2 years (not for my lack of trying), we had tried marriage counselling etc but the crux of it was I couldn’t do it anymore. There were other issues, nothing inherently ‘bad’, but bad enough that I just couldn’t waste any more time in that marriage, and felt we’d tried as hard as we could but it had run its course.

He has moved back in with his parents, and one of the most upsetting parts is being the major villain in his families story - his mum was a second mum to me, and I messaged her to basically say I’m sorry I know this is a very emotional time, appreciate all you are doing for DD, but sorry it’s come to this, essentially.

I have had a reply -

’we will keep communicating about DD but that is all. I need time and space to support my son and granddaughter through this very difficult and emotional transitional period.’

Am I being sensitive atm? That’s really fucked me off - that’s my daughter, I’m not doing it to hurt her, and we are coparenting well currently. I have just replied ‘thank you’, but AIBU to be a bit pissed off with that?

You said there was nothing horrid in the relationship. You decided to leave. You put your happiness first. Totally your right. However, you have to live with the consequences, which for your dd and your husband and your MIL means you walked away from a normal, albeit mundane family. Surely you can see that? You can only put yourself first without any moral consequences if you are single. You have to face moral consequences if you are part of a family, I am afraid. Try to see it from their point of view.

My brother did just that - he walked away from a wife because 'he fell out of love with her'. So he put himself first, ruining the lives of the two children in the process. Just saying.

I don’t think she’s being remotely unreasonable. However MIL is feeling, it wouldn’t have been too big a reach to express some concern for OP. That’s all.

She doesn’t have to get involved further, she can still put her DS first. If MIL has previously had a good relationship with her DIL, she can surely have some concern for her wellbeing now.

I think people are missing the implication that op is to blame for the difficult time son and granddaughter are going through. Like op has caused upset for her own child by ending the marriage and it's up to nanny to support granddaughter through the difficult time.
That's how I would read it too.

MIL is making it clear that her priority in this situation is supporting her son and her granddaughter, and that she'll keep openly communicating about her granddaughter only.

Yep. And if you're going to read into her short message @Havealittlepatienc3 read a positive into that. She's basically said that she won't interfere into your decision. She's not going to grill you about her son, or ask you about the marriage and separation. Basically she's not going to give you the grief that some MILs would.

I have a relationship like this with my MIL. I send her Mother’s Day cards from me and she is a wonderful human being. However, my husband is her child and I am not.

I know in my soul that if my marriage broke down and it was my husband’s fault she would be there for me. If I left him it would totally break our relationship, as she wouldn’t be able to forgive me for hurting him.

And I do understand this, part of what has made him such a great husband is what a great mother she was. My family operated similarly during my parents’ divorce … I think it must be very hard to remain a friend to someone who has hurt your child.

It doesn’t mean you weren’t ‘justified’ in leaving the marriage or there weren’t good reasons, people are just (usually) rightfully loyal to their children.

I hope your relationship finds a better footing in the future.

Poor OP, reading stark staring mad posts like this.

How did you get this from what OP’s written?

She didn’t ‘walk away’. She makes it clear she tried, including counselling, she was rejected in terms of sex, and it’s no longer life she feels she can live.

That’s absolutely fair, once she & her exH now behave with integrity and respect.

She didn’t ‘put herself first’. She tried to resolve the issues, and when they couldn’t be, she made the decision to end it.

She made the decision though. So OP had the power. So in some terms she has caused the upset.

As I said in a previous post, it's very early days, and DH and his mum will be smarting. They need time.

I think it's a bit unfair to say that OP has been 'written off in a second'. The MIL is probably devastated by the whole situation, including losing her relationship with OP, but she feels she has to be entirely on her son's side for now. As others have said, this might shift in time as things get less raw for everyone.

I don’t think people are missing it. 😂

I think you did take it the wrong way, Havealittle. She didn't say anything about you being the villain of the piece but right now she has to concentrate on her son who has moved back with her. I expect it is all quite unbelievable and traumatic, she won't know every fact.

Give it time.

You can feel sad, but you're unreasonable to be pissed off. You ended the marriage, and she's going to support her son. This shouldn't be a surprise. Focus on co-parenting well, that's the important thing.

She made the decision though. So OP had the power. So in some terms she has caused the upset.

It’s not like it came out of the blue, come on.

A long period of difficulty. No sex for 2 years (at exH’s preference), failed counselling.

OP may have instigated the final split but there won’t have been massive shock to her H.

She’s not ‘causing the upset’, she is taking action.

I think that MIL probably does think OP is to blame, because she ended the relationship. I'm not saying she's right, but nor do I find it impossible to see why she feels like that. If it helps, try imagining how MN would react if a man said he was leaving the mother of his four year old because they weren't having sex and had grown apart... That's how the MIL feels!

She had the option to stay neutral.

MIL hasn't implied that it's entirely up to her. But her son is living with her and so will the grandchild for part of the week. So a caring grandmother in that position is likely to be supporting a probably confused small child

same thoughts here

That’s very selective. Add in the part where counselling had been tried, to no avail, and the issues had persisted for many years, especially the last two.

That’s not someone just deciding to end a marriage due to less sex than they wanted and a bit of distance.

If DH left me when I didn't want the relationship to end and my parents stayed neutral from the off I'd be devastated. Would anyone really not be hurt by that? Who can you expect to be always Team You, if not your parents?

That’s a direct quote? What else do you suggest is meant by “wasting time” with him?

I imagine your h has painted you as the villain and left out the part where he didn’t want to have sex with you for the last two years.

I would accept you’ve lost MIL. I wouldn’t text her at all now unless it’s really something very urgent or important about your DD and I would keep everything totally factual in the event that you do have to text. I would emotionally dispose of her - yes she is right to support her son and DGD but she is surprisingly naive if she thinks that it’s just a case of you being the villain. So she’s cast you aside - don’t chase that - that’s the end.

My DH cheated on me and my mil phoned me up to say she was devastated and appalled and that she was on the side of me and the kids and that she wanted to stay family. I also know someone whose DH was nasty and they split. Her DH’s sister stated in contact with her. So it’s absolutely not a foregone conclusion that in-laws cut you off. But since yours has, I would treat them the same way back. Formal, ice cold.

When your little girl grows up and has to move back in with you, leaving behind her partner and child, would you find it easy to support the ex partner two weeks in?

MIL probably has a pretty selective version from her son, and even if not she probably isn't thinking about it all from a place of calm rationality right now. I think there's every chance that she will one day think it was absolutely for the best the marriage ended, and allowed both her son and OP to be happier in the end, but it's been two weeks.

She didn’t say anything that I recall about wanting to be on to ‘the next thing’.

She is making the point, that having tried, she cannot waste her life on a relationship with no future.

That’s fair; once she then behaves with respect and fairness, which we have no reason to suppose she won’t.

I think she's spelling out where her loyalties lie - her son and granddaughter, but not you.

Come on. You can write a kinder message than what MIL wrote, simply by the addition of one sentence. It’s not about sitting there with tissues and wine or anything.

Are people so unable to demonstrate care for others?