To feel upset by MILs message about separation

[Havealittlepatienc3]

I separated from DH 2 weeks ago, after 14 years together with 1 DD aged 4.

We got together when we were 18 and gradually grew apart, we parented well together but the intimacy had gone - we hadn’t had sex in almost 2 years (not for my lack of trying), we had tried marriage counselling etc but the crux of it was I couldn’t do it anymore. There were other issues, nothing inherently ‘bad’, but bad enough that I just couldn’t waste any more time in that marriage, and felt we’d tried as hard as we could but it had run its course.

He has moved back in with his parents, and one of the most upsetting parts is being the major villain in his families story - his mum was a second mum to me, and I messaged her to basically say I’m sorry I know this is a very emotional time, appreciate all you are doing for DD, but sorry it’s come to this, essentially.

I have had a reply -

’we will keep communicating about DD but that is all. I need time and space to support my son and granddaughter through this very difficult and emotional transitional period.’

Am I being sensitive atm? That’s really fucked me off - that’s my daughter, I’m not doing it to hurt her, and we are coparenting well currently. I have just replied ‘thank you’, but AIBU to be a bit pissed off with that?

She’s not suggesting you or her son are not supporting your child. She’s telling you she’s picked a side and it’s not yours. Clearly your ex is upset. It’s still raw and fresh and she would be quite unusual if she was supporting you too. Shes living with that upset and seeing it every day. Shes telling you she’s cutting you lose. Which is hurtful but that’s rhe way it has to be for now.

if my daughter split up with her partner and was living with me, upset, I’d likely do similar. Not engage, as much as I love my daughters partner to bits.

Very difficult when one’s living in your house and isn’t the one who ended rh marriage, very difficult indeed.

I agree with you Op. Much nicer to say 'it's a difficult time for all of us but I'm sure we'll get to the other side and try to support each other and grandaughter through the transition'.

I think it really depends on what your ex is telling them and how he’s feeling about it all.

If he’s struggling with the decision, then I can see why she wants space to focus on her son. He’ll always be his priority (rightly) and even if you get alone with ex well, he may still be finding it very hard.

Equally he may have asked her to have his back.

Having said that, if he’s comfortable with the split and taking it well, then I would like to think she could support you both. She’s known you for a long time in a family capacity and if you don’t have your own family it’s a shame she’s felt the need to cut you off so quickly.

Very difficult though and perhaps she feels she needs time to process it. She’ll be hurting and feeling worried about your DD too - it’s probably just too soon to expect her to be able to support you as well as her son.

I hope you’re holding up ok - things will get easier.

I would support my son (and grandchild) if his wife ended their marriage.

I would support all of them. The reason is my dil would still be the mum of my grandchild. That might mean meeting at sports day, or nativity plays, or at the rugby, and what about weddings, funerals etc . . .?

Two weeks in, I don't think there's much else you can expect, realistically. You initiated the separation, presumably he didn't want it, so of course she's on his side.
You really don't have the right to pick apart her message and be offended by what she said about your DD. She'll be sad for her grandchild, so of course she's going to want to step up for her as well. She's her grandma.

If my DD and son in law split up, I'd be sad for my grandchildren too, and expect to have to field questions from them or reassure them.

It’s really not. It’s not difficult not to send a cold, uncaring message. It doesn’t mean not supporting her own son, it means having some care for everyone involved, especially given the previous good relationship.

Of course she has the ‘right’ 🙄

She can respond and react to the message anyway she wants to.

Card? Children aren't pawns, FFS.

Clearly her husband is hurt, she’s living with it. You’ve no idea what he’s told his mother, so yeah, I assume it is hard sometimes, don’t rush to judge,

Did your husband want to separate or was it your decision? Sadly she will hear one side and if your husband didn’t truly want to separate she will be hearing his side. Hopefully in time relationships can be repaired and you can remain friends with your exh and his family

I suspect that two weeks in is too early for that to happen. Especially when OP is the one that ended the marriage.

Everyone needs time to adjust and to manage their emotions right now.

Surely it’s clear from her op she ended it.

I don't understand what's wrong with a grandmother supporting her granddaughter? There's a little girl here whose home has just been torn apart. Of course she needs support.

I think her mentioning that she's supporting your granddaughter too is just for completeness.

I don't think she's having a a dig at you or suggesting that you are leaving him to maliciously hurt your daughter, but your daughter will be hurt by your split and your MIL is making it clear that her priority in this situation is supporting her son and her granddaughter, and that she'll keep openly communicating about her granddaughter only.

I think it's actually really helpful that she's set the boundaries. Now you know where you stand, and not to overstep/lean on her as the mother figure you've seen her as for the last 14 years. Which I can appreciate is really sad for you, but unfortunately that's how it goes!

Bless you. This is literally how I felt when I broke up with the father of my child. I felt like I'd lost a family. They didn't do anything wrong, that was just how it felt at the time. From their side, I was their family that they felt like they had lost, which upset them, whilst trying to support their son/my ex. Things settled after a few months and we started to speak normally again.

A few years on, everything is good. I see them and spend time with them just as friends. Give it time x

Yes. She said nothing wrong I’m afraid. She is supporting her child. She is upset, he is upset and you can’t force her to be OK with you to make you feel better or because you thought the split was the right thing to do.

She’s not privy to the ins and outs all she knows is her son and granddaughter are hurting and she needs him to know she’s on his side.

This. You’ve said There were other issues, nothing inherently ‘bad’, but bad enough that I just couldn’t waste any more time in that marriage
so you’ve said you’re wasting time with him, and want to be on to the next thing…. But you expect her to take your side?

This ^^. She's prioritizing her child. If your DD ever goes through something like this, you'll prioritize her too. It's very difficult.

But you judged?

It isn’t hard, if you’re a decent adult, to send a message with a modicum of care for everyone involved. It doesn’t have to be lengthy or deep. But it can reference how difficult it is for everyone and that she hopes OP is doing ok. That’s all.

It is difficult. MIL has been hugely affected and her son, who she previously thought was in a happy relationship with her DIL, and grandchild is suddenly back home living under her roof. It takes a long time to adjust. MIL is adjusting to having adult son back, Adult son is adjusting to being back in the parental home. It takes time.

Whatever happened there’s a new reality. Separation is hard. You lean on your family and friends, let him lean on his. This will have affected MIL hard. Like I said before, give her time. She didn’t cause this, she’s doing what any loyal loving parent would do.

She hasn’t said that at all. Why are some women on here so unkind & unfair to a poster going through a tough time and looking for support?

Okay. But she's being unreasonable to do so and to judge her MIL for it so early in the process. .

@Havealittlepatienc3 "we will keep communicating about DD but that is all. I need time and space to support my son and granddaughter through this very difficult and emotional transitional period.’"

I think, only 2 weeks on, that is quite a calm, sane and considered response. It doesn't close any doors for your future relationship.