To feel upset by MILs message about separation

[Havealittlepatienc3]

I separated from DH 2 weeks ago, after 14 years together with 1 DD aged 4.

We got together when we were 18 and gradually grew apart, we parented well together but the intimacy had gone - we hadn’t had sex in almost 2 years (not for my lack of trying), we had tried marriage counselling etc but the crux of it was I couldn’t do it anymore. There were other issues, nothing inherently ‘bad’, but bad enough that I just couldn’t waste any more time in that marriage, and felt we’d tried as hard as we could but it had run its course.

He has moved back in with his parents, and one of the most upsetting parts is being the major villain in his families story - his mum was a second mum to me, and I messaged her to basically say I’m sorry I know this is a very emotional time, appreciate all you are doing for DD, but sorry it’s come to this, essentially.

I have had a reply -

’we will keep communicating about DD but that is all. I need time and space to support my son and granddaughter through this very difficult and emotional transitional period.’

Am I being sensitive atm? That’s really fucked me off - that’s my daughter, I’m not doing it to hurt her, and we are coparenting well currently. I have just replied ‘thank you’, but AIBU to be a bit pissed off with that?

You've ended the marriage, OP, and she's upset about that for her son & granddaughter. That's what she's saying. She's not going to offer you any support. You're not entitled to it so there's nothing to say to your DH about it. Just keep your distance for now and wait for the dust to settle.

That’s a cold message OP.

of course you’d be upset. She could have written that in a way that showed some concern for you, while also of course being supportive to her son.

And the ‘supporting my grand-daughter’ would really piss me off.

My MIL was a total witch, a narcissist who enabled her abusive son. So obviously I didn’t expect much from her when we separated. However, l did my utmost to preserve her relationship with the DC (her only DGC). She made little to no effort, had zero appreciation for her gifts, invites to events & so on, was unreasonably demanding of my DC, and ultimately was horrible to my DD in the same way she had been to me. She died a few months ago, but there had been almost zero relationship with the kids for a long time before, I did with a last pang of guilt arrange a final visit to her for the kids (now teens), given her useless son was incapable of doing much in that regard.

I’ll never understand ILs not maintaining a degree of civility and appropriate distance in these situations. (My own DM went the other way & spent years fawning over my abusive ex when she got a chance. I’ll never forgive that).

It really hurts to lose people’s that were your family for so long. I’m sorry.

I have seen some families continue to treat their grandkids mums and dads as part of the family still.

Maybe in time she’ll soften towards you, if you and ex stay amicable. You both decided to separate so hopefully she’s just feeling protective of her son rather than angry at you.

This is why I wouldn’t ever think of my IL’s as my ‘family’ or second set of parents. When it comes down to it, they could write you off in a second. I keep
a cool and polite distance.

When my marriage ended, at my instigation, the thought of losing my husbands chaotic, gorgeous, funny and adorable family was almost as heartbreaking as losing him. I loved them all dearly and it hurt massively to have them step back. However, it was only for a while until the dust settled and we got into our roles as co parents rather than husband and wife. Be patient, it might all work out but it’s very early days and she’s a mum who sees her child in pain.
20 years later and I’m as close to my in laws as I ever was when we were together, and my ex husband anD I have a lovely deep friendship which we would not have achieved had we stayed married.

Together from teens. Growing apart over years and no sex for the last two. Then counselling. How much ‘effort’ do you think is enough ? Sometimes you just know something isn’t right and you end it for the good of all.

‘You’re not entitled to it’

Why is it about entitlement? It’s the right, respectful thing to do to express at least concern and care; it doesn’t mean she’ll be calling OP up for chats or anything.

The daughter has two parents though and one shouldn't be encouraged to weaponise her or in years to come the daughter might see her mother for what she is.

Is there a reason why she seems annoyed at you? Did her son not want to separate? Perhaps she didnt mean it in a horrible way just that she needs to focus on them. Sorry op.

That’s lovely to hear. I know it’s rare but fair play to you all. That shows such respect and care by everyone involved for everyone else.

Isnt that a bit sad? It’s like saying you can never been too close to or happy with your partner in case it ends.

Anyway as others have said, it hopefully wont be like this forever.

That’s mils for you. Mine said that she hoped I wouldn’t take dad away from her when me and exdh told her together.

I would feel hurt too. She can support him without being so cold towards you.

That sucks.

Unless you and your ex are having serious disagreements there is no reason for her to take sides and cut you off like this. So short-sighted of her, too, to put you at arm's length like this.

My ex MIL and I stayed friends after the divorce.

This must hurt so badly, I'm so sorry for you

It's so new and raw now. She's not only her son's support system, he's literally living with her. It is a bit inappropriate for you to expect to support you too. Give it time and you could establish a new relationship but it's simply too soon.

She's prioritising her DS and DGD. Of course she is your DD but if DS is living with MIL at the moment then she will be very aware on a day to day basis of their upset and emotions. You said also that this is your decision so of course MIL will be upset about that too on behalf of her DS. Of course you are feeling sensitive that is absolutely normal but so is DS and MIL too.

It's going to be upsetting for all of you. Keep things as civil as you can and hopefully you have some friends that can support you too.

I can understand her supporting her son. Hopefully your relationship will improve with time.

It's been two weeks. You left her child, presumably your love of her life that she could never envisage leaving. I think that she could have said a few words personable to you but really she couldn't give you what you are looking for.

I can see the ‘support my granddaughter’ remark would upset you, OP. When my (first) DH and I separated, we went to marriage guidance counselling to try to resolve things; despite this, his family basically cut me off — even though divorce wasn’t (for me at least) a foregone conclusion. Looking back though, I do think that however much in-laws might feel like family, they’re not. The reference to your DD was very clumsy and unnecessary but perhaps they’re hurting too…

There's nothing wrong with that message, you've made the decision to separate from her son and regardless of who's fault it was why are you surprised that she's choosing to support her son?

Absolutely this.

Give them the time they need please.

To be honest, I'm not sure what else you expected? Your husband is your MIL's son, her loyalty is going to lay with him.

She's not blaming you, If anything she's letting you know that she can't be your support person, because her priority is her son and granddaughter. She's saying that communication needs to be about her granddaughter and nothing else.

She's not called you and shouted at you. She's not been nasty towards you. She's been factual, honest and polite.

Unfortunately, when you separate from a spouse/partner, you do lose the other person's family, in the process. It goes with the territory, sadly.

You sent a lovely message and got a shit reply. She didn’t hold back did she! She is very silly to alienate the mother of her granddaughter. I think she will
live to regret that. Goodness knows what her son has told her, but it probably wasn’t that he can’t perform!

My DD recently broke up with her gf of four years who I adored! She reached out to me and I told her how much i loved her and asked her to think of me as an aunt who would support her and cheer her on but in a few years, after they had had time to settle into not being jn a relationship. This was only fair to my dd. She was very angry but I couldn’t in fairness to my DD maintain such a deep level of intimacy if they were not together.

You can support both.