To feel upset by MILs message about separation

[Havealittlepatienc3]

I separated from DH 2 weeks ago, after 14 years together with 1 DD aged 4.

We got together when we were 18 and gradually grew apart, we parented well together but the intimacy had gone - we hadn’t had sex in almost 2 years (not for my lack of trying), we had tried marriage counselling etc but the crux of it was I couldn’t do it anymore. There were other issues, nothing inherently ‘bad’, but bad enough that I just couldn’t waste any more time in that marriage, and felt we’d tried as hard as we could but it had run its course.

He has moved back in with his parents, and one of the most upsetting parts is being the major villain in his families story - his mum was a second mum to me, and I messaged her to basically say I’m sorry I know this is a very emotional time, appreciate all you are doing for DD, but sorry it’s come to this, essentially.

I have had a reply -

’we will keep communicating about DD but that is all. I need time and space to support my son and granddaughter through this very difficult and emotional transitional period.’

Am I being sensitive atm? That’s really fucked me off - that’s my daughter, I’m not doing it to hurt her, and we are coparenting well currently. I have just replied ‘thank you’, but AIBU to be a bit pissed off with that?

his family very much were mine

And this is when you found out it was a one way street. You considered his family yours, but to them you were his wife, and her mother. What a slap in the face. Now you know.

From her perspective this isn't what she'd have hoped for for her child and grandchild. I think it was a very diplomatic message considering how sad she's no doubt feeling right now.

I think this is a sign that you need to start building support elsewhere.

I am 23 years on from this. Ex mil and I had a similarly initial rocky relationship but after about a year or so it thawed and now we are best friends, which I think my ex - who was an absolute arsehole- must find weird but there we go. So I would just give it time, of course she’s going to put her son first. You’d do the same if it was your child getting divorced. Include her in stuff with Dd and see how it goes. I am remarried now - been married 16 years now - and ex mil and ex fil treat my teenage son (from my remarriage) as if he’s their own grandchild (!) - send him presents, let him call them nanny and grandad etc because they’ve always said they don’t want him to feel any different to dd. I know that’s unusual but I’m just sharing because things can and do change. (My own Mum is dead, I am no contact with my Dad and have no other family).

Her loyalty will always be with her son and granddaughter. She’s never was your mum, second mum or whatever anyway. What did you expect really? It sounds like she’s going to be civil, as she should be about her granddaughter/your daughter so that’s fine.

I actually know someone who insisted on still being very close to their son’s ex even though she had ended the relationship, no cheating or anything. Her son has never forgiven her. He is remarried now with children and his mum moans she doesn’t see him and his children.

Just give her some breathing space it’s all new for them like it is for you. It’ll improve in time hopefully 🤞

Yep.

I get it, OP. A line about hoping that you're ok, too, would have been kind.

I don't go in for the "taking sides" approach when relationships end, unless there clearly is an obvious villain.
My ex MIL was still interested in maintaining a relationship with me after her son and I separated and later divorced, and I really appreciated that. I'd have been gutted to lose her friendship along with my marriage. It was an amicable divorce (mostly). My family continued to associate with my exH, too, and my DB was best man at ExH's second wedding. There isn't always a villain when marriages end.

Don’t use your daughter as a weapon @Havealittlepatienc3 as is suggested here - the main person it’ll hurt is her. I think you’ve got the message YABU so I won’t pile on but be kind to yourself in the next few weeks, it’s a big adjustment

It’s raw. Give her time. She’s going to prioritise her son a gc. Once the dust has settled and a “new normal “ is reached, she might be different.

Card? Wow.

Hopefully OP realises using her child in any way would be very wrong.

I guess blood is thicker than water, and if your ex has made you out to be the villain then he is pushing her into taking sides.

After 14 years she should know you better but perhaps it will take a little time.

Your response was calm and reasonable. All you can do is rise above any sniping. In the long term, your dd will be proud of you.

I do understand why the message would be irritating (the 'and grandaughter' part) but you have to choose battles and this wouldn't be one for me.

She’s probably very upset as well and she will obviously support her son first then her granddaughter then you eventually if it all ends amicably. Perfectly acceptable response from her imo

YANBU to be upset at all but both of you have your own narratives of the break up and she’s naturally going to side with her son. I do get it. My eldest’s dad was emotionally and sexually abusive and even though his mum knew how awful he could be her only priority was keeping him close so she could see her granddaughter. He later cut her off and suddenly she was my best friend again 🙄 Understand you feeling let down by her but keep your dignity and keep it about your daughter x

YANBU. That was cold. If she was emotionally intelligent she’d still be able to support her son as well as honouring the relationship you had, and the new circumstances you will continue to have, (as mother to her GC).

People really do let you down sometimes op. I feel for you.

She's supporting YOUR daughter??? That's far too possessive, as though she thinks you're not treating your own child very well, but wonderful granny will step in and help this abandoned child. She's got her son back, let her get on with that.

YABU

I’m a MIL and I’ve experienced a split between my DS and DIL. I was extremely upset. I got over it though.

You didn't lose them, you left them.

This,
They are also grieving.
A break up of a marriage is an upsetting time for everyone and they just need space.

Sadly when we divorced ils never once contacted me. Exh didn't get contact with the 2 older dc because they had witnessed too much violence. Judge's words.
Ils didn't believe it..
Until years later he tried to punch mil on her own doorstep.

1 of the dc (adult 30) see them but not see their df..
He regales stories they tell him of when he was small and they did xyz..
Haven't ghe heart to tell him they did sweet fa and the tales are about sills dc.
Don't expect anything from them op.

I think her message is fair. It sounds as though it was you who decided you wanted to end things and so you are going to be seen as the cause of the break up. Time is a great healer. It will likely depend on how well you and your ex can co-parent as to whether or not you can have a relationship with her going forward. For now though her son is back in her house and she will rightly be concerned for the impact of the split on him and his/your daughter (her grand daughter). You child will be impacted by this no matter what you do, and I think it is a positive thing she has recognised this. She can't be there for you too at the moment and it's too much for you to expect it.

Regardless of ‘fault’ ?

Bit harsh. She clearly had her reasons.

time