To feel upset by MILs message about separation

[Havealittlepatienc3]

I separated from DH 2 weeks ago, after 14 years together with 1 DD aged 4.

We got together when we were 18 and gradually grew apart, we parented well together but the intimacy had gone - we hadn’t had sex in almost 2 years (not for my lack of trying), we had tried marriage counselling etc but the crux of it was I couldn’t do it anymore. There were other issues, nothing inherently ‘bad’, but bad enough that I just couldn’t waste any more time in that marriage, and felt we’d tried as hard as we could but it had run its course.

He has moved back in with his parents, and one of the most upsetting parts is being the major villain in his families story - his mum was a second mum to me, and I messaged her to basically say I’m sorry I know this is a very emotional time, appreciate all you are doing for DD, but sorry it’s come to this, essentially.

I have had a reply -

’we will keep communicating about DD but that is all. I need time and space to support my son and granddaughter through this very difficult and emotional transitional period.’

Am I being sensitive atm? That’s really fucked me off - that’s my daughter, I’m not doing it to hurt her, and we are coparenting well currently. I have just replied ‘thank you’, but AIBU to be a bit pissed off with that?

Oh cmon, I get this is an online forum and people compete to see how hysterical they can become but this is a bit much.

Totally agree - I so rarely see anyone in real life respond to things in the way people suggest or say they do on mn. Because if they did, they would have no relationships left. You don’t have to be direct to make your point.

Seriously, mil's note was a master class in passive aggression. It implies much but isn't direct enough to challenge without accusations of being 'hysterical', as you have demonstrated here. She's insulted the OP so cleverly that it's not immediately apparent what she's done - on the surface it's entirely reasonable.

You have to remember that she will be spending lots of time with the OP's dd and she clearly feels that OP is at fault. I wouldn't want any hint of that opinion being dripped into my child's ears. Adults are not always very discreet when they speak in front of kids.
So yes, I absolutely would be making it clear to mil that I'm not a person to meekly apologise for wanting a happy life, that I don't consider a choice to leave a failing relationship as a bad parenting decision, and I wouldn't tolerate any implication of this being made to my child. Let mil know that you've seen her.

She doesn't have a relationship with mil anymore - that's the point. Theres nothing to protect here because mil has made it clear where the OP stands with her.

That's one hell of a lot to read into a four line messages. You have a very creative mind.

They're is absolutely nothing there to ascribe blame. MIL received OP 's message and doesn't feel ready to engage with it yet, so she responded to ask for more time, while she focuses on her son and grandchild (and presumably gets used to having lodgers.

I think some posters need to read the message again. I think we've reached the point where posters are responding to what they think the MIL said, rather than what she actually said. Which was that she needs more time.

She has even said that she just needs time durng this transitional period. She's not written the relationship off for all time.
And she's right to be cautious. It's this transitional period when things can go wrong because everyone is fraught. So her boundary is that she doesn't want to engage in anything to do with the causes of the separation.

I thought this too - who uses phrases like “emotional transitional period” when talking to family (or ex) family members? It’s too formal. Unless she usually talks like that!

Honestly, I think painting MIL to be some poison dripping witch after that message is a massive leap.

Your child has lost her nuclear family of origin, I would be doing what I can to maintain a civil relationship with the extended family, otherwise there will be more loss.

I come from a broken family and the tension between my mum and my dad's family was awful. Having to go from big extended family BBQs and christimasses to "now we can barely look at each other" was hideous, and tbh completely unnecessary if they hadn't have drawn up battle lines and had put the kids first.

Sorry OP as his mum I’d probably send a similar message - she’ll be very hurt and upset, for herself and for her son/granddaughter.
Give her time to get used to what’s happening and hopefully you’ll be able to build a relationship again.
Keep everything with your ex as amicable as possible.

You don't need to actually say something directly - that's what implication and inference are for, so that we don't have to be directly insulting and rude. That doesn't mean mil wasn't insulting the OP.

It's done now though, so it's too late to respond any differently. Mil has let OP know that she's on her own from this point on, so OP will have to adjust her expectations of the relationship. With that in mind she can't rely on mil to always be neutral in front of dd, so will need to keep an eye on what's being said.

I wish you all the best OP - it's hard to be the one who makes the call to leave a relationship where the other person isn't bad and hasn't done anything truly terrible, but it's still not a good enough relationship to stay.
I think you were brave because you will get the fallout from people like mil, who only sees that her son is upset but wasn't the one having to live in that situation. Hopefully when the dust settles, she might be more open to seeing that this wasn't all you, that he was as responsible for the relationship ending and that you were just the one who had the guts to say so.

Mil has let OP know that she's on her own from this point on

No she hasn't. She's asked for time during the transitional period.

But I think you're right that MIL will probably come round when the dust has settled. So I really hope that OP doesn't react on the way that some posters here want her to. Everyone needs to have adjusted to this somewhat before positive progress can happen. Throwing a grenade into the situation in week two, would end in a lot more toxicity.

Just going through the same thing, DH’s family have completely shut me out since we announced our separation event though his moods caused the breakup, I’m now surplus to requirements. I lost both my parents suddenly 4 years ago, so it’s doubly painful. Thankfully I have a great friend group to lean on. It sucks, but is common I’d guess.

But what did you expect? Did you expect them to message you and have you round for coffee? It’s not realistic is it. Particularly in the first throws of divorce where financials are being discussed.

It's possible that MIL is feeling angry. Seeing your GD and son suffer will do that and it's part of grief, fair or not. She may not feel she can say anything constructive right now so is, rightly, taking some space until she feels she can. In this case, she will be looking to preserve some kind of relationship in future, even if it just centres on the children. She is likely aware that she will have to have contact with you in future since her grandchild is your child. Things like weddings, birthdays. If she wants to take some space for things to settle so she can do that more positively, she's doing the right thing for everyone, including OP.

DH’s family have completely shut me out since we announced our separation event though his moods caused the breakup

Am I the only person here, who expects not to know who's at fault (infidelity apart) if her kid's marriage breaks down?
If it happens, of course I'm going to hear my DD's side. I'm unlikely to hear from their partner, so I'm assuming that I'll never know the full story. Just as I don't know exactly why my eldest's previous long term relationship broke down. When she came home, my job was to prove her with emotional support and a roof over her head. I didn't contact her ex, who I liked a lot, because why would I? It would have seemed disloyal.

So yes, being annoyed because it was their offspring's behaviour that caused the break up, is unreasonable.

But they only ever had a relationship with you because you were dating their son - of course that relationship will end once your marriage does.

I’m sure their lives were not ruined, and no one should be forced to stay with someone they don’t love. What a waste of live for both parties.

I understand how you feel but you can’t be surprised. In my case my MIL supported me but paid the price with her son. You’ve had good advice here op.

I think posters here would understand why he was leaving. It’s not unusual to see support for men in this situation on this site.

YABU, as PP have said, this is his mum, you ended the marriage and she is going to support him.

You are allowed to end your marriage, but you cannot expect support from her, like you say, losing them is part of ending your marriage.

In time you may be able to have a friendly relationship with her, but at the moment she has to deal with her son and granddaughter's pain and upset.

If you've fallen out of love and can see no way to repair things, it's absolutely fine to end the relationship. No one in the extended family has a right to be angry about that, so long as the person leaving, isn't cheating or lying, is fair about division of assets and genuinely wants to co parent.

Username checks out on this one

So what's the alternative? Live in an unhappy relationship until dd is an adult?

My DH's parents did that - they felt it was best to stay together 'for the sake of the child'. They finally split when he was early 20's and it was horrible. He wishes they'd done it sooner, not least because their arguments ruined his childhood.

But this is nonsense. Her mother is the one causing the hurt to the daughter. For good reasons in her opinion, maybe/probably.

But you're hardly parent of the month when you leave a so-so spouse who is a fine parent.

I really disagree with this. OP isn't hurting her daughter - the impact of this is very much dependent on how all the adults in DD's life choose to behave going forward.
How old is the dd? 6/8? If she waited until dd was grown, that's a long time to be in a sexless unhappy marriage. Most people consider cheating to be wrong and the best approach as being honesty and separating while there is still some respect left between a couple. The longer an unhappy marriage continues, the less chance of that happening.
DD is unlikely to be traumatised by having 2 parents who live apart but are fully committed to her.

Her parents, not her mother. The relationship failed, that takes two people.