To feel upset by MILs message about separation

[Havealittlepatienc3]

I separated from DH 2 weeks ago, after 14 years together with 1 DD aged 4.

We got together when we were 18 and gradually grew apart, we parented well together but the intimacy had gone - we hadn’t had sex in almost 2 years (not for my lack of trying), we had tried marriage counselling etc but the crux of it was I couldn’t do it anymore. There were other issues, nothing inherently ‘bad’, but bad enough that I just couldn’t waste any more time in that marriage, and felt we’d tried as hard as we could but it had run its course.

He has moved back in with his parents, and one of the most upsetting parts is being the major villain in his families story - his mum was a second mum to me, and I messaged her to basically say I’m sorry I know this is a very emotional time, appreciate all you are doing for DD, but sorry it’s come to this, essentially.

I have had a reply -

’we will keep communicating about DD but that is all. I need time and space to support my son and granddaughter through this very difficult and emotional transitional period.’

Am I being sensitive atm? That’s really fucked me off - that’s my daughter, I’m not doing it to hurt her, and we are coparenting well currently. I have just replied ‘thank you’, but AIBU to be a bit pissed off with that?

I wouldn't necessarily blame either. If my son OR daughter, for example, was the one who broke up their family (they're only kids, I mean if they marry when they grow up!), I would support my SIL/DIL-most of all I would be supporting my grandchild, if there was one, because they are the innocent child.
The message isn't rude or aggressive though, OP, and she is being very clear she will put the child first, so I would try to take that to mean she still wants to be there for you and hopes that the family can make it through.

She replied, and she was civil. That leaves it open for more cordial relations to resume in due course. She will of course be taking her son’s side / sympathising with him, as only natural.
I’m sure if you got on that things will thaw in time xx

Yabu, my dd is in a similar situation, and I told her she was unreasonable too

She is his mum so is going to support her son (and granddaughter). OP can’t get support from her anymore as it’s a conflict of interest for want of a better term. If she really expected anymore than being civil, she’s on another planet.

The MIL hasn’t said anything wrong anyway. She is looking after her own, which is normal but has been civil with OP. There is no issue other than OP having unreasonable expectations.

YANBU op, that’s how she feels but as the mother of her granddaughter, she should care about you too. But you can remember this in the future when she’s wanting to be involved in stuff.

I think just give it time, OP. Just give her the space and time that she has (probably quite rightly) asked for, and I really do think things will improve as you all settle down into a new norm.

But if she's currently furious at OP and feels like her actions have hurt her son and granddaughter then cold civility probably feels like quite an act of restraint in itself. Again, I'm not saying she's objectively right to feel like that, I'm saying it's entirely emotionally understandable.

What a horrible attitude 😬 going into these situations with that kind of aggressive, combative mindset is no good for anyone, least of all the child in the middle.

Oh for goodness sake. We've reached the punishing the MIL stage already? Just two weeks after her son has had to move in because his wife has left him?

Give the woman a break. Presumably she's not grilling her son about how much or little her had sex with OP. All she knows at this point is that OP made the decision, her son is bereft, and her little grandchild is confused. And of course her home is no longer just hers.

This has come out of nowhere for her,. She's very likely to come round, so she really didn't need to be 'paid back' for a civil short message at this stage.

Well, obviously. You presumably thought about that before you left and decided it was worth it?

Yabu but I can understand losing the bond with the whole family is really difficult but this is a shit part of the decision you have made. She's not suggested that you've done it to hurt your daughter or anyone. She's just setting that boundary that she only wants contact about your daughter, not about you and she's only there for your daughter and her son, which is fair as ultimately you are no longer family that ended when you left her son. It's shit but it's true.

But maybe she is angry at OP.

I had a good relationship with BIL. I found him slightly hard work but basically a decent bloke and would remember his birthday, ask after him, enjoy seeing him at Christmas.

Then he left DSis. It was absolutely his right, the relationship was not working for him. But in so doing, he hurt her horribly. She came to stay with us and she couldn't stop crying for days. I felt protective of my sister and angry with him. Looking back, I suppose I considered his reasons for ending it trivial and probably "judged" him for that.

This is not like a parent working between two children who have fallen out. This is a mum who perhaps sees her son badly hurt and feeling his life is just about over.

I didn't give a crap how BIL was doing after they split. He made the decision, he was sitting pretty as far as I was concerned. I was far more worried about my grieving sibling who was at rock bottom.

Time passed and we get over these things, but two weeks in, it's fair enough. Why would you assume the person who chose to end it needed help? They made their choice, the other partner has no choice.

A divorce is between two people when families get involved it gets messy

When my parents divorced my moms family were still polite and kind to him he tidied up her fathers grave one year when no-one else could get there they didn't get along anymore granted but they had manners and respect they were the first to offer condolences when my father passed away you dont just start hating on someone because they are no longer in a relationship with a loved one

I get that, to an extent. But even if she feels furious, she knows & likes OP, and can add just one additional line to say she hopes OP is also ok.
I’m not saying it’s easy. But it’s not up to MIL to be furious. It’s up to her to do what she can to support her DS without being punitive to her DIL. And frankly, other than her usual role as a DGM, she can stay out of needing to support OP’s DD. She has two parents to do that.

My dd came back to live with me after her first serious relationship fell apart.

honestly she was bursting into tears at the drop of a hat and was totally devastated.

it’s really really hard supporting someone in that situation and I can only imagine it’s a lot harder where there is a child involved.

your mil doesn’t know the details of your split and honestly she probably doesn’t want to. But it’s exhausting being there for your child involved this situation and honestly I think she’s been very restrained and polite.

Id send her a 👍

Then i wouldn't communicate with her at all. She's given you a boundary and id respect that.

You have no need to communicate with her about DD. Communicate with her dad. He is your coparent not exmil.

I think. She's very short sighted. When my brothers split with their exs my mum was clear that the mothers of her grandchildren were always welcome in her home. We've had Xmas dinner with new wife, ex and the child of one brother a few years ago. Also, ex had a small fire and stayed for a week with nephew at my folks. Mum has also hosted birthday parties for the children and their extended families on both sides.

It doesnt need to be like this but id respect the boundary.

Of course she can be furious! OP has hurt her son and she's had to take him in!

She will very probably come round, but right now she's angry with her, so why would she want to ask after her?

It's ridiculous to expect MIL to act in some saintly fashion right now.

Why would you assume the person who chose to end it needed help? They made their choice, the other partner has no choice.

@JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff

I get what you are saying. Of course, you were devastated for your DSis, rightly so.

It’s not about ‘needing help’ tho. That message from MIL wasn’t polite & considered, it was harsh & unkind. It could have been phrased so much better.

Also based on what OP has said, this isn’t an out of the blue decision for OP’s H. It’s been coming for years, they tried counselling, there’s been no sex. She might have finally instigated it but he can’t have been blindsided.

Of course MIL may not know this, who knows. But I can absolutely understand OP’s hurt when she hasn’t done something wrong or mistreated anyone.

You made the decision you couldn't remain in the marriage. Therfore you must have thought of the consequences and what would happen to relationships with his family. You couldnt have expected them to continue as before.
Your are supporting your daughter as presumably is her Dad. However, for his mother she sees her son not living with his daughter and missing that regular contact (presumably daughter is living with you). She has to support him and her grandaughter who has had a massive change in her life at 4.
You are doing your best for your daughter but in her eyes you are also the one who made the decision to ask her son to leave.
Given the circumstances that is a decent message from your ex MIL who is possibly trying to come to terms with a major upheaval in her life.

I agree,I’ve supported DD who left a long term partner and just turned up on the door step in floods of tears, asking if she could stay. The ins and outs don’t matter, you react as a mum, in the moment, to look after your own. I listened, cuddled her, fed her and got her childhood room ready. I was shaking inside, but did all I could. It’s what decent people do.

Why should she be furious? It’s not her relationship or life.

I would support my DC of course but this is a marriage breakdown between two people; MIL can be sad for them, upset for her DS but why furious?

Nothing has been done to her, and nothing unreasonable to her DS either. (Unless he has fabricated a story to her.).

But I can absolutely understand OP’s hurt when she hasn’t done something wrong or mistreated anyone.

She's just left her husband! Or rather has made her husband move out. It might be the right decision, but of course she's badly hurt someone.

She's not really in a position to moan about being 'hurt' right now.

from your ex MIL who is possibly trying to come to terms with a major upheaval in her life

It’s not about MIL or her life.

Oh come on!

she instigated the final step. But before that they had a long period of growing apart, she tried to keep sex going (and was rejected), counselling didn’t work.

That is not someone badly hurting anyone. I presume both parties are hurt in varying ways; arguably OP could be more hurt if she’s spent years trying to save the relationship with no effort from H (I am not saying that’s the case but it’s potentially so).

Of course she can be hurt!

Technically, I ended my (abusive) marriage. After years of really awful abuse, I finally found the courage and determination to tell
him to go, and he actually did. Bloody hell, I was hurt though & deservedly so.