How to leave DP when I’m a SAHM.

[Optionsneeded]

SAHM. Two children under the age of 5.

My partner does nothing other than work and pay for everything.

I do 100% of the childcare and housework, even at weekends. Anytime I ask for help with anything around the house, it’s met with huffing and puffing and although it’s never been said out loud, I know he expects that this is my job as he goes to work. I genuinely mean that I do 100% of everything house and child related.

I am completely fed up of this.

I had our first DC right after finishing university (there is an 19 year age gap between us). Unfortunately I am no longer qualified to go back into what I trained as, and would need to start back from the beginning with a new career. However I have no time to train in anything as I do 100% of the childcare. DP will not pay for any childcare nor would he reduce his house to help with this.

I would like to make a plan to leave but I’m stuck. We are not married. Looking for ideas and advice on my next steps.

@Optionsneeded he wanted children (and I get that at 40 he didn't want to leave it longer) but has little involvement with them? And he promised he'd 'look after you'?
But you don't want to 'rock the boat' to tackle this with him?
So much wrong with this. It's the traditional provider / domestic doormat model that you've allowed to establish.
There's plenty of advice on her about how you can build up some independent means. At that point you then have a degree of choice about how to go forward which isn't really the case at the moment.

What she has described is a man who wants a stepford wife.

Neither do single parents. And they don’t have anyone to pay their bills for them.

It’s a huge risk being in the position you’re in, and I wouldn’t personally have chosen it for myself.

The options are distribute the responsibility, or go back to work.

And if the answer to either of those is it won’t be “allowed,” then it’s time to pack up and leave, because I’d pay very little attention to what a man “allows” me to do.

I’m sure he did. But giving him one was a mistake.

The situation obviously needs to change, but it blows my mind people accept this for themselves to begin with.

Exactly. He comes and goes as he pleases. He has never taken the children out of the house without me. He plays golf, goes on golf trips abroad, sees his friends yet I don’t have time for any of these things as he would say he is too busy with work to look after the children.

It’s usually a “frog in a pot” situation.

I'm not saying you do nothing at all!
But he does things too.

I disagree that you're his slave but I don't think you should be condemned to staying with him either.
I hate the expression you made your bed.

It's miserable not earning money.

You've not done anything deplorable, you've not killed or anything like that, you have made a mistake perhaps.

If you want to get out, there's help available, I just disagree with those who say that you're a victim that's all.

Your lifestyle may drop, though.

You say he's not a millionaire, but he is wealthy and you don't seem to see that making me think you don't know much about the less salubrious side of life.

OP I am sorry that so many on here have derailed your thread.

I hope you contact womensaid and if you do want to create a further thread about this then please do not post on mumsnet, anywhere would be better than here because this topic brings out the absolute worst of the worst on this site.

What would he say if you pointed out the discrepancy?

If you are physically safe with him, I recommend slowly taking up more space. By this I mean, stop meeting his every expectation. It’s so hard to do and yes takes fortitude but if you change nothing, nothing will change.

”I’d like a day out alone. You have golf, go on holiday, etc. I need something similar for myself.”

But she would have known she does not have a home or any security, yet decided to go ahead and have two children making herself even more vulnerable.

She should have been able to trust the father of her children.

He would say, “why are you moaning? I provide everything, I can’t do that whilst looking after the children”

“when are you back, I need you to come and have the children as I have work to do”

”I just need a break, work has been hectic”

”you’re at home all day, that isn’t that stressful”

”well I’ll quit my job then and you can work and provide instead”

No different than many other people out there.

What matters now is that she wants to make a plan to leave.

I’m wondering what would happen, OP, if you reminded your DH of the agreement that you could finish your studies ‘later.’ What if you said ‘later’ is starting to happen?
Start looking at how and where you could take up your pharmacy again.
Perhaps I missed it but I have not seen you mention that this has actually happened?
You can calmly explain that you don’t want to be a HW for ever.
If you calmly stick to your guns, is there a chance he would go with it?
If he doesn’t, you know where you are.
You may feel completely controlled by him but perhaps you can gently grow more agency by exploring the possibilities of qualifying professionally?

He would say maybe when the children are both in full time school and if I can find a course that’s during school hours.

But that it just wouldn’t work until this point.

Sadly it apparently means nothing. Being intellectually smart counts for very little for so many, as is the case here.
What a waste of talent and brain.

Why have you not discussed getting married to make your position more secure?

Do you get ANY cash that you can start hoarding for a future split?

Have you ever asked him to marry you?

That’s what I would have guessed.

All my advice hinges upon whether he might become physically abusive if you push harder.

If you don’t have any fear of that, you should push back.

“Since it’s so easy to care for the children you’ll be fine. I want gym time (or some other hobby) 3 times per week for one hour. If you can’t manage the children we can hire a sitter.”

You have to push back. Take up space. You matter.

I despair.

No, of course intelligence does not equal life experience. Nor does it teach someone to be kind or empathetic. Read through this thread for endless examples.

That's really unhelpful and mean. Op is using her brain and skills to raise her kids and run a home. She will use it in other ways in the future.

Don't really have advice op but wishing you the best. I don't know if it would be possible for your to watch another kid for money? However even if it was perhaps he'd tell you to use that money for basics.
He's cruel and financially abusive, I'm sorry your in this position. You should have an equal amount of spending money.

With lots of in-fighting!

And fo you think if you leave him then you won't have to do all those things yourself , PLUS earn the money?

You need legal advice.

If she leaves him she'll have one less adult to look after. Plus she'll get support with uc allowing her to work and earn her own money. I'm sure she'd prefer that.