How to leave DP when I’m a SAHM.

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SAHM. Two children under the age of 5.

My partner does nothing other than work and pay for everything.

I do 100% of the childcare and housework, even at weekends. Anytime I ask for help with anything around the house, it’s met with huffing and puffing and although it’s never been said out loud, I know he expects that this is my job as he goes to work. I genuinely mean that I do 100% of everything house and child related.

I am completely fed up of this.

I had our first DC right after finishing university (there is an 19 year age gap between us). Unfortunately I am no longer qualified to go back into what I trained as, and would need to start back from the beginning with a new career. However I have no time to train in anything as I do 100% of the childcare. DP will not pay for any childcare nor would he reduce his house to help with this.

I would like to make a plan to leave but I’m stuck. We are not married. Looking for ideas and advice on my next steps.

There's also a lot of free time of course.
She probably doesn't work as much as him, she just thinks she does because her work hours are more spread out.

Of course, the exception is those parents of disabled children for whom life can be relentless hard work.

They're ignoring it because it suits them. There's a lot of weirdos on this thread who idealize the powerful man subjugated woman dynamic. They are incapable of having an equal relationship with a woman. So the idea that women might help each other to identify the abuse in this dynamic and leave it terrifies them.

@HoskinsChoice Not true - a clever and wealthy man knows how to play the game. We were court ordered 50/50. A decade on we are still in privately rented whilst my ex-husband resides in a million pound property.
Marriage does not offer the protection people assume it does in the case of an astute controller.

My children are adults too. I was a SAHM for a couple of years and then worked again so can compare. There was a lot more housework when I had two preschoolers at home than when I was back at work and they were at school/nursery. If I just had one child and no husband (ex was very untidy) it would have been even easier.

Why is it “him” paying? If all financial decisions are his alone that’s financial abuse. And it means she does not have access to household income.

@walrushurricane I understand but sadly think these are just normal mumsnetters, Women often lack empathy for other women. OP mentioned high income and that sets some off, too.

Come on guys! He brings in £14000 pm but won't pay for a cleaner?!!!!!

Why do people think being university educated means a young women is less likely to make poor relationship decisions? Where is this correlation between understanding pharmaceutics and not being financially trapped by a partner. There is some weird classism on this thread.

I knew plenty of stupid air heads at uni. Being academically gifted in on area does not stop people being naive in others.

There is clearly a power imbalance, but I'm struggling to understand why someone who was bright enough to achieve a pharmacy degree decided to forgo her pre-reg year to start a family, then when it was clear he wasn't pulling his weight then went on to have another child without the safety net of marriage.

In terms of not having time to socialise I don't know why she can't take the little one to toddler group while the older one is at school. She will soon be able to take advantage of a free nursery place for the younger one as well.

Also implicit in all this is that if a woman once agrees to this dynamic when she's young and goes on to have a child with a man like this, then that's it... He owns her. He's paying for her lifestyle after all.

It's all really gross.

Having been married to a coercive controller I can spot one from a mile off. Unfortunately, if he's really cruel, he will continue to exert control with a 50/50 childcare request and leave his partner in the pits financially.
Lived experience.

I didnt have alot of free time when I had young children and was in a controlling (and abusive) relationship. My ex who went to work had alot of free time including hobbies, nights out and holidays with friends but I had full responsibility to care for our young children. Plus all housework and the errands he'd give me to run.

I would tend to think that having a second child implies "this works for me"

Protesting about what.😂I am certainly not the only person who thinks there are a lot of posters with an agenda on this thread.

2 people don't generate as much housework/laundry/cooking and cleaning as 4 people, obviously.

This is a wild take.

If it is so easy, why doesn’t he contribute on the weekends and in the evenings? Children need constant attention at these ages. Instead he’s out golfing. When is OP supposed to get out of the house and relax? Maybe she wants to play golf.

Consent can be removed at any point in a relationship. Very important that you know this!

She is being abused FFS. 🙄

You cant afford to walk away. You have two small children and you are not entitled to half the house.
You minimise his contribution which is 100% paying for everything.
You need to get them big enough for full time school and off your hands then go back and train for another career otherwise all you will have is a life on benefits in a council flat somewhere.
Horrible for you and the kids. Ive been a single mum Im now in my 60s and it was zero fun.
You will be doing everything plus more AND working full time if you leave. He has zero obligation to take the children off your hands.

And the inquisition when he arrived home, right?

He's got her exactly where she wants her.
I left a man like this.
Unfortunately, despite being married to him, I was still left homeless and penniless. I also had to learn to go from primary carer of my very young children to being without them for 7 days at a time, week on-week off. Not even phone calls were successfully permitted by the other party.
It was, and still is, harder to live with than anybody can truly understand unless they've been there themselves. By God, was I punished.

But there is hope.

Married women do more housework than single mothers. Here's why
Adding a second adult to a household should halve the domestic work. Research shows it does the opposite for women

qz.com/married-women-housework-single-mothers-gender-marriage-051526

This. We had an incredible talk at work from a colleague who is a survivor of DV (her ex is in jail for it now) and she discussed how it started. How he would create such a fuss and an issue with her doing things she as spending on what he disagreed with, going to work socials etc that it ground her down to the point she found it easier just to continue to go along with what he wanted.

I'm so sorry. The way they treat the children in all this. Disgusting. But in my experience the children do see through it eventually and they're left on their own. Aging. Alone. Wondering how on earth it turned out like this when they were once so powerful and dominating.

You make more of paying for things than it’s worth.

This man could not actually afford to pay what would cost to replace the work OP does. He does not earn enough.

OP has a right to make decisions about how their household will run and he’s taken that away from her. None of us would ever willingly agree to this.