How to leave DP when I’m a SAHM.

[Optionsneeded]

SAHM. Two children under the age of 5.

My partner does nothing other than work and pay for everything.

I do 100% of the childcare and housework, even at weekends. Anytime I ask for help with anything around the house, it’s met with huffing and puffing and although it’s never been said out loud, I know he expects that this is my job as he goes to work. I genuinely mean that I do 100% of everything house and child related.

I am completely fed up of this.

I had our first DC right after finishing university (there is an 19 year age gap between us). Unfortunately I am no longer qualified to go back into what I trained as, and would need to start back from the beginning with a new career. However I have no time to train in anything as I do 100% of the childcare. DP will not pay for any childcare nor would he reduce his house to help with this.

I would like to make a plan to leave but I’m stuck. We are not married. Looking for ideas and advice on my next steps.

She won’t be entitled to half his house and assets. It will likely be deemed be a short marriage unless she’s planning to stay for years. She brought nothing into the marriage so why would she be entitled to half?

She wouldn't though. She isn't married to him.

Find a nursery for the toddler and start looking at your future career and training needs in this time. It's crucial that you can support yourself by starting to build your skills and experience, even if you are working in a supermarket or cafe doing something completely unrelated to your original plans.

Op you’ve only been out of workplace 5 years if you have 2 children under 5 and had them straight after leaving uni

you will need to find full time job . You’re acting like you e sacrificed a 30 year career. You have not

you are entitled to 50 % of any house equity and cms if you own as joint tenants You’re not entitled to a share if any other assets.

It’s highly unlikely be allowed to stay in house until kids 18 based on their young ages. And highly unlikely he’d be expected to pay mortgage etc to do so .

look at what you’re entitled to with universal credit, you get help with a lot of childcare fees, plus cms

Well, if you leave he'll have to pay child support. Then you do what other single mothers of small children do - claim benefits and accept that you're going to be poor until they're both in school and you're working.

He will have to pay you child support. Probably around 20% of his take home pay. That’s it.

Would family be able to help you whilst you sort out a job and childcare?

This is on the theory she marries him so she gets a divorce settlement. A very cynical approach to life and depends on him agreeing.

Given OP has put herself in a hugely vulnerable position there is no incentive for him to agree.

She would be better getting employment and building her own life so she options.

Do you have access to money to pay a solicitor for advice regarding your separation? Would you be able to squirrel away some money from now on, for your own peace of mind, and to help in you future?

She is not entitled to any of the equity in the house.

If your DP doesn’t support you all and you say you can’t work or retrain, who is going if you split? Taxpayer? You’ll likely still have the lions share of childcare. Not quite understanding why have two DC if he didn’t step up after the first?

You’re in a really vulnerable position too not being married. If you split all you’ll be entitled to is child maintenance. He’ll still be a high earner, with the lifestyle that goes with it. If you were married, it would be 50-50 asset division as a starting point.

I wish posters would read the OP’s posts. They are not married so she won’t get half of the house as it is in his name!

You can study whilst a SAHM. Plenty do. But not sure how you’d pay for a course if you have zero income. Sounds like you’ll need to see if you can move in with family as housing is going to be hard to get

This is usually my stance but I disagree in this situation. I'm also all for SAHMs but only when that is mutual and they have access to finances. It sounds like a older man had taken advantage of the OPs young naivety and got her into a position where she has no financial freedom, no stability or stake in the home and he is unwilling to pay for or provide childcare so she can broaden her options. He's essentially trapped her and I'd guess it was intentional. I think OP should leave whilst she is still young and able to build her own career and financial security.

This is terrible advice. I agree that this would be a shitty and manipulative thing to do, and he isn’t likely to be stupid enough to fall for it anyway. If he was willing to get married he’d have done it by now. A divorce when one party is a high earner and the other is on benefits is going to be incredibly stressful.

OP, try and get your youngest in nursery and then find a job. Even a part time one will give you stability and Some kind of a support network that you can use to help you rebuild a life.

That’s why I said if you own as joint tenants ! Yes I missed the one post mentioning it’s in his name

@Optionsneeded Quote: “My partner does nothing other than work and pay for everything.”

These are two VERY important things that he does!! Your partner supports you financially by working very hard. You’re able to be a SAHM because of him!!! You both work hard in different ways.

There are posters suggesting she gets married just so that she could put in a claim for half the house. He sounds like he would be unlikely to agree to it though and knew exactly what he had to do to make the op completely dependant on him so he could behave as badly as he liked.

Unfortunately op, if you leave, you will be entitled to CMS only. I suggest putting your details into https://www.entitledto.co.uk/ and see what you come out with. In the meantime, I strongly suggest trying to get into work of some
sort.

lol he’s not stupid he’s not going to marry her.

”marry him” as if it’s something that can be done unilaterally.

I too think he knows exactly what he’s doing and won’t marry as he’d risk his assets. Is he named on birth certificate?

Just pondering your relationship. Did you meet him before or after university and how did you meet him?

I’m going to guess he always put off marriage for some excuse or another. This is why. Because he didn’t want her to be entitled to half of the house, pension and savings etc
This is why marriage isn’t just a piece of paper.

Anyway I guess OP you have two choices. Persuade him to marry you. Wait about 3 years then leave.

Or you leave now, get a job and claim maintenance. Which may be best going through CMS. You will need to find a landlord who accept universal credit. Can you move in with family temporarily?

You are in a very vulnerable position not even having access to savings and letting him put only his name on the house. He’s using you as an unpaid nanny.

Did you read the post

Shitty and potentially manipulative is the DP here, getting very young women half his age pregnant without any security and turning her into a maid.

If the options are trying to get more from him or going directly for benefits, getting more from him should be the first chocie.

I don't think he would necessarily "fall for it", but maybe something will come from the discussion, be it a value or some kind of change.

This is an example why the cohabitation law changes are being considered - because now the taxpayer would have to house children which have perfectly capable, but shitty father.

He would have to agree and say yes to marrying though. Whilst no prince, he probably isn't stupid and at this point with everything made for him and working to his convenience he would be unlikely to want to get married and risk half his assets.

OP, get a job, claim UC, get little one into funded nursery and eldest into wraparound care. You didn't answer if you have joint bank account and access to finances?