How to leave DP when I’m a SAHM.

[Optionsneeded]

SAHM. Two children under the age of 5.

My partner does nothing other than work and pay for everything.

I do 100% of the childcare and housework, even at weekends. Anytime I ask for help with anything around the house, it’s met with huffing and puffing and although it’s never been said out loud, I know he expects that this is my job as he goes to work. I genuinely mean that I do 100% of everything house and child related.

I am completely fed up of this.

I had our first DC right after finishing university (there is an 19 year age gap between us). Unfortunately I am no longer qualified to go back into what I trained as, and would need to start back from the beginning with a new career. However I have no time to train in anything as I do 100% of the childcare. DP will not pay for any childcare nor would he reduce his house to help with this.

I would like to make a plan to leave but I’m stuck. We are not married. Looking for ideas and advice on my next steps.

That may well be the case but its not relevant here because he isnt going to change for OP.
She needs to be thinking about how to get back on the career ladder and work out how she is going to pay for childcare and where they are all going to live.
At the moment she has no power in this relationship and she needs to get some.
I could never have afforded to leave my pgysically and mentally abusive first husband if I hadn't already had a succesful career. She needs to work on that.

You are actually completely ignoring the content of the post you quoted..

No it's not my situation but I was defending OP!

I don’t think we disagree except that she’s has not minimized his “contribution” at all. Having no financial power is the reason she posted here. She’s trying to find a way out.

Waiting may be an option but depending upon how abusive he is in other ways, it may not. People in her situation do get out. It’s possible.

Got it! Sorry. There are so many here saying it’s normal so I misread your comment about it being your job.

How do you know she has no financial power?
Here's what is known:

She talks of 120k as if it's not a high salary.
Only 1 in 20 people of working age in the UK earn 50k or over.

She's never earned money in her life. Or if she has it's probably very part-time.
Cushioned by student loans she's not having to pay back. Possibly bank of mum and dad helping out.

It is therefore not beyond reasonability that what she deems to be him looking at the statements and controlling her spending and what a lot of people here are labelling as financial control/abuse is him, rightfully, having a meltdown over the fact she blows a lot of money on things that aren't needed.

Why shouldn't this be true?
She's clearly not had to fend for herself in the world of work.
It's not incomprehensible that such a person has no clue about money.
This isn't even a criticism of her as such, I mean why the heck would she?
I'd probably be the same in her circumstances.

I’m working on statements OP made here. You are working on imaginings.

Her father has passed, which you missed factoring into your guesswork.

He’s not a millionaire.

Some of the posts are truly disgusting and shocking, it's clear that they are just trying to cause pain to the OP at this point. Nasty bullies.

The fact that they ignore the power imbalance, and even worse try to make out that it was the 21 year old who used this 40 year old man and he's the one they feel sorry for (even though he quite clearly is financially abusive) is just DARVO'ing the victim for a random man who they don't even know.

I hope their families find their post histories and see what these people are like on the internet 😅

It was nothing like this.

We met, dated, things turned serious. People think he’s a great guy. My friends did raise eyebrows at his age, but he’s fairly young for his age and we had loads of fun together so it didn’t bother me.
He wanted to be a dad, I knew I wanted to be a mum one day. He suggested I took a pause on my studies to have children and that I could go back to it one day in the future, but that it was now or never if we wanted to have children together. He said I didn’t need to worry about earning money and that he’d ‘look after me’. I got swept up in it all.

“she liked that” sounds like a glimpse into the writer’s own psyche.

My OH doesn’t want the baby to be put into nursery. It’s not as simple as me just enrolling him.

DH would not pay for it. It’s easier to not rock the boat on something like this.

I hope OP is able to disregard the unhelpful and sometimes misogynistic posts on here, and has developed a plan to leave.

I know you can do it Op. You are no less capable than the many women who have come before you, and indeed you have your youth and education on your side. Any chance your mum can put you and the kids up? that would make all the difference.

My imaginings are as good as anybody else's here.

My partner expects a clean and tidy house.

I have two children to get ready, nursery drop offs and pick ups, breakfasts, lunches and dinners to make, house cleaning to do, laundry to do, food shopping to do, pets to be looked after, tidying up to do, gardening to do, bathing the children, bedtimes, ironing to do, all of our life admin. All whilst having a baby with me all day. All to do single handedly.

How can you say this isn’t much to do?

Perhaps £1000.

He would say it’s best for our family for me to not work and that he has the costs covered so it makes no sense.

Well then he needs to give you financial security and put the house jointly in your name or marry you. I doubt he will though…

I really wonder what's happened to mumsnet, it's become such an unkind place. Years ago when I first came on the site it was full of women supporting each other and thoughtful discussions.

OP i think you'd be better off leaving him and claiming child support. He is obviously financially abusive.

It probably is best for your children. But he’s wrong- the cost is his but the risk is entirely yours. You could be paying for this for decades to come.

Because it’s what working parents do, in a nutshell.

We have to keep our house, garden etc tidy and clean. And do the school run, bath the kids, feed everyone. Washing and ironing, meal prepping, the same life aim as everyone else. Get up 3 - 82 times a night with our autistic son. Food shopping, mopping, hoovering. So on, and so forth….

And working 40+ hrs a week.

What you’re describing is being on maternity leave, and otherwise being a grown up.

The issue isn’t that you have responsibilities at home, it’s that they’re not distributed between you and your partner.

The responsibilities themselves are the same as everyone else’s.

Yes, he expects everything to be done and the house to be tidy every evening for when he gets home. Eg. All ironing done and put away, kitchen to be cleared, kids to be bathed (or in bed) etc.

But that’s my whole point? I do all of these things completely by myself. I have zero help with them.

@Optionsneeded Have you explained that you are stressed and unhappy?

Does he recognize that you have no life outside of taking care of everyone?

Do you feel safe?

It really is disgusting.

What decade or even century do these people live in?

What a set up for these men.....talk a very young women into having babies and then you own her and can keep her chained to the kitchen sink.