How to leave DP when I’m a SAHM.

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SAHM. Two children under the age of 5.

My partner does nothing other than work and pay for everything.

I do 100% of the childcare and housework, even at weekends. Anytime I ask for help with anything around the house, it’s met with huffing and puffing and although it’s never been said out loud, I know he expects that this is my job as he goes to work. I genuinely mean that I do 100% of everything house and child related.

I am completely fed up of this.

I had our first DC right after finishing university (there is an 19 year age gap between us). Unfortunately I am no longer qualified to go back into what I trained as, and would need to start back from the beginning with a new career. However I have no time to train in anything as I do 100% of the childcare. DP will not pay for any childcare nor would he reduce his house to help with this.

I would like to make a plan to leave but I’m stuck. We are not married. Looking for ideas and advice on my next steps.

As I say....you set a low bar. I feel as if it should be a given. I can't believe you'd expect any parent to need to pre-agree that they would play an active role in their child's life. It's something you would assume of any partner you're in a relationship with. It's the bare minimum to expect.

I'm a SAHM with a cleaner. Clue is in the title - my job is to look after the CHILDREN.

Or adding a second child made her realise how hard it is and her becoming older and more mature made her realise how shitty her partner is.

Young me has been involved in some relationships that old me looks back at and thinks “what the fuck were you thinking.”

From personal experience being a single working mum is better than being in a controlling relationship. Also once single you have access to your own money and can get a job and help with childcare. My ex isn't allowed any direct contact with our children and I have no support so it's all on me but it's still a millions times easier than being in that relationship.
Like my ex, if she leaves he'll still have to pay his mortgage and his bills, he just won't have a live in cook and cleaner.

Lol. I didn't say that everyone who disagrees with me is a man or a school child at all. But there are certainly a few incels on this thread.

Are they with you and you alone 24/7? Do you never leave the house without them?

You don't say if you've got your own bank account as well as the joint one. If not, get one. Can you start selling things on ebay to raise some money? You shouldn't have to do that but it seems you've no option if you can't get a job. I would reach out to your mum for help too.

@Whatswrongherethen Well he's remarried to a woman 15 years his junior now. To an outsider she had an "idyllic" life, but I know that this won't be the case; a man like him is incapable of change. She will be trapped, despite her protesations to the contrary.
One of my sons is an adult now, the other not far off - and their view of the situation continues to evolve. I am, and always have been, incredibly proud of them.
I am now happily remarried and my husband and I share a gorgeous 6 yo together. We are still in privately rented, despite both working, but I am loved, safe and free ❤️

And single mothers also have more leisure time than married women.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/living-single/201906/single-moms-less-housework-more-leisure-than-married-moms

if you explained to him that since his job is 9 to 5 or whenever but your job is almost 24/7 as mother maybe he will understand the need for his help a bit more. Maybe it will not help, but worth a try. All the best.

Huh? I don't understand the relevance of your question.

Then she will have to set her sights lower. Cut her coat according to the cloth in the circumstances she now finds herself or leave him earlier and go it alone.

OP’s partner never takes care of the children, ever. He never lifts a finger in the house. He works and golfs and lounges around. She does absolutely everything for the children and to take care of his house.

Is that your situation?

When you posted before I thought you met at work (some summer internship you had while at uni?)

If he won't support her to retrain she should definitely leave.

Nobody goes to their paid employment 24/7 with no breaks but they still have cleaners. I'm sure the sahm also does alot of housework in between the cleaner coming.

Can I ask what you mean but when you posted before....is there another thread?

You seem not to be of an age where you have seen many relationships of exactly the same nature be very successful. It used to be common.

Whilst I accept that this particular relationship might be financially controlling, it's also the case on this thread that many people are completely leaving out of count how advantageous many people do, or would, find it never to have to worry about earning money or managing the household expenditure.

There is also a complete dismissal of just how difficult and stressful it normally is to run your own company.

And until the OP comes back and explains what discussions she's had with her partner about her unhappiness and what the results of those discussions were, I'm staying on the fence about just how abusive this relationship is.

Sure. 'Leaving' is easier said than done. Otherwise, why would OP be on this thread asking for advice on being stuck.

If he won't pay for childcare, what are the chances he is going to support her 'retraining', which would involve cost and take her away from childcare and housework.

Not sure if you are completely across the detail and implications of the OP's posts.

Yes, the initial steps will be very difficult which is why she needs to plan and see what support she can get. Ultimately she will be much better off though.

I think that may be another poster though there are close parallels. It could all be the same creative writing course though.

I’m starting to lean towards this explanation too!

Yup. Too little interaction from op. They got a solid 38 pages out of us though

I agree.
She says he 'only' earned 120k a year when they met.
Only?! Lol.

For all we know he came from more humble beginnings and he knows what it takes to earn a few quid.
(She clearly does not given the fact she never has and talks about 120k as if it's nothing.)

Who knows he could be looking at the joint account statement and thinking,
Jesus H. CHRIST She's spent 300 quid on a sweater for the one-year-old.

As for the golf, a lot of deals are made on the golf course.

There's no advantage to being in a controlling and unhappy, or abusive relationship. Getting free bed and board but with no freedom or money of your own is not a luxury.