How to leave DP when I’m a SAHM.

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SAHM. Two children under the age of 5.

My partner does nothing other than work and pay for everything.

I do 100% of the childcare and housework, even at weekends. Anytime I ask for help with anything around the house, it’s met with huffing and puffing and although it’s never been said out loud, I know he expects that this is my job as he goes to work. I genuinely mean that I do 100% of everything house and child related.

I am completely fed up of this.

I had our first DC right after finishing university (there is an 19 year age gap between us). Unfortunately I am no longer qualified to go back into what I trained as, and would need to start back from the beginning with a new career. However I have no time to train in anything as I do 100% of the childcare. DP will not pay for any childcare nor would he reduce his house to help with this.

I would like to make a plan to leave but I’m stuck. We are not married. Looking for ideas and advice on my next steps.

It wouldn't be possible to retrain if she is looking after small children and doing all the housework though.

If she really wants matters to change the children can go to childcare with the money she earns. One is already in nursery.

Housework really isn’t that much effort.

Wow. So you know she has lots of relatives and you know their point of view on age difference relationships AND you know these relatives are’nt afraid to share an opinion AND you know she refused to listen. Thats actually quite hilarious it’s so assumptive.

Of course it wouldn't.

As we are all, including OP, very much aware.

Hence the whole point of the thread.

Because her DH refuses to pay for any domestic help, and he refuses to do any himself, she is very much stuck.

Constantly berating OP for the choices she made years ago with few (if any) actual helpful suggestions on how to get out of the situation seems very childish to me. The fact that they think 20/21 is so old is also a clue. There are quite a few incels on this thread too.

I agree

Being a sahm with young children and a lazy partner is hardwork. Children and house work don't disappear at 5.30.
Once home from work the other parent should help. Going to work doesn't mean you do nothing at home and treat the sahp as the 24/7 live in slave.

Nobody who is telling the OP she is a slave is helping her.
Fuelling the idea that she is hard done by is not helping.
Slavery is a criminal offence. If those telling her that she is a slave convince her that she actually is, and she goes to the police they will politely tell her to go away while laughing about it in their break over coffee.

Just stop it ffs.

We all make mistakes but she is free to leave at any point. A slave is not.

Another thing, where's all this f*ing housework coming from?
She seems blessed with healthy children, one of whom is not even there all the time, why can't she do it?
Has she no routine?

Her day probably consists of social media and coffee.
With maybe a couple of hours of housework.
Hardly slavery.

There really should not be that much to do housework wise at the weekends.

Unless she is obsessive about it. Which she might be to fill her day.

I think she's spoilt.
Not the worst thing and she doesn't deserve to be miserable forever if she is, but, honestly she's got to grow up.

Accept her very cushy life or leave.

It'll be tough because even if he is generous, her lifestyle will be nowhere near as good as before, but that's life.

How is she supposed to put the children into childcare in order to get a job and earn if she has no access to money to do that? Regardless she needs to train first and earn a decent salary.

Hilarious how you know what her life involves. i bet you don't have children 😂

Speak to women’s aid. He is financially abusing you if you have to account for all your spending.

She has time to retrain. She just has to wait till the youngest goes to school.

What was your degree in, not many degrees go out of date after just a few years

That’s not true, sure no spousal maintenance much anymore, but (at least) half the house and (see McCartney/Mills) an understanding that the children’s lives in each parental home should be broadly similar. Also cohabitation prior to marriage is included when assessing length of marriage.

It may or may not be what's being described, but while as ever it's not possible it would be interesting to hear the partner's account of all this

In any case, even if the man's a complete pig he's a pig who's very much been given the whip hand here, and as mentioned before OP would be wise to be careful if she wishes to keep that roof over her head

That is certainly an option although even then she would need to be able to pay for before/after school care.

How much do you spend a month on yourself and children I think this might give a better insight into the set up you have.

Why is before and after school care necessary to retrain? There must be online courses she can do between the school runs. She can also study after the children are in bed.

If I read comments correctly you have a five year old and a two year old. Surely the 5 year old is now at school full time, could you not put the two year old in full time nursery, get a job and start saving so you can make an exit plan?

How do you know he’s working 40 hours a week, it could be double that? I’ve been a SAHM for 3 young children, as tough as it is it’s not 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week? There’s plenty of downtime and I find it more enjoyable than a high pressure job. Different perspectives

The government plans to give 16 year olds the vote yet 21 is practically a child?

Oh, he’d say he’s a wonderful loving husband and provider and that she has everything a woman could wish for and she’s lazy.

Just like all men who don’t lift a finger with their own children. Who don’t notice their wives are meant to be more than cook, cleaner, nanny and their own comforter.

He’ll be truly shocked and devastated if she can actually find a way out of there. He will think he’s the victim even though surely she’s told him she’s unhappy and struggling.

Course it's possible, online training when kids are in bed, daytime in education settings using a nursery to cover time when needed in school. Many people with you g kids retrain

You can't train to be a pharmacist or many other professional careers via online courses.

She can get a job without ‘training’ for one. It won’t be a great job but she has the ability to earn money if she wants to.