How to leave DP when I’m a SAHM.

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SAHM. Two children under the age of 5.

My partner does nothing other than work and pay for everything.

I do 100% of the childcare and housework, even at weekends. Anytime I ask for help with anything around the house, it’s met with huffing and puffing and although it’s never been said out loud, I know he expects that this is my job as he goes to work. I genuinely mean that I do 100% of everything house and child related.

I am completely fed up of this.

I had our first DC right after finishing university (there is an 19 year age gap between us). Unfortunately I am no longer qualified to go back into what I trained as, and would need to start back from the beginning with a new career. However I have no time to train in anything as I do 100% of the childcare. DP will not pay for any childcare nor would he reduce his house to help with this.

I would like to make a plan to leave but I’m stuck. We are not married. Looking for ideas and advice on my next steps.

Just checking Op, are you married?

No

I would like to make a plan to leave but I’m stuck. We are not married. Looking for ideas and advice on my next steps.

👆👆

Are you in the UK OP?

Yes.

Do you have savings? Joint finances? What's your living arrangements- mortgage, renting? Are you named on mortgage and house deeds?
What did you agree re: finances childcare/chore split before you had kids?

So one child is at school and the 2 year old goes to nursery?

What was your degree & original plan for a career?

No savings.
He controls all bills.
Mortgage in his name.

We agreed that I would be a SAHM.

One is at school part time. One is with me, not in nursery.

Do you own a house between you-joint names?

Why are you not married?
If your leaving plans are not immediate, but more like "one day", would it make sense to get married (quietly and cheaply) now, so you get to better position?

It’s in his name.

I have never had a full time job. He is a high earner.

Have you any family?
Whose idea was it to have a family?
Do you feel controlled, targeted?
Do you feel you have free will in all of this?
Do you know what Coercive control is?
Read up about it.

Reach out to family and Women's aid or Domestic abuse charities near you for advice and help.

Did you want children this young, if so, why?

My post overlaps this.

You are unfortunately in a very vulnerable position.

You will need to get a job, use childcare and claim UC.

So you are not on the deeds of the house .. you have left yourself massively vulnerable by not being married and becoming a sham. At least you have woken up now .. leave , he will have to pay maintenance. If will be tough but better to start over when you are young and have time than in 20 years and have literally nothing to show for it. You will need to get back to work asap

That’s a shitty thing to do and won’t make much odds to OPs position. She’ll be entitled to child maintenance so it won’t really change her situation anyway.

Could you move back in with your parents or could they help you to secure accommodation by being a guarantor or helping you out financially? Go and speak to the CAB about what benefits, grants or other help you would be entitled to as a LP with two DC. If you leave your DH he will, at least in theory, need to support the DC, but there are many men who figure out a way to wheedle their way out of doing this. There are though many lone parents out there who get by on benefits.

Your children will (or maybe are already in) school / nursery, can you find time there to retrain.

From what you have said you had a child straight out of Uni, that child is 4, so you are only 4 years out from qualification, there must be a pathway to retaking / upgrading your qualifications.

Assume you are 25 or thereabouts? Are the children is school/free childcare?

Realistically your options are to claim child maintenance & benefits and see if you can rent a house whilst trying to establish an income. It will be a challenging few years but many single parents succeed.

Another alternative is to move to family so you have perhaps low/no rent. As you are not married the financial obligations will be child maintenance.

Can I ask how you met him? As a mum to a young adult I would be horrified if my daughter was with a man nearly twice her age

So you had a baby when you were 21 and he was 40? Such a large age gap rings massive alarm bells with me.

What is your housing situation? If you own your own home, are you on the deeds? Do you have access to money or do you have to ask him for money?

You are in a very precarious and possibly dangerous situation. As you aren't married, you won't be entitled to any of his assets. He will need to pay you maintenance for the children but I would imagine that he would be very difficult about this and will look for ways to avoid this.

Do you have a good relationship with your family. Could they help you to leave him?

ETA that you have confirmed that the house is in his name so it is solely his asset that you aren't entitled to. You need to consult a solicitor urgently to see exactly what your rights are.

What were your career plans?

You will need to get a job and put the children in childcare. Then you can save a deposit for a rental house.

What did you train as and how are you no longer qualified in this after just 4 years?

Try and make a go of it OP even if you need some relationship counselling.
Too many people are just walking away. Your life won't necessarily be better or easier.

You're in a tricky situation, and I'm sorry. Being unmarried and not having invested in your career has left you vulnerable. I imagine your h arranged this deliberately to control you.

What's on your side is that you're still young. Staying with him is not going to make anything better. You don't want a life that looks like this.

What access to money do you have? Can you get evidence of his income? You'll need that to ensure he pays fair maintenance for the dc. Do you have any family who would help you out in the long run?

I think the first step would be a family solicitor. You might be able to stay in the house until the dc are 18. Getting a job might be tricky but it isn't hopeless, there will be things you can do.

Imagine how wonderful it will feel to be away from him and independent!

not really. She would be entitled to half the house and assets - feel zero sympathy for him , 20 years older he knew exactly what he was doing. Made her completely vulnerable and dependent on him. He’s no prince