How to leave DP when I’m a SAHM.

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SAHM. Two children under the age of 5.

My partner does nothing other than work and pay for everything.

I do 100% of the childcare and housework, even at weekends. Anytime I ask for help with anything around the house, it’s met with huffing and puffing and although it’s never been said out loud, I know he expects that this is my job as he goes to work. I genuinely mean that I do 100% of everything house and child related.

I am completely fed up of this.

I had our first DC right after finishing university (there is an 19 year age gap between us). Unfortunately I am no longer qualified to go back into what I trained as, and would need to start back from the beginning with a new career. However I have no time to train in anything as I do 100% of the childcare. DP will not pay for any childcare nor would he reduce his house to help with this.

I would like to make a plan to leave but I’m stuck. We are not married. Looking for ideas and advice on my next steps.

She doesn't work 24/7, no one does, no one works whilst asleep

Agreed. I'd say the thread has shown up on a reddit sub somewhere and all the incels have decided to contribute, ring led by the diamond guy. I wish mumsnet had a way of analysing such posting.

To be honest though - it's very interesting to see the level of hatred poured out at women who have the audacity to call out coercive and controlling male behaviour. It turns out it's absolutely ok for a man to withhold resources from women because the men work and parenting isn't work. It's also completely ok to have ones partner so desperate to leave they have to squirell away ten pounds here and there when the family income is 14k a month.

I feel so sorry for the OP. It's so easy to make bad choices when you are young, especially with some rich older creep actively trying to trap you. Then you turn around and can't see a way out. I feel so lucky to have married an actual decent man. I know he would be horrified at the idea of the mother of his children feeling like this.

She has access to the joint account. She needs to sit her other half down and tell him kids will have childcare whilst she retrains so she is ready to start work when kids are at school.

A minimum wage job probably won't cover nursery costs and there will be no career progression. And she will still be doing all the childcare in the evenings and weekends. Not much of a life. Any man who wouldn't support her to get a professional career is not worth staying with.

It is scientific fact that the human brain is still developing at that point. 21 is not a child, but it is a young adult.

It makes no difference in this case, though. Any woman could find herself in this situation. Controlling, abusive men never tell you prior to marriage that they plan to control and isolate you.

I do have children though they're grown up now.

I'm just struggling to see where all this housework comes from.
I'm trying to be fair to her here.
It's easy to get into a rut and nobody deserves to be miserable forever if they've made mistakes but telling her she is literally a slave is ridiculous.

It really is. Just stop it ffs.

Are you a man?

It comes down to what OP wants doesn’t it.

How much does she want to leave?

What is she prepared to put up with to stay or if she leaves.

I have a child (now an adult child) I was a single parent, always worked full time, housework really doesn't take long if you create a routine/rota. After housework, school activities, etc both myself and my child had down time and a social life.
I fail to see how any SAHM has zero downtime/me time

You really do seem to think housework is a bigger deal than it is?

You also seem to be obsessed with people being male, school children or incels - it’s odd.

If i was her I would be very actively planning to leave although might wait until the youngest starts school.

Just because he looks at statements doesn't mean he stops her spending.
They've got a joint account what financially abusive person allows that? 😕

It's actually very relevant that many of the posters on this thread seem to be incels or school children given that OP is asking for advice.

No. Are you?

Why on earth are people incels or schoolchildren - I think you’re protesting too much…

Truly happy for you that you cannot fathom a situation where you watch must your every move because partner makes life unpleasant otherwise.

Her spouse is treating her like a child rather than an equal partner.

Also, everyone acting like this is normal should recognize that he couldn’t find the round the clock care she provides for his children without paying £30,000 -£45000 pa and then he’d be subject to labor laws. Nannies don’t cook and clean, either so he’d need to hire staff for that, also.

With the exception of those parents who are care for disabled children, which is relentless and very difficult, I 💯 agree with you.

She has young children to care for and housework with young children is never ending. It goes on into the evening with cooking, washing up, laundty, bath and bed time, tidying up. Once home her 'partner' should help.
Going to work is not an excuse to do nothing at home while your partner is run ragged

You need to return to work, use childcare, then you can save up money

Why are people blatantly ignoring the power imbalance of the relationship? A young women barely out of education and a 40 year old man. I don't know about you but I wasn't as clued up as I am now when I was a very young woman, some men took advantage of that.

Im a single working mum now and my life is a millions times easier than when I was with their dad, who earned the money (I had no access) but refused to do anything at home and had extremely high standards of me, running me into the ground. If there's 2 adults in the house both should help once home.

It’s financial abuse when she has no say in how money is spent and is not free to seek put training and education to ensure she is protected in case of relationship breakdown. She has zero financial freedom and is preventing from obtaining any. Absolute abuse.

I have a friend who is a SAHM. Her husband still does about 10% around the home and also pitched in with some childcare. Most importantly big financial decisions are shared, he does not get to decide what is spent and what is not. He does not scrutinise what she has purchased and has never prevented her seeking further development (which she did, she trained as a TEFL teacher) and did not stop her eventually doing part-time work as a teaching assistant. That’s a true partnership. OP is not in a true partnership.

I think you also fail to be aware of the paralysis that comes along with being in a controlling relationship. It drains time, energy and creativity and is very isolating.

Men who control like this also tend to have incredibly high expectations around housekeeping. If you haven’t been there, it’s impossible to even imagine.

How will that change anything? If all her earnings go on childcare she cannot save. And if she is still doing work, and all housework plus all childcare in the evenings and weekends she cannot retrain / do further study.