How to leave DP when I’m a SAHM.

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SAHM. Two children under the age of 5.

My partner does nothing other than work and pay for everything.

I do 100% of the childcare and housework, even at weekends. Anytime I ask for help with anything around the house, it’s met with huffing and puffing and although it’s never been said out loud, I know he expects that this is my job as he goes to work. I genuinely mean that I do 100% of everything house and child related.

I am completely fed up of this.

I had our first DC right after finishing university (there is an 19 year age gap between us). Unfortunately I am no longer qualified to go back into what I trained as, and would need to start back from the beginning with a new career. However I have no time to train in anything as I do 100% of the childcare. DP will not pay for any childcare nor would he reduce his house to help with this.

I would like to make a plan to leave but I’m stuck. We are not married. Looking for ideas and advice on my next steps.

@FourSevenFour Quote: “Shitty and potentially manipulative is the DP here, getting very young women half his age pregnant without any security and turning her into a maid.”

I’m sure the OP had a CHOICE!!!

Hi OP. I left a relationship whilst being a SAHM with two young children.

It wasn’t easy but I managed to save a small pot of money (about £5k) with which I would be able to put down a deposit on a rental house and buy some second hand furniture. To secure the rental with no job I needed to pay 6 months rent up front.

i used the entitled to website someone linked to above and applied for benefits. Got enough to live on including housing benefit.

Once both my children were at school, I got a job and retrained in a new career.

Now my kids are older teens. I’m about to buy my own house. I have a well paid job that I love and I am paying plenty back into the tax system - a system that supported me when I needed it.

It wasn’t easy getting a place to live when I had no job but I did manage it.

If you have no access to a bit of money to start you off like I had, could you consider applying for council housing?

What did you train for, you're only a few years out of uni, surely you can still do your vocation in some form.

Have told him how unsupported you feel, that it's making you consider if you want to carry on a relationship with him etc. Do you still love each other. Maybe he needs a wake up call, even if it just gets it through a few years.
Maybe you can both turn it around.

Let this be a lesson to anyone reading who might choose to be a SAHM not to end up in this position.

Never, ever, ever give over your financial control to a man. You have no independence, no agency, no control, no pension and no way to get any of these things .

Sacrifice your career and be a SAHM if that's your choice, but for the love of God, before you do, make sure you have a watertight financial agreement in place that includes a share of his income, your name on the mortgage and a private pension in place which he pays into.

If he refuses, no marriage, no kids. Find someone who will.

I would actually speak to women’s aid. They might be able to support you in where to go next, & understand the dynamics of relationships like this.

Does he give you money weekly could you save some of this .
I know this won’t help you now but anyone else that is a SAHM.
you really need to have savings, ideally be married and have your name on any property .
You need to do this to protect yourself and I say this as a full time housewife . Been with my husband 23 years and very much in love . But you need to protect yourself and your husband should understand that .

By that logic she is also sponging and using him as a cash cow.

Each of them are only doing one type of parenting. He is providing and she is caring. Both are needed equally by children therefore both are equally as valuable.

If it’s fair to complain that he doesn’t do any caring then it is also fair to complain that she doesn’t do any providing.

She’s not an unpaid maid either.

They made an agreement. She’s the SAHM, he works.

If OP doesn’t want to be a housewife she can get a job and put the children in childcare.

Well he’s got you right where he wants, hasn’t he.

You need to get a job, could you go back to pick up your training where it was, maybe with a repeat year.

are you at least on long-term contraception?

have you said the arrangement is not longer working for you and needs to change.

there is an 19 year age gap between us
He is a high earner.

Well as predictable as all that was, these situations always go the same way.
Always.

My partner does nothing but childcare and looking after the home. I work full time, earn all the money, pay all the bills. I pay the mortgage. I'm the one saving for our pension. When I get home after a hard day he's nagging me constantly to do stuff around the house, cook dinner, do the laundry, put the kids to bed. When do I get a moment to myself? The deal was, he'd take care of the home front and I'd look after the work/financial front. Why is he constantly trying to renege on this arrangement?

The poster meant if they married she’d be entitled to half

Did he huff and puff after the first child?

Not after being married to him for five minutes she wouldn't be.

Do you have family who can support you whilst you claim CMS, benefits etc and get yourself back into work? There is loads of free training out there, it depends what you want to do.

I was a lone parent for a long time, after having a baby, not working and being in an abusive relationship. I did it, you can too!

Yes it will, she will be entitled to 50:50 of marital assets!

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

Not read whole thread but I’m sure you have had lots of comments about how unwise it was to be a sahm unmarried. I’ve put CAB link on which is a clear explanation of cohabitation rights.
He has obligations towards his children but no obligations to you legally.
You have no rights to house you are an invited guest. I’d prioritise sorting housing as if you say you are leaving him he can just ask you to leave. You don’t want to be in a position where you have to leave your children as he can house them and you can’t.
Can you stay with family? Try and save a rental deposit by selling jewellery or using some housekeeping money.
If he doesn’t want 50/50 care of the children you’ll be entitled to child support if you have the children more.
You only left uni in last few years. I’d apply for ft jobs asap.

@ThePM Quote: “Well he’s got you right where he wants, hasn’t he.”

The OP CHOSE to be with her partner and have children!!!

The agreement is profoundly asymmetric: OP is increasingly financially insecure with fewer years to accrue pension and savings, and with an increasingly larger gap.
she has indicated his willingness to make her getting a job difficult and no doubt will escalate into active sabotage.
It is not equal or equitable, and you are disgrace to suggest it is fine and dandy. She is on a motorway route to poverty from the time her kids are teenagers.

Agree totally…yet here we are. Time and time again on this site you read of women in the same situation. I cannot get my head around it. Okay , maybe the kids weren’t planned etc but Im not talking about that. Im talking about the conscious decision to put your whole life in someone else’s hands, despite all the information thats available to you that makes it obvious this is an irresponsible thing to do.

She was straight out of Uni with a much older man. I guess looking back OP will wonder if she truly understood the dynamic.

Start looking for a job OP, child goes to nursery and he pays the fees. Don’t tell him immediately what your plan is (to leave) but start setting yourself uo for independence first. You will get cms from him if he can’t manage 50/50 childcare. Do you have any savings? Can you claim child benefit and save it for yourself or does he earn too much ?

"All" he does is work and pay for everything? Okay.. I get you haven't ever had a job so your attitude on this is understandable.

Having a full-time job is much more difficult and stressful than being a sahm. It just is. Objectively. He is entitled to enjoy his weekends and I agree that sahm's should be doing their job of managing the household and raising the children. It's a fair split. That's not to diminish the challenges of running a household and looking after kids but they will be at school soon, if not already, so your job will get much easier.

However, that doesn't mean he shouldn't clean up after any mess he makes or refuse to do something simple like making the bed at the weekend or make his own food at the weekend.

But during the week and general chores? Yes, you should absolutely be responsible for those. Imagine working and knowing you are supporting another person who never has to work and they complain they have to do chores or cook meals. If you have changed your mind about your roles then fair enough. See if you can stay with family and then seek child support. You can always study long distance or sign up for an apprenticeship.

By the way, you may well have beneficial interest in the house regardless of whose name it's in and regardless of who pays the mortgage. Seek legal advice on that.

Because he has realised it isn’t equitable? Is he beholden to suiting your plans for the rest of his life because that what you want, even though it is destructive to him?

Unmarried SAH- parents of either sex are extremely financially vulnerable. If the partner wants that it is a massive red-flag.

Probably!! But the OP made the choice, and she decided not to have a career and instead she became a SAHM!!