How to leave DP when I’m a SAHM.

[Optionsneeded]

SAHM. Two children under the age of 5.

My partner does nothing other than work and pay for everything.

I do 100% of the childcare and housework, even at weekends. Anytime I ask for help with anything around the house, it’s met with huffing and puffing and although it’s never been said out loud, I know he expects that this is my job as he goes to work. I genuinely mean that I do 100% of everything house and child related.

I am completely fed up of this.

I had our first DC right after finishing university (there is an 19 year age gap between us). Unfortunately I am no longer qualified to go back into what I trained as, and would need to start back from the beginning with a new career. However I have no time to train in anything as I do 100% of the childcare. DP will not pay for any childcare nor would he reduce his house to help with this.

I would like to make a plan to leave but I’m stuck. We are not married. Looking for ideas and advice on my next steps.

He’s really not using her as an unpaid nanny.

Go to your local council, what’s the housing like there? Here we have bidding system and those with the highest priority get allocated. Given that you’ll be homeless with two young children I imagine you would be housed relatively quickly although there are no guarantees obviously. The mortgage in his name you say? You need to tell the housing people all of this including that your sole carer of the children.

whilst you’re getting back on your feet claim UC, I think if you don’t have to start looking for work as a single parent until your child reaches 3 and even then part time is accepted. Obviously if you can judge childcare full time would make better off.

he would also be liable for child maintenance but man y none resident parents actually pay this so do not rely on it.

Are you in Scotland? There is legislation that protects the more vulnerable party in longer term cohabiting couples (economic disadvantage). Either way, you need advice from a family law solicitor. Can you access money for a consultation?

So she works 24 hours a day 7 days a week and he works 40 hours and doesnt do any parenting of a child he created and thats okay with you is it? This man just not bothering to parent his own child?

On weekends he is.
Plus an unpaid maid.

You need to start planning for a job, child care and housing.
Seek advice if needed like Womens' Aid.

If you choose to be a SAHM, then yes!!! Going out to work full time and having the financial responsibility of supporting a family, is A LOT harder than being SAHM!!!

Work out a claim of UC online as a single parent. See what you're entitled to. It takes around 6 weeks I think to sort.
Contact local council / womens aids that kind of thing and get the ball rolling. Explain your situation & you need to leave but have no money to do so (if you don't have access to money it's classed as financial abuse). Slowly and discreetly over a few days pack a bag for you & your children so when the time comes, you can grab it and go. Clothes, nappies, wipes, toiletries, medicines, passports, birth certificates, childrens red books.
My mum left with the clothes on our backs and 1 set of pjs each.

You're entitled to nothing other than CMS, unfortunately.

Its really not.

Im a single working parent, and the sole provider for my family.

Going to work where you get a lunch break is a hell of a lot easier than looking after kids all day. And i work for the NHS.

@Thundertoast We ONLY have OP’s side of this. Obviously he should parent his children, but expecting him to do housework is unreasonable when he’s working full time and she’s at home!!

Maybe he'll change if he knows the OP wants to leave.
Still think it's better to try and work things out .
Splitting up with children,will just bring another set of problems . Up to the OP.

Il ask again:
Its okay by you that a father creates a child and then does no parenting? You think thats a good father, one with a fat wallet who doesnt bother to raise their child?

I think you need to go and see the CAB and/ or call women’s aid.

To me this is clearly a financially abusive relationship - he’s got you at a very young and vulnerable age and it seems deliberately set things up so you are trapped.

However there will hopefully be something you can do to break out of this - if you can be found somewhere to live that would be a start and you could take up a funded nursery place for your youngest and start working.

‘My partner does nothing other than work and pay for everythung’

Hardly nothing then.

I feel very sorry for you as you hard a tough slog ahead of you. You need to start putting a plan in place and that will almost certainly mean working (yes, maybe in a minimum wage job to begin with, though it’s unclear what you were qualified in, that you can no longer do in just four short years?), not being a stay at home mum and supporting yourself.

Well the op is not contributing financially it can work both ways

It's literally there in the Op. Don't people read these things properly?

Hmmm, it depends on the role and the situations. For me, being a SAHM for a period when mine were small was far easier than being a primary school teacher where I had 30 small children to look after and no real lunch break.

This is fairly irrelevant though. The DH isn’t doing nothing and neither is the OP. If the Op wants to leave, her life will change immeasurably and she will have to start working to pay for it.

You can calculate what he’d have to pay via CMS. How many nights a week would he want to have the kids (if he was getting a discount). Would he push for 50:50 to avoid paying? Does he earn from conventional employment or his own company?

I agree with you that the man here has been manipulative, but the OP is an adult who has to take some responsibility for the choices she has made.

I also agree that the father has more responsibility to provide for the OP and their children than the taxpayer does, but the proposed new cohabitation law has the potential to harm plenty of women (like me!) to compensate for the naivety of other women who could easily make better choices for themselves.

He should obviously want to parent his children. But coming home from work and expecting to do housework etc is NOT okay. Full time work and having ALL the financial responsibility is stressful!! We don’t know if he works weekends.

Financial contributions are important and should be recognised, noones saying that, but this is a seperate issue - there is a child missing out here. Dont you think its sad that they could have that and dont because dad does his 40 hours of work and considers his contribution to the family complete?

So you agreed

1. he'd earn the money and pay the bills
2. You'd have (2?) kids and be a SAHM

In 5 years presumably the kids will be at school and you'll have fewer responsibilities and then still be a SAHM ??

But now you wish you hadn't made that agreement?

How do you think things would improve if you left?

You'd have 2 kids to look after
No house paid for
Some maintenance coming in
Have to juggle a job and looking after the kids

So you resent him not helping more - fair enough - but I dont see how leaving helps you

Laughing at the suggestions of marrying him so OP can get half of the assets.

It doesn't work like that in the real world and even if he was stupid enough to marry OP, she couldn't immediately divorce him and swan off with half the assets as it would need to be considered a long marriage.

OP is young, she'll have to support herself.

@Optionsneeded Tell him you want to get married. You should have married before agreeing to be a sahm but that train has gone. Your life will soon get easier when they are in school- then you can think about career path/ if you want to leave etc. But get married NOW.