How to leave DP when I’m a SAHM.

[Optionsneeded]

SAHM. Two children under the age of 5.

My partner does nothing other than work and pay for everything.

I do 100% of the childcare and housework, even at weekends. Anytime I ask for help with anything around the house, it’s met with huffing and puffing and although it’s never been said out loud, I know he expects that this is my job as he goes to work. I genuinely mean that I do 100% of everything house and child related.

I am completely fed up of this.

I had our first DC right after finishing university (there is an 19 year age gap between us). Unfortunately I am no longer qualified to go back into what I trained as, and would need to start back from the beginning with a new career. However I have no time to train in anything as I do 100% of the childcare. DP will not pay for any childcare nor would he reduce his house to help with this.

I would like to make a plan to leave but I’m stuck. We are not married. Looking for ideas and advice on my next steps.

Someone posts this kind of nonsense on every one of these threads.

How is she meant to pay a bill when he prevents her from working, please explain?

There’s a huge jump to assuming the op’s do is a controlling monster that took advantage of- I have friends who are long term married to men who were twenty ears older who are still the love of their lives.

op I think there’s a lot you need to think about- did you ever love each other? Do you like him now? Could this all be the exhaustion- with the kids that she it’s so full on. What would he do if you said you were done- is there any reality where he’d find a compromise?

If not do you have family you can go to? Do you have people who can help you with childcare? Can you start taking money out so you have something to start with? Someone said you won’t be able to train due to money and I disagree with this, you can start teaching yourself things to help get you back closer to your career choice or to reskill x

Where does it say preventing please

Unfortunately you’ve made yourself very vulnerable by not getting married and not being on the feeds of the house.

You may want to speak to women’s aid - your relationship does sound as though it had abusive elements if you’ve no access to money at all.

You won’t be entitled to anything except benefits and if you leave with the children I imagine you’ll be in a hostel or similar for a while until you get a place of your own. You would likely have to present to the council as homeless if you have nowhere else to go.

You would get some sort of financial support from benefits though so at least you’d have that.

Get yourself to a solicitor. Whilst it is incredibly stupid to have children without marriage if you are the economically weaker party , leaving you with no entitlement to anything other than maintenance - he still has an obligation to house your children under schedule 1 of the children’s act . That at least could help with costs unless he insists on 50/50 which it doesn’t sound like he would.

Without the protection of marriage??
He is an awful person. He is two decades older, grabbed you right out of university, got you trapped and vulnerable with no career and no financial protection. If you ever waver, remember this is not the action of a good person.

DP will not pay for any childcare nor would he reduce his house to help with this

How is OP meant to work and do childcare? You dont think he can hold down a job and do childcare even when hes not working, yet you think OP can do both at the same time? How does that work?

His take home pay is approx £14,000 per month.

It’s a pretty rubbish position to be in, but you have time and age on your side! It’s going to be hard, but 100% worth the effort and you will have much to be proud of.
Where could you live? Any family who would help?Could you live near family?
What job or career appeals to you? Start looking and thinking about retraining. ASAP. You need an income. You’ll get some maintenance money but have no right to the house or partners savings.

I actually think it’s fine to be dependent on someone, but only if they’re reliable. Reliable is marriage, joint mortgage, pension in your name, savings in your name, shares home responsibilities, shared career opportunities if desired. Because of the age difference when you got together, it’s very clear he’s taken advantage of you and your trusting nature. It’s all a smoke screen and he’s given zero commitment.

No I wouldn’t.

Just get a job and walk out thr door. Of course he will pay for childcare

Amazing, just neglect your children, what a wonderful idea 🙄

It’s pretty disgusting that people are suggesting get married just to take his assets! Have some self respect and earn your own!

having children does not prevent that.

Off course she can change her mind. I think more and more SAHM’s are being unreasonable. Obviously a father should want to help parent his children.

Only read the op's posts so sorry if someone has already suggested this.
Do you do the food shop?
If so every time you do request some cash back and stay squirreling it away, it builds up quite quickly.

He has his own company.

If you want to find excuses you will

And then when he checks hisbank statements you say....? What? The checkout lady's finger slipped?

He hasn’t ever used our vacuum, put something into our dishwasher, taken the bins out, bathed our children, cooked our children a meal, changed the sheets, attended a kids medical appointment, tidied up our children’s toys. Do you honestly think that is ok?

The set up of your relationship rings alarm bells, and it sounds like he’s financially abusing you and has you completely trapped. Might be worth taking to Women’s Aid about what your options are and including if you can get free legal advice from somewhere.

I would say in your situation you might need to bide your time and work towards independence I.e. get a job and childcare, but if he would block all of that I think you need to get some help to get out of this.

You have no option but to go back to work. TBH you are in the situation that mirrors the lot of previous generations. No money, no options.

If it’s a limited company you’re in an even more precarious position. What about the other questions?

Honestly the first thing you need to do is get a job, any job, and look for childcare.

Well that I agree with, you've done an incredible job making excuses for this man's controlling behaviour.

OP has been stupid, many of us are in our early 20s. I dont agree with her choices at all, but the point is she wants to work and she wants to leave, and he is making that very difficult for her. The fact that you think her only way to work is to get a job, then wake up before her husband, every day, and sneak out the house so that he has no option but to sort childcare, only highlights this. If he was a good man or sick of being her "money pig", he'd be working with her.