Who's in the wrong here?

[Whyohwhy1974]

My 20 year old niece is staying with me. She's lovely, no bother and a good house guest. Ive seen her through thick and thin in the last few uears. Life is tough for me at the mo. I'm stressed beyond anything I've felt before and not coping at all. I feel close to burnout and on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Seriously sleep deprived. Didnt sleep for 48 hours and then got 4 hours the mext night. Niece went on a night out. Said she'd be back around 11. Didn't take a key, said I'd wait up for her. Got a text at 11.30 saying she'd be back at 1am. She arrived at 1.30pm. I was deranged with exhaustion. I was curt with her but didn't want to bite, so said I was exhausted and went straight to bed. She was snarky with me but I didn't bite. We were meant to be up and out early the next day on a trip out. I was up at 6am, so only got another 4 hours sleep. She came downstairs around 9am and said are you OK. I said no, I was exhausted. That's literally all I said, albeit in a frustrated tone. She burst in to tears and fled upstairs. She came back downstairs and said she was leaving. I said fine, do what you want. More tears. 10 minutes later, she'd packed and gone, saying it wasn't what she wanted but was giving me space.
So it all got very quickly out of hand and we haven't spoken since. She knows I'm not coping with life right now. I also said absolutely nothing to her other than I'm exhausted and I get tears and flouncing.
So am I the twat? Should I just be upbeat and smiley and suck it up and not react to her keeping me up til 1.30am. Or is she out of line?

I will never understand how there’s so many posts on MN around people leaving their house without a key (not forgotten but planning to not take a key). Who over the age of about 14 walks about without a key to their own home?!?

Oh I feel a bit sorry for her. It’s not her fault that you can’t sleep if she’s not back. It’s not her fault you wouldn’t or didn’t think of giving her a key.

its not her fault that you have caring responsibilities that mean that you couldn’t sleep once she said she’d be back later.

she’s 20. She was having an unexpectedly good time- maybe she met a boy, maybe her song came on… now you’ve made her feel disproportionately guilty for being young and making a snap decision to stay out a bit later.

It reads like you were struggling and you took it out on her. You would have been awake anyway due to your caring responsibilities and you could have left a key for her if you wee able to sleep. She’s twenty she doesn’t really get what you are going through and has no concept of how exhausted you feel. It’s understandable you snapped but she didn’t really do anything wrong. I’d say it’s on you to make it right with an apology.

We still don't know why she didn't take a key.

I think your relative needs extra help because by the sounds of it…. It’s way too much for at home care by one person

The crisis phase is over. Things are starting to settle. It's not an older person needing ongoing care (been there, done that, twice).

Good grief. There's no huge reveal. She only stays periodically. When she does, she sometimes goes out, she sometimes doesn't. So she doesn't have her own key as she's not here often enough. She was due back at 11 ish. Neither of us thought for her to take one. It's as simple as that. If I had a time machine, I'd go back and she could take a key out with her but I don't.

I wouldn't have been up anyway. Yes, I would have until 11 but not til 1.30am. I was delayed going to bed as there was a bed wetting accident I had to deal with.

why are arguing about this OP? It seems like such a waste of time. You are absolutely adamant that it’s 100% on your niece. And have been from the very outset. So either wait for her to apologise (unlikely as she sounds a very childish madam) or you apologise and then focus on getting extra help for this relative!

I think you're getting a lot of flack on here Op.

She's 20 for goodness sake yet somehow that excuses her thoughtlessness as if she's a young child & shouldn't know any better?

So little is expected of young adults today!

When she texted at 11.30 why couldn't that have been to say sorry she was late & she would stay with a friend as she was planner on being out longer still?

Why is there no carer?

The crisis phase is when you needed care.

Exactly. There are worse crimes than being young and a bit thoughtless.

And if we didn’t have burning martyr here, it would have passed without major drama.

But she did let you know she was going to be later, which was your opportunity

• to say : "oh please come home as I need to go to bed, (or stay with a friend)"
• to put a key out somewhere
• to go to bed and have her phone you to let her in

Waiting up resentfully was your worst option.

I've not read the full thread but honestly @Whyohwhy1974 I think your niece was feeling a bit guilty when she came down as she knows she'd put you out a bit and that's why she's flounced off

If it's in you I would text her and say you were sorry you snapped, you'd not had sleep due to the care duties and you are very tired. Someone somewhere has to smooth this over, even if they are not at fault

I don't think that's fair. I've said repeatedly that I was curt with her. I totally accept that my tone was far from ideal.

She had the option of staying with a friend overnight but she didn't want to. She wanted to come back here.

In which case, you should have said "you'll have to stay at Lucy's if you're going to be that time" when she let you know she was going to be later.

It's OK to have boundaries and say no.

Being all resentful when you don't say no is on you.

Firstly OP, I think you need to give yourself a break. It's unfortunate how you reacted to your niece, but you were exhausted and stressed, and these things happen when we're low on resilience both physically and mentally.

You say you're disappointed that your niece behaved the way she did, and that's understandable, but perhaps she had no concept of how you were struggling at the time, so she was unaware of how much her actions had impacted you. She's acted a bit selfishly by staying out late then flouncing off, but she's probably confused by your reaction (which is out of the norm in your relationship?) but also maybe a little embarrassed by her behaviour too and not sure what to do.

It might be a good idea to give it a couple more days, to give you an opportunity to recover and get some sleep under your belt, then perhaps reach out to her for a chat or meet up to clear the air. You both did things you probably regret, and it would be a great shame if you both allowed your relationship to damaged by what was essentially just a basic lack of communication between you.

This.

It’s also ok to say: I need to be asleep by 10 due to fatigue, so Lucy would be a better option in this case.

Or: If you want to stay here you’d need to be back by 10 or take a key.

Or text: it’s past 11.30, I’m going to bed, key is in the flowerpot.

I think you were hoping she was going to offer to support you emotionally in some way and then got annoyed when she didnt. Are u asking the right people for support

OP I am not sure exactly what you want from this thread because when people talk about boundaries you disagree with them. When people suggest getting some help for you with your caring responsibilities you say it's not necessary.

People are suggesting lots of things that might help/explain why this has happened and you are shooting them all down.

So what do you want people to say?

It's unreasonable to expect the person who is kindly having you to stay with them to wait up until 1.30am, unless it's agreed in advance. And it must have been obvious that the OP was, at the very least, tired. It's not a shooting offence, but it is selfish. Being 20 doesn't change that.

It's also on OP to say when something is not OK with her.

Her niece let her know she was going to be staying out longer than first thought - OP didn't have to go along with yet yet seethe about it.

She could have said "no, sorry you need to come back, I'm too tired to wait up" or "no, sorry you'll need to stay with your mate after all in that case as I'm too tired to wait up".

It wasn't like the niece just stayed out longer so OP didn't know what to do or be worried. She knew what was happening and chose to wait up angrily.

She had nothing with her and she didn't want to stay in someone else's bed (for the same reason many women prefer to be at home at certain times).