Who's in the wrong here?

[Whyohwhy1974]

My 20 year old niece is staying with me. She's lovely, no bother and a good house guest. Ive seen her through thick and thin in the last few uears. Life is tough for me at the mo. I'm stressed beyond anything I've felt before and not coping at all. I feel close to burnout and on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Seriously sleep deprived. Didnt sleep for 48 hours and then got 4 hours the mext night. Niece went on a night out. Said she'd be back around 11. Didn't take a key, said I'd wait up for her. Got a text at 11.30 saying she'd be back at 1am. She arrived at 1.30pm. I was deranged with exhaustion. I was curt with her but didn't want to bite, so said I was exhausted and went straight to bed. She was snarky with me but I didn't bite. We were meant to be up and out early the next day on a trip out. I was up at 6am, so only got another 4 hours sleep. She came downstairs around 9am and said are you OK. I said no, I was exhausted. That's literally all I said, albeit in a frustrated tone. She burst in to tears and fled upstairs. She came back downstairs and said she was leaving. I said fine, do what you want. More tears. 10 minutes later, she'd packed and gone, saying it wasn't what she wanted but was giving me space.
So it all got very quickly out of hand and we haven't spoken since. She knows I'm not coping with life right now. I also said absolutely nothing to her other than I'm exhausted and I get tears and flouncing.
So am I the twat? Should I just be upbeat and smiley and suck it up and not react to her keeping me up til 1.30am. Or is she out of line?

* I was deranged with exhaustion.*

you say it had been life or death
you hadn’t slept for 48 hours
then had 4 hours sleep
but think that it was going to massively improve

hell yes I’d say that was optimistic

Oh. My. Good. God.

That is what I meant
she will never stay with you again?

Get some sleep @Whyohwhy1974

The story is getting very muddled

I am beginning to understand why your niece reacted as she did.....

20 year old ADULT staying in someone else’s house expecting them to wait up for them and then when they were already late messaging that they would be back at 1pm is ENTITLED and RUDE and disrespectful!!! She should have stayed elsewhere rather than have her host inconvenienced and then to be rude and snarky when she came in instead of apologetic and also then sleeping in and coming and having a strop at her host was even more RUDE!!! Op shouldn’t be apologising to her niece the entitled adult should be apologising to HER!! Think you’ve seen the actual real person op unfortunately and she’s had the wool pulled over your eyes thinking she is such a nice quiet well mannered person before

Its rather obvious that you are deeply disappointed that your niece and her mother and other family members have not so much as inquired how they could belp and you are exhausted with solo caregiving. You either know no one will help or you haven’t asked and are wishing angrily that someone will notice you ate drowning and offer support. Your niece didn’t realize that you were wishing she would hang out with you/spell you/notice you and you lashed out verbally. Try to get more help. You will alienate yourself from people you love by being so passive aggressive.

Bottom line is that it’s not a sensible time to host any guest when you’re on the verge of a breakdown from caring for someone.

If a young person does what young people - be a bit thoughtless on a night out, lose track of time, stumble home late and drunk, that’s not outside the bounds of expectations.

There are so many things you could have done - ask her to stay with a friend, give her a key, even when she texted you to say she’d be late you could have asked her to stay elsewhere or left a key outside for her.

Just take responsibility for your choices, accept that your behaviour was suboptimal as well as hers, be the bigger person and apologise. I’m sure she will apologise in kind. And most of all stop wasting energy justifying yourself online.

I’m with you @Whyohwhy1974 she sounds a bit immature and she should be a bit more understanding and respectful.

I think this was on you. Why would you wait up for someone who is that age? Why doesn’t she have a key?

I d reach out.
It not so much her pretty normal behaviour for a young person, it's more you"re sleep deprived and stressed. But don't let that get in the way😁...reach out and mend things.
In essence she sound like a lovely person.

I am guessing this isn’t the first time you have had tension over something. You are both in the wrong. Her for not taking a key and you for not telling her to take a key. Why on gods earth do you need to commit to stay up to let her in? Especially if you are exhausted as you say.

I can see OPs frustration here, a lot of questions are being asked that she’s already answered more than once.

You’re both wrong but you more so. Sounds like it wasn’t the best time for you to have guests. Hug it out! You can move past this and communicate better in the future.

If someone is staying the house you should probably give them a key.

Well, I’d be livid and looking for an apology from her. Is she normally more considerate? Because changing the time then being even later was extremely inconsiderate and selfish of her. Obviously you’d be cross.

But going forward, learn these words: “That doesn’t work for me.”

So it’s:
Her: ”I’m going to be later.”
You: “That doesn’t work for me. I desperately need sleep and it’s not safe to leave the door unlocked. You can come get a key and go back out, though.”

I think I’d leave this for now. You’ve done so much for her and the relationship should be strong enough to recover. If not, well if she falls out with you because you were short when she had been terribly rude, then she lacks character and something was eventually bound to happen.

I’m really curious at how the OP was wrong at all? She was a little short when an adult made her stay awake for 2.5 hours behind the time they committed to be back.

Who would be happy with this type of inconsideration?

Alternative perspective, niece knows she messed up, was shocked Auntie had reached the end of her resilience and wasn't all sweetness and light come the morning, ran away because she didn't know how to handle it and is feeling massively guilty for adding to the problem, and now doesn't have the emotional maturity to offer an apology to get things back on track.
Total reach on my part, of course.

She was wrong in the fact she went along with the niece yet resented it, and then was passive aggressive about it.

When niece said she was going to be later than planned, OP should have just said "no, please come back I need sleep" or "no, you'll have to stay with your mate instead".

OP's reason for not doing that is her DN had stuff at her place 🙄 (but she's a young adult who could perfectly well sleep on a mates sofa for a night without a toothbrush and come back in the morning).

I think OP was people-pleasing to her own detriment, but seething about it, which is really unhealthy. If you act like nothing's too much trouble and then boil over, it comes as a nasty shock. Far better to have some boundaries in the first place.

So, have you spoken to her to try and fix things OP?

Given your responses to me, you seemed to want to.

No hierarchy, no respect. Of course she is in the wrong. Your house, you are older, she has been snarky to you in your own house and you are asking who is in the wrong?

HAHA! No “hierarchy, no respect!”

What good does that do OP? She wanted to, snd had, a loving and close relationship with her niece and she has blown it to smithereens by her actions. Her niece left and she doesn’t know how to repair the relationship. She came here to get lots of pats on the back and reassurance that she is right and niece is wrong but that is some cold comfort when she is now estranged from someone she loves.

Would she rather be right? Or happy? That’s the question.

I don’t think it’s easy in the moment when someone presents their plan as a fait accompli.

OP wasn’t passive aggressive, she was quite direct. “I’m exhausted.” Did she need to say “Hey, this was uncool, you know I’m at a breaking point. What the hell were you thinking coming in so late?”

Neice also didn’t call and say “Would you mind if I come back later? I know it means you have to stay up longer.”

She was alluding to the niece needing feminine supplies. Not a toothbrush. I agree being more direct would help but can’t blame her for not being ready to deal with this unexpected change in plans.