Who's in the wrong here?

[Whyohwhy1974]

My 20 year old niece is staying with me. She's lovely, no bother and a good house guest. Ive seen her through thick and thin in the last few uears. Life is tough for me at the mo. I'm stressed beyond anything I've felt before and not coping at all. I feel close to burnout and on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Seriously sleep deprived. Didnt sleep for 48 hours and then got 4 hours the mext night. Niece went on a night out. Said she'd be back around 11. Didn't take a key, said I'd wait up for her. Got a text at 11.30 saying she'd be back at 1am. She arrived at 1.30pm. I was deranged with exhaustion. I was curt with her but didn't want to bite, so said I was exhausted and went straight to bed. She was snarky with me but I didn't bite. We were meant to be up and out early the next day on a trip out. I was up at 6am, so only got another 4 hours sleep. She came downstairs around 9am and said are you OK. I said no, I was exhausted. That's literally all I said, albeit in a frustrated tone. She burst in to tears and fled upstairs. She came back downstairs and said she was leaving. I said fine, do what you want. More tears. 10 minutes later, she'd packed and gone, saying it wasn't what she wanted but was giving me space.
So it all got very quickly out of hand and we haven't spoken since. She knows I'm not coping with life right now. I also said absolutely nothing to her other than I'm exhausted and I get tears and flouncing.
So am I the twat? Should I just be upbeat and smiley and suck it up and not react to her keeping me up til 1.30am. Or is she out of line?

Given the state you describe yourself as being in… sounds as those this relative needs much more extensive help than an at home carer is appropriate for

There are many many posters like me who say that the OP is not in wrong.
Why should she listen to you rather than the majority of people (as per the vote)?

Also I love the position that only the OP is an adukt and that a 20yo should be managed and things smoothed over for her. I have a 20 and 22yo. Both working. I can tell you no one at work will take a soft approach and no one would have a problem with a curt ‘im exhausted’ answer. They would be getting in with it and, as a mother, I’d exiect them to think about why they got a curt answer tbh.
Isn’t that part of normal life?

Not to defend her because reaching those depth of tiredness is awful, I don’t think your niece had any idea of how hard things were/are for you.
Actually I don’t many posters on this thread do either unless they’ve experienced it themselves.

Your niece will have heard exhausted and thought ‘oh yes like when I’m getting up,after a night out’ or ‘when xyz happened and I didn’t sleep very well for 2 nights’. Not the exhaustion you’re describing.
It’s very hard to convey what it actually means. I’ve been tried like this and even when my dcs were babies and not sleeping, I never reached that level of exhaustion.

On that subject, I would assume people haven’t quite grasped how bad it was/is for you.

Only skimmed OP's posts (which include quoting).

OP, last Saturday DS 17 was meant to be staying at a mate's.
At 3.30am I was woken by the light of my phone.
He'd decided to come home, no key, house locked obv.
I let him in, went straight back to bed muttering and very cross.
He apologised profusely the following day (when I was still cross).

His 17 yo brain isn't so unformed it can't work out it did wrong and apologise.

Of course, he doesn't really have anywhere else to go, so no flouncing off anywhere.

Yes, in hindsight you should’ve given her a key but I’m agog at the responses making out the niece to be some precious innocent child who can’t possibly be expected to show a bit of courtesy to her exhausted aunt and will now be spiralling that auntie doesn’t love her because she snappily said she was exhausted. If that’s how the niece is feeling she needs to get a fucking grip! Plenty of people her age live in shared accommodation and have to deal with inter-housemate relationships and difficulties. If they’re flouncing off in tears every time someone’s pissed off over a forgotten key or other annoyance I despair for that generation.

Of course she is in the wrong! She is 20, an adult who can do what she likes, but she agreed to a particular time, then messed you about, and then turns on the waterworks like a toddler. You were doing her a favour, and she's selfish.

There are some people like the OP that will not help themselves and will not do the most logical thing ie don't invite people around when you are exhausted!

And when you tell her not to invite people around she says she didn't invite them around, they asked, which is exactly the same thing but they can't see it!

I have known people like this in real life and I just stop offering them advice because they never listen and they do what they want and they just moan about it!

This could all have been avoided if you’d given her the key.

Perhaps don’t have people to stay if you’re on the verge of a breakdown.

It’s your responsibility not to take on more care than you can cope with. If it’s too much then it’s time for agency care or a care home.

I don't think you were in the wrong OP. She said she'd be back at 11 and was the and a half hours later. I dont think you were passive aggressive and I don't think you were wrong. She's 20, not a child, and should understand you would be annoyed if you got even less sleep because of her.

also, if she comes back, give her a key

Her niece hasn't grasped it because instead of telling her and spelling it out to her like the adult she is, OP has simply acted irritated and hoped that its implied in her tone.

It isnt enough. If life is hard for you and you are stressed then you need to communicate that to the people in your life so they know. Adopting an arsey passive aggressive tone simply isnt enough as we've seen here.

There is nothing here that actual honest communication wont fix but OP is reluctant to do that for some reason so not sure what anyone can say

I think you have a lot on your plate right now and she was being a bit selfish. I don’t think you should have visitors for a while, just focus on resting when you can.

I really feel for you. I can not cope without sleep. I know no one feels great when they are tired, but it really sends me loopy - I can’t think straight, I get tearful, and my nerves are shot.
You sound like you’ve been having a really tough time. I’m wondering if when she asked to stay, you were just in autopilot, because normally she comes to see you, and there’s no problem.
I would look at this as a learning experience - when you are under a lot of pressure, and someone asks to stay/for something extra, really stop and take a moment to consider whether it’s a good idea. There is no shame in telling someone: ‘Sorry, unfortunately, not this time because X. But hopefully we can make up for it, at X date’.
Right now, concentrate on getting lots of rest, and relax, until you feel more your old self. THEN, reach out to her.
It would be lovely if she reached out first, to you, BUT I remember being 20, and I was terrible with stuff like this. It’s not what I would do now(!), but 20 years ago, at your nieces age, I was very inclined to bury my head in the sand, when it came to conflict, as I didn’t know how to restart the conversation!

Get a spare key cut!

OP stop worrying about who's right and wrong and just get over it. Get some sleep, if you have carer burnout then look for solutions that will actually help.
Your niece didnt make you do anything, youve chosen to not give/ leave a key somewhere, make early morning plans whilst staying up late and hosting. She was irresponsible and immature (as 20y olds are) but you also need to manage yourself.

She knew I was. If you'd read my replies, it says as much. She knew all too well.

OP, I understand that you see your niece as an adult and want her to be the 'bigger person' given what a difficult situation you're going through. I get that, and it's not wrong, but just thinking back to what it was like being a twenty year old - I'm not sure most twenty year olds really grasp what that sort of sleep deprivation feels like. Their version of 'tired' is just so far away from the version you experience when older, and that's before genuinely understanding about the stress of the situation.
The fact she left so quickly makes me think she really does think she's doing the right thing by leaving you alone, or has no idea how to fix it other by removing herself from the situation. It does sound like she's a good kid most the time though, and hopefully you can find a way to get back on track.

You’re also now feeling the consequences though for being passive aggressive. You’re already going through a tough time so why let this carry on and add more stress to your plate?

Yep, a pretty spot on view of it all. I don't want her to be the bigger person as such. Just some acknowledgement that she was a out of line. Yes, she's a good kid. I've had some really rough times over the years but for some reason, this has brought me to my knees in a way I've not experienced before. I've aged 10 years in a month. I look like the living dead. I can't pretend.

You are tired and passive aggressive. She is young and dramatic. It's all a bit of a storm in a teacup.

Just be the adult and decide to move forward knowing neither of you were your best selves in the moment

Well she was in the wrong for staying out so late without a key, knowing you were waiting up. But that's young uns for you, isn't it? They're not always thoughtful.
I'd say the dramatics the next morning were as much knowing she was in the wrong and being upset you weren't pleased with her.
She was practically begging you to reassure her that you were OK with her and that you wanted her to stay.
It sounds like there's a lot of love between the two of you, and it seems a shame to be out of sorts with each other. As the older wiser one, I'd reach out. Tell her she's always welcome and that there's no need to pack her bags over a bit of narkiness between you. And to remember to take a key in future!

Nobody is in the right here. In her defence:

• Shes 20. Good people can be thoughtless as fuck in their 20s.
• She kept you informed: she thought to text you telling you she would be back later than planned, and then was only 30 min later than that (quite good if she was on a night out).

Both of you should have shown each other a little more tolerance, both of you had reasons why you didnt do that.

You are obviously close and love each other. You're at the endnof your tether, shes probably feeling wounded that an aunt she loves and trusts (rightfully) snapped at her.

You have a lot more wisdom and experience than her. Put your mind at rest by sending her a long message that explains why you were the way you were, and apologise for snapping. You should expect an apology back from her and a similar level of self reflection.

@Whyohwhy1974 I’m sorry you are going through this. I’ve had my share of sleep deprivation and it messes with everything - hormones, appetite, mood, heart rate. I hope you are snoozing right now.

For when you surface though, can you help clear up the key situation, because I think it does matter to the context.

1. does she usually have a key and didn’t take it?
2. did you discuss waiting up/giving her a key beforehand? If so, was it her or you who didn’t want her to take a key?

I think it matters to the context because if you didn’t offer a key, or she asked and you declined, then it changes the story a bit

I appreciate this is not the point of your thread at all, but I cared for my late husband, if you don't employ carers you will burn out, for your own sake you need to get some in, I know it's not pleasant having people in your home, but if you're not looking after yourself you can't care for someone else.

Btw your niece was a bit of a dick

Op, you're under extreme stress and fatigue. I think what you're really after is for someone to properly care about you. Your niece has happened upon you in these awful circumstances and hasn't behaved in a way that makes you feel loved and cared for. Her 'flouncing off in tears' suggests that once again, you see someone you care about putting their emotional needs ahead of yours.
I can totally understand why you feel the way you do but your niece hasn't been awful, just inconsiderate in awful circumstances. Don't allow this to ruin your relationship if it has been good to date. She's not capable of understanding what you're going through. She's probably never been weighed down with responsibility, and sleep-deprived to the extent you are.
She cried because she was sad that she had upset you. She cares. Her tears were legitimate though I'm sure you felt they were indulgent considering you could fill a river with your own if you weren't so stoic.
Forgive her. Reach out and explain where your emotions were coming from. You'll need to make the first move as she's just not as experienced in life and hardship as you are and doesn't have a full grasp of the situation.

I really feel for you and understand that caring for someone can be completely overwhelming at times. I'm both a carer and also the person who needs care, so I see both sides of the problem. I don't think your niece really knows how all consuming it can be, both physically and mentally. Even when things are stable, there's never a time where you can just turn off monitoring even if you aren't required to actively do something. So your 4 hours of sleep won't be like an average person's 4 hours. That said, although she had empathy when talking about the situation, she can't put herself in your shoes. Nobody who hasn't experienced long term caring can truly understand how grueling and relentless it can be.

Otherwise she wouldn't have gone out and allowed you to be waiting up for her or she'd not have changed her return time. As you have said yourself you have always been a supporter of her and this is the first time she's sensed your displeasure. She's reacted badly but part of her probably does feel guilty but isn't mature enough to address it. Once she's left, she's buried her head in the sand.

Although the crisis is over, you do need to build some back up or resources so you never get to the point of being likely to have a nervous breakdown. It's not your fault, there's thousands of carers stuck in situations where they are risking their own health and mental wellbeing and are largely unseen.

I would talk to your GP and also ask for a carers assessment from the council. Be completely honest with them about how close you got to burn out and see if you can get some extra help from them. You might not want respite care at the moment but having it organised and available will be invaluable if another crisis occurs. If nothing else it's going to help you to know that there's a back up plan and the feeling of being alone with this burden and nobody else cares if you go under or not.

There may be other things like charities or local groups where you can get support from people who have experience of supporting a loved one. Sometimes just a phone call with a friend who knows and cares can give you enough of a boost to keep going. Or having someone drop a meal round or sit with the person who needs caring for a while so you can sleep.