Who's in the wrong here?

[Whyohwhy1974]

My 20 year old niece is staying with me. She's lovely, no bother and a good house guest. Ive seen her through thick and thin in the last few uears. Life is tough for me at the mo. I'm stressed beyond anything I've felt before and not coping at all. I feel close to burnout and on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Seriously sleep deprived. Didnt sleep for 48 hours and then got 4 hours the mext night. Niece went on a night out. Said she'd be back around 11. Didn't take a key, said I'd wait up for her. Got a text at 11.30 saying she'd be back at 1am. She arrived at 1.30pm. I was deranged with exhaustion. I was curt with her but didn't want to bite, so said I was exhausted and went straight to bed. She was snarky with me but I didn't bite. We were meant to be up and out early the next day on a trip out. I was up at 6am, so only got another 4 hours sleep. She came downstairs around 9am and said are you OK. I said no, I was exhausted. That's literally all I said, albeit in a frustrated tone. She burst in to tears and fled upstairs. She came back downstairs and said she was leaving. I said fine, do what you want. More tears. 10 minutes later, she'd packed and gone, saying it wasn't what she wanted but was giving me space.
So it all got very quickly out of hand and we haven't spoken since. She knows I'm not coping with life right now. I also said absolutely nothing to her other than I'm exhausted and I get tears and flouncing.
So am I the twat? Should I just be upbeat and smiley and suck it up and not react to her keeping me up til 1.30am. Or is she out of line?

I couldn't have slept. I was expecting her at 11 ish. She text at 11.30 to say she'd be back at 1am. So I thought I'd get an hours sleep but there was a crisis I had to attend to (caring responsibilities). When I'd sorted this out, it was 12.30, so no point trying to sleep for half an hour. Then she arrived at 1.30.

Storm in a teacup.

You should have left her a key. She should have been more considerate.

I let her sleep in because on 4 hours sleep, again, I was in no fit state to drive anywhere.

Is she staying with you because whomever she was staying with previously basically kicked her out?

She didn't have a key.

Sounds like a lot of this could have been avoided. You clearly need some mental health support, particularly with regards to insomnia… Not sleeping for 48 hour stints will make anyone tetchy, to say the least. You should have left a key out for your niece or she should just have had her own to get in. That said, she was BU knowing you were waiting up for her to stay out 2.5 hours longer than planned. I think you’re stroppy due to lack of sleep and she’s taken this personally, that’s all.

Only staying for a couple of days. She stays every now and seldom.

Why? Just visiting you? Who does she usually live with?

is this the first time she’s ever behaved like this?

Absolutely not. She just stays occasionally when she's in the area.

You sound like Joan of Arc..

Yes, just visiting. She lives at home. First time she's been like this with me but then I've always been really patient with her. This is the first time I've been short/grumpy with her.

OP, she's 20. Give her a key and trust her. If she was at university nobody would be waiting up for her. You can't limit her life because you can't sleep until she's home. She isn't responsible for you, no matter what you have done for her in the past.

You sound like you need sleep and your own space. I am sorry life is difficult for you currently. Perhaps niece is best housed elsewhere until you are on a more even keel. I don't think she has done anything wrong. She's 20 and should be able to have a night out without feeling guilty. I think maybe you are in a place where you can't be thinking about others and just need to focus on your own needs, which is fine. Hope things improve for you.

U are both in the wrong. Her for giving times and not sticking to them. And you for staying up for 20 year old. It’s not her fault you’re exhausted. She’s a grown adult. But she’s allowed a life without u hanging about waiting on her. Living together won’t work if you are not honest with each others expectations.

Adding to the chorus of she's 20 - give her a key. I have a 20 year old and a 18 year old and when they are out I just go to bed and see them in the morning. I don't wait up. They know to ring if there is any issue and there never has been.

The "I couldn't possibly sleep" is martyr behaviour. This is a choice. She is 20 and doesn't understand whatever caring responsibilities are keeping you up half the night. She thinks you are being crazy and overbearing. You think she is being rude and selfish.

We're not living together. She just stays occasionally.

Where have I said I couldn't possibly sleep.

She has a lot of growing up to do. Perhaps it's best she's gone for a while, at least until you can give yourself some much needed TLC. Hope been to the docs and explained how you feel too, see if any help to be had.

Don't sweat her, she behaved a little dramatic.

Edit. Sorry, didn't realise she only stays on occasion.

You CHOSE to sit up waiting for her, rather than just going to bed and getting an early night. That is the unhinged part of your story. And then when plans changed, you stayed up, fizzing mad, rather than hiding a key and telling her to let herself in quietly.

You're obviously running on empty but she wasn't really the cause of that. She had one late night. It wasn't that one late night that left you in a state. It was the fact that you'd previously been up for 48 hours, then only had four hours' sleep, then couldn't sleep in after her late night because you have caring responsibilities.

Essentially, you understandably lost the plot through sheer tiredness, but it really wasn't her that got you to that point of exhaustion. It's everything else about your life. And you took it out on her and had what sounds like a massive meltdown in front of her.

I have lived for extended periods with virtually no sleep and a very stressful living situation. It's very hard and it messes with your head and it genuinely does affect your entire perception of what's happening, as well as affecting your behaviour. One late night doesn't do that, but a long period of severe deprivation does and I suspect your reaction was far more alarming than you think it was.

She should have been more considerate but she doesn't know what's going on in your head or what your personal stress and exhaustion feels like, and you chose to wait up instead of leaving her a key.

You said it here:

I couldn't have slept.

Why exactly didn't she take a key?

Ok so I’d guess that last night something happened that has upset her and made her very emotional

If I was usually up until 11 & it was just one night I probably wouldn't have given a spare key either.

She's totally out of order. She's 20 and it's her responsibility to either take a house key or to get home before you go to bed. It's not fair that she expects someone who's exhausted anyway to wait up until 1.30 a.m. She's being incredibly immature when she cries and leaves - she should be giving a heartfelt apology and asking what she could do to help you.

This.

OP I think its also stressing you out that you have fallen out.
Forgive each other - send a text
You'll probably find she's more than ready to apologies, she said she'd leave to give you some space.

It sounds like you need to steal your sleep when you can. I'm sure you explain that, she will understand.

FYI my lot are always forgetting keys. We bought a key stone and put it in the garden for them. (amazon £5is) and go to bed. But if for any reason they couldn't get in, they'd just ring me. I'd stumble down and let them in and stumble back to bed.