Help protect children from gaming harms.

Take our survey

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Who's in the wrong here?

309 replies

Whyohwhy1974 · 17/07/2026 16:10

My 20 year old niece is staying with me. She's lovely, no bother and a good house guest. Ive seen her through thick and thin in the last few uears. Life is tough for me at the mo. I'm stressed beyond anything I've felt before and not coping at all. I feel close to burnout and on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Seriously sleep deprived. Didnt sleep for 48 hours and then got 4 hours the mext night. Niece went on a night out. Said she'd be back around 11. Didn't take a key, said I'd wait up for her. Got a text at 11.30 saying she'd be back at 1am. She arrived at 1.30pm. I was deranged with exhaustion. I was curt with her but didn't want to bite, so said I was exhausted and went straight to bed. She was snarky with me but I didn't bite. We were meant to be up and out early the next day on a trip out. I was up at 6am, so only got another 4 hours sleep. She came downstairs around 9am and said are you OK. I said no, I was exhausted. That's literally all I said, albeit in a frustrated tone. She burst in to tears and fled upstairs. She came back downstairs and said she was leaving. I said fine, do what you want. More tears. 10 minutes later, she'd packed and gone, saying it wasn't what she wanted but was giving me space.
So it all got very quickly out of hand and we haven't spoken since. She knows I'm not coping with life right now. I also said absolutely nothing to her other than I'm exhausted and I get tears and flouncing.
So am I the twat? Should I just be upbeat and smiley and suck it up and not react to her keeping me up til 1.30am. Or is she out of line?

OP posts:
angelikacpickles · 18/07/2026 19:47

Whyohwhy1974 · 18/07/2026 08:04

I wouldn't have been up anyway. Yes, I would have until 11 but not til 1.30am. I was delayed going to bed as there was a bed wetting accident I had to deal with.

You said previously that you would have been up until 12.30am anyway?

OneNewLeader · 18/07/2026 19:57

Are you doing too much for everyone else and not enough for yourself? Drama aside.

Whyohwhy1974 · 18/07/2026 20:08

angelikacpickles · 18/07/2026 19:47

You said previously that you would have been up until 12.30am anyway?

If you re-read the section you've quoted, it doesn't say that at all.

OP posts:
Whyohwhy1974 · 18/07/2026 20:10

VividPinkTraybake · 18/07/2026 19:18

"It's called consequences..." based on this reply your interaction with your neice probably wasn't as calm and nice as you seem to think it is. Well her leaving is a consequence, other people have given you good advice if you want to heal the relationship. If you want to maintain a division due to some petty need to be right good luck, you have plenty of support here, but I don't know why you posted when you were so sure of yourself anyway.

At no point have I said it was calm and nice. Have you been reading a different thread.

OP posts:
Backtobroc · 18/07/2026 20:10

but the last few weeks have been literal life and death and caring responsibilities through the night.

this person should have ben in hospital under medical care.

Whyohwhy1974 · 18/07/2026 20:10

VividPinkTraybake · 18/07/2026 19:33

I was with you until the "childish madam"part. It is a storm in a teacup but you only have one side of the story and I think based on the replies the o.p was harsher than she says/thinks

My tone was harsh. I've never said otherwise.

OP posts:
Whyohwhy1974 · 18/07/2026 20:11

Backtobroc · 18/07/2026 20:10

but the last few weeks have been literal life and death and caring responsibilities through the night.

this person should have ben in hospital under medical care.

They have been backwards and forwards to hospital. Stabilising, discharged and unexpectedly deteriorating.

OP posts:
Whyohwhy1974 · 18/07/2026 20:14

ByAzureMoose · 18/07/2026 18:55

I'm ngl you sound like you have a massive victim complex.
You didn't need to stay up and wait for her if she had a key or you left one out, you also didn't need to wake up so early for the trip if she managed just fine waking up 3 hours later. Then you did this whole passive-aggressive schtick to make her feel bad for a situation you created. And now you're on here practically dry-begging for sympathy. None from me, sorry OP

Dry begging? Jesus christ. I didn't wake up at 6am for the trip. I woke up at 6am because I was/am looking after someone. Which I've explained. Repeatedly.

OP posts:
Backtobroc · 18/07/2026 20:14

Whyohwhy1974 · 18/07/2026 20:11

They have been backwards and forwards to hospital. Stabilising, discharged and unexpectedly deteriorating.

This sounds dangerous. For them and you. You shouldn’t be caring for someone in a “life or death” medical situation at home.

And they should be receiving proper medical attention.

Sounds like this person should be in a care home or hospital if they come close to death

Backtobroc · 18/07/2026 20:15

Whyohwhy1974 · 18/07/2026 20:14

Dry begging? Jesus christ. I didn't wake up at 6am for the trip. I woke up at 6am because I was/am looking after someone. Which I've explained. Repeatedly.

The trip should never have been planned surely

Whyohwhy1974 · 18/07/2026 20:15

Aluna · 18/07/2026 18:31

She must have had stuff with her as she was staying with you.

Either way if you’d said - “I’m knackered and need to go to be early so Lucy would be the better option. If you come back here you’d need to be home by 10 as I’m not giving you the key” she might have made a different choice?

Yes, she had stuff with her. At my house. Not on the night out. She didn't take anything on the night out because she was returning to mine.

OP posts:
Whyohwhy1974 · 18/07/2026 20:16

Backtobroc · 18/07/2026 20:15

The trip should never have been planned surely

Why not? If I'd gone to bed just after 11pm, I'd have got enough sleep to ho out for the morning.

OP posts:
Backtobroc · 18/07/2026 20:18

Whyohwhy1974 · 18/07/2026 20:16

Why not? If I'd gone to bed just after 11pm, I'd have got enough sleep to ho out for the morning.

But you said that for the previous few days it had been hellish and you were very low and depressed and the caring duties are overwhelming

so why would that night have been any different

Whyohwhy1974 · 18/07/2026 20:21

Backtobroc · 18/07/2026 20:18

But you said that for the previous few days it had been hellish and you were very low and depressed and the caring duties are overwhelming

so why would that night have been any different

Because, as I've said several times already, the crisis was finally over. Things were improving. That particular night was going to be the first night when I was able to have a decent stretch of sleep.

OP posts:
Backtobroc · 18/07/2026 20:22

Whyohwhy1974 · 18/07/2026 20:21

Because, as I've said several times already, the crisis was finally over. Things were improving. That particular night was going to be the first night when I was able to have a decent stretch of sleep.

I’d say that was rather optimistic given you said that the previous days had been “life or death”

Backtobroc · 18/07/2026 20:23

In fact you hadn’t slept for the previous 48 hours
but made plans for a day trip?

Whyohwhy1974 · 18/07/2026 20:23

independentfriend · 18/07/2026 18:26

I think one way to fix this is to cut her a key and message her saying you have a key for her the next time she comes to stay. That will probably prompt/ start the conversation again - showing her you still love her even though you were annoyed/exhausted/snappy that night.

I hope she's learnt never to go out without a key again.

She won't be coming to stay again. She's about to move in to her own place about an hour away. So the scenario will never recur.

OP posts:
Whyohwhy1974 · 18/07/2026 20:24

Backtobroc · 18/07/2026 20:23

In fact you hadn’t slept for the previous 48 hours
but made plans for a day trip?

I didn't say I hadn't slept for the previous 2 nights.

OP posts:
Backtobroc · 18/07/2026 20:25

Whyohwhy1974 · 18/07/2026 20:24

I didn't say I hadn't slept for the previous 2 nights.

Seriously sleep deprived. Didnt sleep for 48 hours and then got 4 hours the mext night.

and yet you thought that this night would be massively improved and arranged a day trip

Backtobroc · 18/07/2026 20:26

Whyohwhy1974 · 18/07/2026 20:23

She won't be coming to stay again. She's about to move in to her own place about an hour away. So the scenario will never recur.

I thought you said you were very close?

Whyohwhy1974 · 18/07/2026 20:26

Backtobroc · 18/07/2026 20:22

I’d say that was rather optimistic given you said that the previous days had been “life or death”

How can you possibly know whether it's optimistic or not when you know literally nothing about what's been going on?

OP posts:
Aluna · 18/07/2026 20:26

Whyohwhy1974 · 18/07/2026 20:21

Because, as I've said several times already, the crisis was finally over. Things were improving. That particular night was going to be the first night when I was able to have a decent stretch of sleep.

So why choose that night to host a young relative and not give them a key?

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 18/07/2026 20:27

She's 20. She could have stayed with a mate or booked into a hotel. No need for you to wait up.

Whyohwhy1974 · 18/07/2026 20:27

Backtobroc · 18/07/2026 20:26

I thought you said you were very close?

Eh? I meant in terms of relationship, not geographically.

OP posts:
usernumbernotfound · 18/07/2026 20:27

Whyohwhy1974 · 18/07/2026 20:24

I didn't say I hadn't slept for the previous 2 nights.

You did- you literally said I feel close to burnout and on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Seriously sleep deprived. Didnt sleep for 48 hours and then got 4 hours the mext night. Niece went on a night out

So I understand why people are finding it odd you arranged a day trip

Swipe left for the next trending thread