Who's in the wrong here?

[Whyohwhy1974]

My 20 year old niece is staying with me. She's lovely, no bother and a good house guest. Ive seen her through thick and thin in the last few uears. Life is tough for me at the mo. I'm stressed beyond anything I've felt before and not coping at all. I feel close to burnout and on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Seriously sleep deprived. Didnt sleep for 48 hours and then got 4 hours the mext night. Niece went on a night out. Said she'd be back around 11. Didn't take a key, said I'd wait up for her. Got a text at 11.30 saying she'd be back at 1am. She arrived at 1.30pm. I was deranged with exhaustion. I was curt with her but didn't want to bite, so said I was exhausted and went straight to bed. She was snarky with me but I didn't bite. We were meant to be up and out early the next day on a trip out. I was up at 6am, so only got another 4 hours sleep. She came downstairs around 9am and said are you OK. I said no, I was exhausted. That's literally all I said, albeit in a frustrated tone. She burst in to tears and fled upstairs. She came back downstairs and said she was leaving. I said fine, do what you want. More tears. 10 minutes later, she'd packed and gone, saying it wasn't what she wanted but was giving me space.
So it all got very quickly out of hand and we haven't spoken since. She knows I'm not coping with life right now. I also said absolutely nothing to her other than I'm exhausted and I get tears and flouncing.
So am I the twat? Should I just be upbeat and smiley and suck it up and not react to her keeping me up til 1.30am. Or is she out of line?

She was out with her mates. Who would have "feminine supplies" in their homes too. And pub loos still have tampax machines.

There's nothing that couldn't be managed or borrowed until the next morning.

Might be less comfortable than she likes, might not get to chsnge her knickers til next morning, but them's the breaks if you change the stakes.

It's ridiculous to mollycoddle her on everything and then wonder why she didn't put OP first.

If @Whyohwhy1974 hadnt slept for 48 hours and then had a mere 4 hours sleep… I hope that the trip would have been cancelled anyway as driving would be dangerous.

although odd to have even arranged a day trip when in the immediately preceding days the op had got zero sleep due to dealing with the “life or death” crisis of a relative

dear OP, I am so sorry for the screeds and screeds of unsympathetic feedback you've had on here. I hope that the critically ill person you've been caring for is now in a better position such that you, yourself, can catch up on sleep, rest and time to yourself. I also hope that your neice will take time to reflect on her (selfish) behaviour and apologise to you for her thoughtlessness
Maybe it's time to start putting some self-protecting boundaries around her availing herself of your hospitality? By all means, if you want to, loan her the "guest key" to let herself in.

She's 20. She's an adult. She's lucky to have an aunt she can fetch up on at a whim.

”I am exhausted “ is extremely indirect. If you or the OP think it was a cue to the niece leaping into action and taking better care of OP you are very mistaken. That is why some of us are calling OP passive agressive. She was not direct and forthright about what she expected from her niece and her statements about her situation were ambiguous. Niece thought things were fine and that OP was waving hello when OP thought she was drowning and waving wildly for help.

So she doesn't come to stay to spend time with you? It's because you're convenient for her to see her mates?

What more needed to be said at that hour? Do you think an adult really needs it spelled out that coming in 2.5 hours late to a household where someone needs round the clock care is selfish, rude and inconsiderate?

No, she knows and is ashamed and won’t face it.

She’s in the total wrong here I think, and thank whatever you believe in she’s gone.

if you’re a guest you should respect the home habits. 11.30 is not 1.30am. And so on. She’s the passive aggressive here, tears instead of apologies for lack of consideration for your ospitality.

Entitled immature behaviour all the way

Sure but so what? The world is unjust. OP has just found out that what you get when you work your fingers to the bone is boney fingers. If she wants more help from her (seemingly hideous) family she is going to have to ask for it—demand it. And she might find that they don’t step up. But at least she will know.

Her family isn’t going to help her. I doubt she expects they will. She was just short with her niece because she was exhausted and irritated. She wants her niece to apologize and this to blow over.