Who's in the wrong here?

[Whyohwhy1974]

My 20 year old niece is staying with me. She's lovely, no bother and a good house guest. Ive seen her through thick and thin in the last few uears. Life is tough for me at the mo. I'm stressed beyond anything I've felt before and not coping at all. I feel close to burnout and on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Seriously sleep deprived. Didnt sleep for 48 hours and then got 4 hours the mext night. Niece went on a night out. Said she'd be back around 11. Didn't take a key, said I'd wait up for her. Got a text at 11.30 saying she'd be back at 1am. She arrived at 1.30pm. I was deranged with exhaustion. I was curt with her but didn't want to bite, so said I was exhausted and went straight to bed. She was snarky with me but I didn't bite. We were meant to be up and out early the next day on a trip out. I was up at 6am, so only got another 4 hours sleep. She came downstairs around 9am and said are you OK. I said no, I was exhausted. That's literally all I said, albeit in a frustrated tone. She burst in to tears and fled upstairs. She came back downstairs and said she was leaving. I said fine, do what you want. More tears. 10 minutes later, she'd packed and gone, saying it wasn't what she wanted but was giving me space.
So it all got very quickly out of hand and we haven't spoken since. She knows I'm not coping with life right now. I also said absolutely nothing to her other than I'm exhausted and I get tears and flouncing.
So am I the twat? Should I just be upbeat and smiley and suck it up and not react to her keeping me up til 1.30am. Or is she out of line?

I don't think you're being a twat. But, you could have left a key somewhere for her instead of staying up?

If it really did go down this way then no, you aren't in the wrong and she sounds like a complete drama llama😂 flouncing out because you said you're exhausted, that's a weird fucking reaction

Wow that escalated quickly

You were passive aggressive. Why were you waiting up for a 20 year old? You could have just given her your Keys. And what were you up at 6 am about awaiting her to come down. If you had plans you could just have woken her up. It sounds like you have done anything to be a martyr here and I don't blame her for leaving.

She was thoughtless and immature but if she apologises I’d agree to put it behind you. Next time she needs to take a key!

Why not just leave a key out? She's 20... she doesn't need you sitting up waiting for her.

It's also not her fault you were deranged with exhaustion. There was no need to be passive aggressive. If you had plans that meant you all needed to be up at 6am then why not wake her up?

A bit of column A and a bit of column B

20 year olds tend not to understand burnout and lack of sleep they still have that teenager ability to sleep a lot so she doesn’t understand your pain .

Why did you not leave a key or give her a key

Give her a day or two and chat in person- no messages

Sorry you're having a tough time. Sometimes when we're in a bad place we make unwise decisions though.

• Saying you'd wait up in the first place for her was silly. She should have taken a key even if she was going to be back at 11. If you're so exhausted there was a chance you'd have wanted an earlier night

• Deciding to wait up even longer when she was going to be late was silly. You should have hidden a key and gone to bed.

• Getting up at 6am unnecessarily was silly. It almost sounds like you were doing this on purpose to prove to her how tired she has made you. Obviously neither of you wants to start a day at 6am when you've been up till 1.30am. Its too early even if you hadn't!

• telling her at 9am you were exhausted is silly. You chose to get up at 6am for no reason. Had you just been waiting for her for 3 hours by this point getting annoyed? You should have gone back to bed.

key safe needed

Get a key safe on Amazon.

GO TO BED if you are tired. All day if you have to. Take a dormadina or some sort of sleeping tablet. Get sleep. Prioritise this.

stop making plans. You are exhausted. Have a bath and go to bed.

Where on earth were you going at 6am? It couldn’t have been that important if you didn’t wake her and she got up at 9. What were you doing for 3 hours??

Why would you leave a key out? You might as well not lock the door at all.

But waiting up for her is odd. You could have slept and then let her in when she knocked on the door.

She seems to have over-reacted though. You could try having a conversation with her, see if you can both put it behind you.

I agree with everyone. You needn't wait up for a 20 Yr old, she may have felt hemmed in by that. She then over reacted, but she is 20 and that can still be an unreasonable or overly emotional time. Get some sleep and then reach out to her.

As someone who has kids this age coming in and out at all hours, she should have taken a key. They might say they’ll be back by 11 but then everyone decides they want to go clubbing instead and plans change and next thing they’re rolling in at 3am.

Next morning you should have woken her up to see if the trip was still happening rather than passively waiting for 3 hours.

She does sound a bit of a drama queen though with all the flouncing.

I think you’re both just stressed and upset and this has escalated more than is reasonable for either of you.

I would apologise have a hug and forget about it. You don’t need to add this to your worries

Maybe niece should have taken a key, but she didn't, and having said she'd be back around eleven, she should have been back around eleven. Keeping someone up until 1.30 without prior arrangement when you're a guest in their house is a shitty way to behave, even if they weren't already very tired.

One of those situations when people said things they didn’t mean.

Your niece broke the original agreement (twice). There’s a big difference between 11pm and 1.30am. Your house, your rules, and she should have respected this

Regarding getting up, could you gone and woken her up? Why did you let her sleep in?

However, she shouldn’t have flounced so easily. It’s okay to say you’re tired. Maybe she thought she was being judged or blamed, and actually she was responsible for the situation.

Don’t feel guilty. You can’t be good cop all the time, and you’ve supported her alot.

I wish I had. We wouldn't be in this situation now but I can't turn back time.

I wasn't up at 6am waiting for her to come down. I was up at 6am as I have caring responsibilities (part of the reason I'm on the bones of my arse).

Why are you “waiting up” for a 20 year old? She’s an adult!

why didn’t you just give her a key? If she is staying there regularly she should have a key. Even it it was just one night you could have loaned her a spare.

I’ve got a teen going through a lot. Sometimes I can’t hide the impact that is having on me. If I overreact, I apologize, but just admitting you are tired is not overreacting.

She's in the wrong here. She should have taken a key or made sure she was back by 11.

However, I have DC of this age, and unfortunately they are sometimes thoughtless and inconsiderate. Mine are lovely but I can imagine them doing this kind of thing and not really thinking it was that bad.

Hopefully the two of you can apologise to each other and make up. It would be a real shame if this spoilt your close relationship.

How long has she been staying and was it meant to be a long term thing?

It sounds like it might be good just to have a bit of space from each other for now.

I think if you knew you had to be up at 6am, it's even more silly to stay up till 11 to let her in, and doubly silly to stay up till 1.30 working yourself up into an upset which was completely foreseeable. Hope you can have an early night tonight!

As she is a good guest and presumably a neice you love i would be a bit worried she was so distressed by a minor fall out that she reacted that way. I would reassure her she was welcome and ask her to always take her key in future in case plans change. I would also be making sure she knows even if you're annoyed about her behaviour occasionally, you will always work through it and be there for her. An apology for disturbed sleep and taking key in future is all that was needed.

Unless you suspect she was crying and leaving to avoid an apology or acknowledgement you were tired because of her in which case fair enough to act how you did. But I wasnt getting that vibe from your post.