Who's in the wrong here?

[Whyohwhy1974]

My 20 year old niece is staying with me. She's lovely, no bother and a good house guest. Ive seen her through thick and thin in the last few uears. Life is tough for me at the mo. I'm stressed beyond anything I've felt before and not coping at all. I feel close to burnout and on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Seriously sleep deprived. Didnt sleep for 48 hours and then got 4 hours the mext night. Niece went on a night out. Said she'd be back around 11. Didn't take a key, said I'd wait up for her. Got a text at 11.30 saying she'd be back at 1am. She arrived at 1.30pm. I was deranged with exhaustion. I was curt with her but didn't want to bite, so said I was exhausted and went straight to bed. She was snarky with me but I didn't bite. We were meant to be up and out early the next day on a trip out. I was up at 6am, so only got another 4 hours sleep. She came downstairs around 9am and said are you OK. I said no, I was exhausted. That's literally all I said, albeit in a frustrated tone. She burst in to tears and fled upstairs. She came back downstairs and said she was leaving. I said fine, do what you want. More tears. 10 minutes later, she'd packed and gone, saying it wasn't what she wanted but was giving me space.
So it all got very quickly out of hand and we haven't spoken since. She knows I'm not coping with life right now. I also said absolutely nothing to her other than I'm exhausted and I get tears and flouncing.
So am I the twat? Should I just be upbeat and smiley and suck it up and not react to her keeping me up til 1.30am. Or is she out of line?

She'd already been empathetic towards me and was supportive about the strain I was under. So I wasn't hoping for more than she'd already shown.

So she'd be uncomfortable for a night. That would be her choice to come back or stay out. She's a young adult, a friends sofa and no toothbrush for a night is fine.

You're not obliged to go along with her preferences. Boundaries are OK to have.

Don't people-please to your own detriment and then resent people for it.

I don't need this input though. I've said multiple times that it isn't an on-going crisis and is now settling down. I've been a carer before, for years, so am well versed in how to access care. I also don't need input on boundary setting. This was a one-off situation. I was looking for opinions on whether I was the problem here or not because as it stands, the relationship with my niece has just imploded. There's been no contact since, not even from her mother, who knows everything that happened and knows just how bad I've been.

The niece knew OP was tired and shouldn't have asked in the first place. She asked in the knowledge that OP would find it difficult to say no, and no doubt saying no might not have been well received and would have created an atmosphere.

I also don't need input on boundary setting.

You really do.

I think you're falling into the trap of being too accommodating and people-pleasing, and secretly wishing people would rush in, help you and put you first sometimes. Which should happen, but rarely does.

Agreed, she’s 20, she was thoughtless and late, she should be able to apologise and get a grip.

Not saying no has worked out splendidly. 😂

But when people have pointed out where you might have contributed to the problem (even if it wasnt entirely of your making) you have become defensive.

Your niece was in the wrong for what she did but you also contributed to this implosion, yes.

Ok, well that was daft. She's on a night out, you're seriously sleep deprived, the fact you even said you'd wait up suggests you might have gone to bed sooner if you could, so it really was foolish for it not to occur to either of you. That said, if you were waiting up by mutual agreement, she should have come home at the agreed time.

Still, I think it's better for you as the older adult to have an honest conversation about it rather than going pass agg, which really never helps. If you do generally put yourself out for people and make no sound about it then they're not going to realise you're silently simmering and when you boil over it's totally unexpected and upsetting... which isn't unreasonable when the angry person has been deliberately hiding their feelings from them.

There do seem to be a lot of people who expect very young people to be more emotionally astute and sacrificing than they themselves are.

If you have such a good relationship normally, I can't see that this would ruin it. Smooth it over and ffs make sure she takes a key next time.

Mostly her, but you also need to give her a key and stop waiting for her. You’re expecting a 20 year old to be more adult and she’s clearly feeling the weight of your needs to heavily. Space is the right move.

To those saying the OP should have help caring or maybe involve a care home?

It isn’t always that easy - unless of course you have thousands of pounds of disposable income.

We waited many long weeks for the most basic of help. Working shifts and caring was utterly exhausting. Could I have left it to my other elderly parent who had their own difficulties? Yes. Would that have been a great solution? Absolutely not. So you get on with it.

As for care homes? There are no spaces and it took 11 months to get an assisted living flat.

I suspect there are many thousands of people just getting on with things. Like OP.

As for those who don’t expect 20 year olds to be more aware? Actually I do expect that of a 20 year old. I was aware. My mother was. My grandmother was. My great grandmother was.

The difference is we weren’t treated like children when we hit 16. We were working, (unless in higher education), helping care for elderly relatives and younger siblings because that is what we did. We were not in the minority.

Your niece will be well aware of your life at the moment. It would not have occurred to me to add to someone’s pressures by staying over for a few days - unless I was there to help. Getting home late is not a surprise but it is rude and inconsiderate in the circumstances.

The key? In hindsight, on this occasion, it would have been a great idea but why should she have a key for a house that isn’t hers on a permanent basis?

I don’t see why, as an older adult, OP has to break the ice. I can imagine doing that if I were dealing with a child but that isn’t the case here. Would I do it on this occasion? Perhaps. But I’d give the niece the chance to get in touch first. Hopefully she has had time to reflect.

Going forward OP? Don’t have her stay while you are elbows deep in caring. And after your responsibilities stop or ease? Give yourself a decent break before you entertain houseguests. You deserve that. Caring is such hard work and you need to have a bit of time for yourself.

If it were me? I’d text your niece in a week or so. See how it goes from there. It isn’t worth a permanent fall out.

So if she really is as important as you say she is to you… use this as an opener.

”I think we need to talk about the other night. I do accept my tone was curt and I apologise for that. I do think though we need to discuss your response….”

Are crises very rare? Or fairly regular?

I’m sorry you are having such a tough time. Being a carer is utterly exhausting and the sleep deprivation is absolute torture. She should have taken a key with her and as she didn’t , should have returned at the agreed time out of respect for you. Sadly from experience a large percentage of the younger generation are unable to own their shit and apologise! Rather opting for drama tears and flouncing out. I’ve seen it too many times. It doesn’t hurt them to go away and think about it, feel a bit stupid and have to work out how to come back and apologise. If no one pulls them up on this behaviour how are they going to learn?

@2026problemsandDDcanbeone "Whether it’s due to stress, immaturity, generational differences or what it may be, it does feel like younger people are a lot less able to handle momentary stress/fallout/a minor spat."

Absolutely agree. For heaven sake. Everyone falls out, gets stressed and life isn't like a Disney film. The worst thing that's happened here is that a 20 year old has discovered exactly that. It won't hurt her, it'll probably do her good. She should have sympathy for her aunt, especially as she's witnessed the situation at first hand, not flounce off like a spoilt brat. I think we're fostering a world dedicated to the "self" and it's not going to be very nice.

You both handled it poorly, and the whole situation was avoidable

She is 20, not 12, so there was absolutely no need for you to sit up waiting for her in the first place. Once she came home, snapping “are you OK?” in a frustrated tone instead of simply explaining that you were exhausted and upset was bound to sound hostile.

Equally, your niece bursting into tears, packing a bag and storming out was a wildly overdramatic response.

I would conclude that you created the problem by treating an adult like a child - you then communicated badly and the niece responded like a child anyway.

Neither of you comes out of this with much credit, but you're comfortably more in the wrong.

Why didn’t she take a key? And just how ‘curt’ were you with her?

I think one way to fix this is to cut her a key and message her saying you have a key for her the next time she comes to stay. That will probably prompt/ start the conversation again - showing her you still love her even though you were annoyed/exhausted/snappy that night.

I hope she's learnt never to go out without a key again.

She must have had stuff with her as she was staying with you.

Either way if you’d said - “I’m knackered and need to go to be early so Lucy would be the better option. If you come back here you’d need to be home by 10 as I’m not giving you the key” she might have made a different choice?

The consensus seems to be that you’re both at fault.

But you’re the mature adult in the situation. Is it worth imploding your relationship with sister and niece over?

I’m starting to see how the trainees we are getting (all in their twenties) cannot take responsibility for their actions, are flakier than a cream puff and are super sensitive to any advice and/or criticism.

They are incapable of sorting out their mess and instead expect everyone else to do it for them.

If this is what is expected of them (not to be mature adults) at 20 and above, then I think we are in for interesting times.

I'm ngl you sound like you have a massive victim complex.
You didn't need to stay up and wait for her if she had a key or you left one out, you also didn't need to wake up so early for the trip if she managed just fine waking up 3 hours later. Then you did this whole passive-aggressive schtick to make her feel bad for a situation you created. And now you're on here practically dry-begging for sympathy. None from me, sorry OP

"It's called consequences..." based on this reply your interaction with your neice probably wasn't as calm and nice as you seem to think it is. Well her leaving is a consequence, other people have given you good advice if you want to heal the relationship. If you want to maintain a division due to some petty need to be right good luck, you have plenty of support here, but I don't know why you posted when you were so sure of yourself anyway.

I was with you until the "childish madam"part. It is a storm in a teacup but you only have one side of the story and I think based on the replies the o.p was harsher than she says/thinks

"Got a text at 11.30 saying she'd be back at 1am"