Boyfriend.. entitlement behaviours.

[ShudderIck]

AIBU?? To be irked that the guy I'm seeing helps himself to stuff in my house.

It started with things like teabags, or he'll just take an apple from the fruit bowl and start eating it. I have started commenting saying "oh don't mind that was for my kids, you just help yourself!!"
I don't mean making a cup of tea, I mean stuffing a handful of teabags into his pocket whilst declaring he needs to get himself some more peppermint tea. In a rheotorical "it's alright for me to take these, isn't it" kind of way.
Lately he has used something from my first aid cupboard, but to excess and as a result theres now not the supply of it that I'd normally keep. He wasn't freshly injured, he had a mild ailment that he has used this ointment on..but poured it excessively and without consideration that it costs me hard-earned money. I'm trying not to be too outing, but it is something that's now hard to get hold of and going for £20 a bottle online.

I am feeling a bit taken for granted, in many aspects of my life.... and it's something I'm working on in therapy.

But I am really struggling with whether I am being dramatic to be pissed off with this behaviour?
I was very much brought up with the manners that you don't help yourself to things in people's homes. Even with my best friend of a decade, I wouldn't just start eating her food without asking first or waiting to be offered.

But yet boyfriend just takes and takes without consideration.
I can't do the same at his, I wouldn't anyway, but his place is such a bachelor pad that he doesn't have things I could use to excess/take anyway.

My fear is that I'm dating a cocklodger, but I'm worried I'm being OTT.

So..would this annoy you?

I’d say, “oh I see you used all the ointment, can you replace it next time you visit?”
”you finished the kids apples, please replace them next time.”
”would you mind asking please? Some of these things are set aside for my lunches/kids snacks/an emergency”

Yes I have told him he needs to buy me more ointment, but he keeps delaying in doing so. Think he thinks I'll just let it slide.

I'm just really struggling with my feelings around it. It sounds so pathetic to be pissed off over an apple and some ointment, but i think it's the overall sense of entitlement and lack of manners that I am finding eye-opening.

Don't let him in your house. He's robbing you, and he's meant to be enhancing your life and taking you on dates

What's the point of him?

He's one of life's entitled "takers". Ditch him. He won't change. He thinks the World owes him everything. I dated one of those. Things didn't get better, they got worse. Literally more "entitled" as the weeks passed. You are indeed dating a cocklodger. Respect yourself more and thrown him back.

Does he live with you, ifnot its probably time to say goodbye, this is about more than just an apple,

I don't often say it on here but dump him.

He sounds irritating enough not to bother seeing again but I would say 'oo let's pop round the shops' in a nice market town or something. You will see fruit and hopefully a chemist that sells your ointment and you can just hand it to him expectantly and say 'heres the ointment you meant to replace! yay!' haha..

Is this a long-term relationship? If he feels comfortable to help himself to your stuff, then you should also feel comfortable to say ‘hey, can you pick up so and so from the shop on your way’, for example (and he should pay for that). Basically it should be broadly reciprocal, not necessarily to the penny, but enough that you both give and take a fair share. If you’re not at the stage where you can comfortably do that, then no, I think he’s taking the piss.

Absolutely not!

If we lived together would be different, I think then people share items in the household (within reason)
No this is my house with my kids, he stays very occasionally.

I think I'm just taken aback by the behaviour.
I've never had anyone just help themselves before..!

Might be just me but I am thinking of him burning through a whole tube of Savlon on something grim. Or fungus cream.... Or piles cream?

What is the cream OP?

Make plans tp see him away from your home.
Or better still not at all.

Does he contribute at all eg bottle of wine, buying a takeaway etc? The apple I wouldn’t mind (assuming he was eating it there and then) but stuffing your teabags in his pockets is fucking weird, you aren’t a food bank?! How long have you been together?

I did find a few men when I was dating would see my fully stocked home as a bit of a freely available resource like it was their parents home or something. Big red flag though. I wouldn’t like this at all. One man spent a weekend at mine, contributing a few cans of beer. I cooked and fed him all weekend including some wine and he took the remaining beer when he left, that was the final straw for me!

Is the ointment TCP?
If so, LTB. Maybe sue him for your loss.

How long have you been together?

When someone shows you who they really are, believe them. He's helping himself to things in your home that you've paid for because he believes that he's entitled to.

It's thrown around here way too often but seriously, LTB. That's just awful.

Agree. I had one like this. Went from turning up at meal times, taking items without telling me or asking out my freezer and cupboards to take home to going through my private things and stealing money. He wasnt hungry he just thought I was beneath him so he was entitled to take what he wanted. Turns out that was his attitude to all women, like we owed him. Dump him he will get worse quickly.

It is. On paper.
But we live very separate lives.

I think it's just the manners thing that's bothering me..maybe I'd like a "am I alright to have an apple please?" which gives me the opportunity to say actually no, because i want one for lunch tomorrow and i havent got chance to go to the shop again beforehand. But it's the helping himself without consideration of MY needs/wants that is fucking me off...!

Yanbu. It's not just ointment, or tea bags, it's a lack of respect and consideration and reciprocation.

If he was replacing stuff straight away I'd be ok with it (eg fancied a snack after the shops were shut and replaced when they opened in the morning). If it worked both ways I'd be fine with it (you spent equal time at his and he said as you were leaving 'oh remember to grab yourself some tea bags to replace the ones I took, and here have some xxx that I got extra as I thought you might like')like.

But as it stands he is expecting you to subsidise his use of stuff, both in terms of money but in terms of mental load of remembering to buy / replace, and in terms of time to actually do it. For some reason he has decided that this is ok for you to carry and him to just piggy back off your efforts. As you say - he thinks he is entitled. Probably because he is a man I'm guessing (would he waltz into a male friends house and take a load of loo roll home because he'd not got round to buying yet)

So you're not being petty in my opinion it's wort reconsidering a relationship for as people aren't normally this unfair / thoughtless / selfish in only one small area of their lives

🤣🤣🤣🤣

I think your sarcastic "oh don't mind" bit kind of told him it was okay in a way. You should have just told him not to seriously from the start

When he takes a handful of teabags (or whatever) I would say "oi, this isn't Tesco, put them back!". If you let these little things go he will start taking it for granted he can use you / your house; "I'm just going for a shower" (using your hot water, shower gel), "I'll stick on a wash while I'm here" (using your hot water, detergent) etc. Put your foot down and if he objects he's not a decent man.

We are pretty even with buying cheap things like drinks here and there.

I think with this, it's because the ointment was used so excessively that it's left me without and is going to be a pain to replace (in terms of sourcing it) that it's fucked me off way more than if it was just a few plasters/something easily replaceable.

Stuffing pockets with tea bags is so icky - but your own mate!

OP I’d re-evaluate this relationship!

Thanks, this has nailed it.

Yes it's the mental load that comes with replacing certain items, that is bothering me.

Helping himself without asking is annoying, I'd be more bothered that when you ask him to replace things he never does. Does he think you're better off financially than him or is it that he can't be asked to go shopping?