Boyfriend.. entitlement behaviours.

[ShudderIck]

AIBU?? To be irked that the guy I'm seeing helps himself to stuff in my house.

It started with things like teabags, or he'll just take an apple from the fruit bowl and start eating it. I have started commenting saying "oh don't mind that was for my kids, you just help yourself!!"
I don't mean making a cup of tea, I mean stuffing a handful of teabags into his pocket whilst declaring he needs to get himself some more peppermint tea. In a rheotorical "it's alright for me to take these, isn't it" kind of way.
Lately he has used something from my first aid cupboard, but to excess and as a result theres now not the supply of it that I'd normally keep. He wasn't freshly injured, he had a mild ailment that he has used this ointment on..but poured it excessively and without consideration that it costs me hard-earned money. I'm trying not to be too outing, but it is something that's now hard to get hold of and going for £20 a bottle online.

I am feeling a bit taken for granted, in many aspects of my life.... and it's something I'm working on in therapy.

But I am really struggling with whether I am being dramatic to be pissed off with this behaviour?
I was very much brought up with the manners that you don't help yourself to things in people's homes. Even with my best friend of a decade, I wouldn't just start eating her food without asking first or waiting to be offered.

But yet boyfriend just takes and takes without consideration.
I can't do the same at his, I wouldn't anyway, but his place is such a bachelor pad that he doesn't have things I could use to excess/take anyway.

My fear is that I'm dating a cocklodger, but I'm worried I'm being OTT.

So..would this annoy you?

He is effectively stealing from you and stealing your children’s food. I wouldn’t hesitate to finish with him, and tell him why.

If you like him it’s worth being straight with him.
‘look Fred, I feel embarrassed having to bring this up, but you can’t just keep helping yourself to stuff like the teabags and the TCP. It’s not okay can you please stop?’
Or
If you don’t like him that much end the relationship

That's fine but take out the bit about being embarrassed because it straight away suggests you are being petty or unreasonable or that it is a you problem.

See I am reluctant to give him the get out clause of giving me the cash for the ointment.
It's turned into a bit of a test on my part...he has inconvenienced me by running it out, so I do actually expect him to replace it like for like, and soon.

I'm at the point where I don't want the cash for it, I want and expect him to actually take responsibility for sourcing, purchasing and organising it's replacement. That's the bit I don't want to do myself.

I actually suspect this will be the thing that breaks us..!!

Point taken. It’s called ‘self disclosure’ in assertiveness training.
using a feeling word to lead into the sentence.
‘uncomfortable’ maybe.
using a word like ‘annoyed’ or ‘irritated’ can cause the receiver to become defensive.
and blocks them hearing the message.

Who the fuck thinks it’s ok to stuff their pockets with someone else’s teabags? Unless you want to take on the job of “teaching” him how to behave properly throw him back. I guarantee there is plenty more entitlement under the surface.

This is exactly how they start
Small tests of disrespect and boundary violation that when challenged they go " its only teabags/ an apple"
Then its your car, your money, moving in when you dont want them to
All with " poor me"

Throw this one back quickly

I asked about finances Op because some men have the idea single DM are well set up, salary, child benefit and maintenance, it ties in with the idea that when people divorce the women get all the Exs money. All rubbish, of course, but he looks at your home compared to his flat and thinks you won't miss a few bits.
If he doesn't come good with replacing anything it's not a good sign Op, you're already doubting him

The stuffing of the teabags in his pocket would have given me the ick.

As an aside, I had no idea you could not buy TCP anymore!

He feels entitled to your and your children's things, even their food. He's very disrespectful of your homes and he's stealing from you.

The ointment should have been replaced immediately. He should have brought a bag of fruit. But stealing your tea? Blatantly stuffing bags in his pockets in front of you was a test of your boundaries.

He's nasty, thieving, and cheap. You know he's not going to be replacing your ointment.

Dump the trash.

He's a baboon

Some, but not all men, thank god have an inability to interact normally in social situations, its like they will just take advantage until they are told firmly to stop it.

In your case, it really is not fair on you and your kids, especially regarding the apples.

He is taking advantage of you, he lacks marurity, insight and intelligence and it seems like he has a limited understanding of how to interact in social situations.

Be firm with him OP, stand your ground, tell him he can't just help himself you have your children to support and set some very firm boundaries.

Yep! Been through this myself and can confirm that these leaches only get worse.

What a chooch

You are begrudging a tea bag, apple and medicine for someone you supposedly care about?

Thats weird and right. Or you don’t really like him.

His behaviour's annoying you, it'll only get worse as will your irritation. Just get rid.

My ex was like this . Take take take but gave nothing back. His step dad even said the same.
Bin him and find someone who respects you and your property

Could you tell him he’s not to come
over again until he brings the cream? I mean you’d need to order one anyhow as he’s not going to do it, but that’s a line in the sand for him. He crosses it, dump him?

This man will deplete all your resources. This kind of stuff does not get better. I once had a man who did this - seemed to think all my stuff (toilet roll, food, even cash once) was by proxy his because we were in a relationship. Dumped him.

What does 'that's weird and right' mean?

Actually perhaps him failing to replace the ointment might be the thing that saves you.

Know your worth @ShudderIck you run a stocked house for you and your kids, he can’t even work out when to buy himself teabags.

Tell him you aren’t letting him in until you see that replaced ointment in his hand.

Then, if it happens, tell him it’s not working out as you are just in different stages of adulthood.

He’s far too comfortable, isn’t he? And also pretty selfish. He may just not be aware of the need to ask because he thinks you’d give him the stuff anyway and may will be mortified if you tell him how it comes across. Here’s hoping.

In your situation, I’d say, “Look - you do need to ask before just taking things. You have to think about other people - not just about what you want for yourself. You’ve left the children without items for their lunches and me without things in the first aid kit. I never know what I’ve run out of or when because you just keep helping yourself.”

I might even add: “We’re not in the ‘shared household’ situation where what’s ours is yours and I don’t budget for your needs too so can you replace the first aid lotion and buy some fruit?”

Why do you assume you’re being dramatic? He’s helping himself to your things!

Just a matter of time before the "ick" sets in.

Dear OP
Respect your own feelings.
You don't need to analyse whether you're being OTT or reasonable.

You don't like his behaviour.
That's enough.
Bin him off.
How has he no shame to be depriving children of their sustenance???
Don't have him in the house again.
Onwards and upwards.

In the nicest possible way op, your boundaries are waaay off. Your instincts are solid, you know this is not ok, but for some reason you’re talking yourself out of what your gut is telling you.

Who we form a relationship with is the most significant (and potentially disastrous) financial decision we will ever make.

Take some time to work out why you’re self sabotaging.