Boyfriend.. entitlement behaviours.

[ShudderIck]

AIBU?? To be irked that the guy I'm seeing helps himself to stuff in my house.

It started with things like teabags, or he'll just take an apple from the fruit bowl and start eating it. I have started commenting saying "oh don't mind that was for my kids, you just help yourself!!"
I don't mean making a cup of tea, I mean stuffing a handful of teabags into his pocket whilst declaring he needs to get himself some more peppermint tea. In a rheotorical "it's alright for me to take these, isn't it" kind of way.
Lately he has used something from my first aid cupboard, but to excess and as a result theres now not the supply of it that I'd normally keep. He wasn't freshly injured, he had a mild ailment that he has used this ointment on..but poured it excessively and without consideration that it costs me hard-earned money. I'm trying not to be too outing, but it is something that's now hard to get hold of and going for £20 a bottle online.

I am feeling a bit taken for granted, in many aspects of my life.... and it's something I'm working on in therapy.

But I am really struggling with whether I am being dramatic to be pissed off with this behaviour?
I was very much brought up with the manners that you don't help yourself to things in people's homes. Even with my best friend of a decade, I wouldn't just start eating her food without asking first or waiting to be offered.

But yet boyfriend just takes and takes without consideration.
I can't do the same at his, I wouldn't anyway, but his place is such a bachelor pad that he doesn't have things I could use to excess/take anyway.

My fear is that I'm dating a cocklodger, but I'm worried I'm being OTT.

So..would this annoy you?

him replacing the ointment would be the hill I die on. And the relationship dies on. His home is unsuitable and he wants someone else to make his life easier rather than for him to get what he needs himself.

give a very specific instruction. ‘I need you to put the order in for the ointment this today. Phone me when you have done it to let me know when it will be delivered to my home.´

no sarcasm at all. No wiggle room.

I wonder if anyone from Metanium is reading this thread 😂.

I hope your partner doesn’t have nappy rash!!

Taking a handful of teabags home is totally different, but in a relationship where I am always the one going to the other person then yes, I'll bloody well use your shower and the washing machine! Are you expecting him to visit her and have a cold shower?

Some of the replies are batshit!

I wouldn’t have minded the apple or using the ointment but not the taking handfuls of tea bags?! That part was weird! How did he use up an entire tube of ointment?

Your boundaries are not quite as low as the ops.
The apples were for her children and he just helped himself. He took the ointment that was needed by someone else and used way too much and not replaced it, and you wouldn't mind that? At least you thought the teabag grab was weird!

I’d say, “oh I see you used all the ointment, can you replace it next time you visit?”
”you finished the kids apples, please replace them next time.”
”would you mind asking please? Some of these things are set aside for my lunches/kids snacks/an emergency”

Absolutely no way. After the first incident of taking something she should have told him not to take things without asking. The second time he does it she should have said ' goodbye "

You are begrudging a tea bag, apple and medicine for someone you supposedly care about?
You've got to be this clown of a boyfriend for coming out with this corker! No one would begrudge an apple, teabag or a bit of cream. However I would definitely begrudge some who took , without checking when I had just enough fruit for my kids, someone who took way too much of a needed cream and didn't replace it and takes a load of teabags!

Thats weird and right. Or you don’t really like him. I dont even like him and he isn't even stealing from me!

I think you should go into his house / his fruit bowl / his stash and take/ eat stuff. And repeat his words back at him ‘oh you don’t mind if I just help myself.’ The trick is the tone - super light hearted and cheeky so he has it mirrored back to him. He should get the message. Then steal something and dump him!

I think if you go into anyone’s home you do not take things. If they are low income in particular and have kids why not bring some treats? They don’t have to be expensive, just thoughtful.
Teabags are now becoming so expensive, they are no longer cheap and cheerful. Taking handfuls is an act of defiance and aggression to me - fuck you and what you need.
I think this man is absolutely disgusting. I could not have him in my home or near me.

He thinks that he is entitled to use or take anything of yours, even if it was for your children. He's showing you that he really doesn't care about your children so why are you allowing him to be around them?

What does he bring to the relationship that enhances or supports it? How does having him around improves your children's lives?

Try doing the Freedom Programme online, designed by a DA charity to help women spot red flags and improve their boundaries so they don't sleepwalk into another (but different behaviours) abusive relationship. This man is quietly eroding your ability to say no, even when it affects your children. And that's fucking scary. Wake up.

Absolutely entitled. I ask my DH of 40 + years before raiding the cupboard of snacks/drinks he bought. At times I promise to stock up in the morning. He always says yes, I just don’t want to find that I had taken the last cold beer that he was saving for later just because I was too lazy to go to the shop to stock up (he doesn’t drive so has to walk with the stuff).

It sounds controlling to have to ask for goodies from your own home, actually it is just a bit of respect. If I am saving that last spoon of hummus to go with my toast at lunch - I expect it to be there.

Say this to his face.
I’m not going to let it slide about the ointment so replace it. And your manners are putting me off. Define cocklodger to him and ask for a change of behaviour and an apology.
If not, LTB before he ends up on your mortgage.

joe, that ointment is a pain to replace, that’s why I’ve asked you to replace it since you’ve used it all up. Please do that tonight as I don’t like being without items in my medical supplies. And if you’re not willing to replace things just don’t touch them to start with. I have supplies and food at home for my kids, you can stock your home with things you need.

Send him a link to order the ointment and don’t reply to any of his messages until he’s confirmed that he’s ordered it to your house.

Then have a long hard think if you want to remain in a relationship with this bum.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk is important for you to do.

If your self esteem was strong this guy wouldn't be near you, your home or children.

Tell him firmly to stop helping himself to your things without asking you first you are not the local foodbank.

I despair with posts like this. Someone in a relationship should be able to talk freely and openly with their partner. They should be able to discuss "problems" like the OPs and come to a resolution. If they can't actually "talk" to their partner, then the entire relationship is built on sand and is destined to be doomed. People shouldn't be tip-toing around their partner as it shows a complete absence of "togetherness" nor mutual respect etc if one partner is effectively frightened of talking to the other.

I would totally not mind if it goes both ways and he is also very generous eg bringing a tray of donuts for the kids when he comes over, bringing a bag full of food and drink occasionally , buying you an iced coffee on the way over. That kind of person is easy about taking but also giving and then it is quite a nice thing in my book

but someone who just takes (the teabag thing is odd!) can just get lost

Like, I have a friend who helps himself to food in my fridge, but he also at other times pops in with an entire bag of groceries with things he thinks I would like 😁 so then it is kind of cute imo

You see it’s perfectly normal to take an apple from a fruit bowl. But stuffing tea bags into his pocket? Oh dear.

Thank you all. I'm still here and reading replies. Nice to know I'm not being ridiculous and 96% of people think he's taking the mick.

So the latest is that he's said he's going to replace the ointment, by going to a shop. I've explained that I understand it's difficult to get hold of now and is generally only available online.
So if he's being sincere, then he's more than likely going to waste his time travelling around trying to find this impossible-to-find ointment and then realise he has to get it online anyway.
My fear is that it's just lip-service.
I've made it clear it needs replacing, regardless of how that is achieved.

Bejesus, what has my life become...!

You’re in danger of making this all about the ointment (to him). Have you talked to him about his general attitude?

I haven't tip-toed. But you know when people choose not to hear you until you absolutely lose your rag...? I guess it's kind of like that.
The boundaries are ignored, my assertiveness is brushed off...he seems to just think I'll eventually back down/get off his case about stuff. All he's doing is cementing the divide.

I am trying. Meanwhile this is all quite helpful in terms of building my own character and realising what I do and don't want in my life.

You'll never see the replacement. It would require too much effort on his part.

Ban him from visiting again until he replaces what he owes you. Send him a detailed list.

And just where did I state that she should stay with him?????

I have no idea why OP is giving this man any kind of chance.
Taking that ointment and using the tube is contempt. And contempt is the ultimate in destroying relationships.
It is not about the tea bags or apple. It is man walking into a home where resources can be limited and stealing them. From kids.
It is absolutely disgusting.

Ok Op, this what I think will happen next. He go into one of the big chemists, they'll say they don't stock it so he'll buy a cheaper one instead. When you say it's the wrong one he'll say the chemist said this is just as good.