Boyfriend.. entitlement behaviours.

[ShudderIck]

AIBU?? To be irked that the guy I'm seeing helps himself to stuff in my house.

It started with things like teabags, or he'll just take an apple from the fruit bowl and start eating it. I have started commenting saying "oh don't mind that was for my kids, you just help yourself!!"
I don't mean making a cup of tea, I mean stuffing a handful of teabags into his pocket whilst declaring he needs to get himself some more peppermint tea. In a rheotorical "it's alright for me to take these, isn't it" kind of way.
Lately he has used something from my first aid cupboard, but to excess and as a result theres now not the supply of it that I'd normally keep. He wasn't freshly injured, he had a mild ailment that he has used this ointment on..but poured it excessively and without consideration that it costs me hard-earned money. I'm trying not to be too outing, but it is something that's now hard to get hold of and going for £20 a bottle online.

I am feeling a bit taken for granted, in many aspects of my life.... and it's something I'm working on in therapy.

But I am really struggling with whether I am being dramatic to be pissed off with this behaviour?
I was very much brought up with the manners that you don't help yourself to things in people's homes. Even with my best friend of a decade, I wouldn't just start eating her food without asking first or waiting to be offered.

But yet boyfriend just takes and takes without consideration.
I can't do the same at his, I wouldn't anyway, but his place is such a bachelor pad that he doesn't have things I could use to excess/take anyway.

My fear is that I'm dating a cocklodger, but I'm worried I'm being OTT.

So..would this annoy you?

Shoving things into his pockets? Stop inviting this man round!

No, he knew I wasn't giving permission. He'd picked it up and took a huge bite whilst I had my back turned, then I said that and he apologised.
Thing is.. he'll do it again under the guise that he forgot.

Fuck. Writing that down makes me wonder if he's another abuser. 🥴

What I mean is that you didn't say "can you please not do that, those are for my children", you just made a sarcastic comment. He knows you aren't going to stand up to him

It is no crime to be single. End the relationship.

No, I wouldn’t like that either, unless you have a ‘help yourself’ philosophy, but that usually implies make a cup of tea if you want one, not steal my teabags and ointment. It’s the lack of asking also.

Chuck this one back. He’s not respecting boundaries.

I think both.

I struggle financially myself, so I am definitely not well off.

Yes it is about his attitude of entitlement.

Even if the things seem small to you now, if he is allowed to continue he will take things that cost you more (without ever replacing them).

The sharing of items when living together works if both people contribute. Nothing about his behaviour suggests he would contribute anything useful.

Tell him outright that he's annoying you and that he's taking you for granted. Both passion killers. If you like him otherwise, this will give him a chance to stop? If he doesn't, yeah, time for him to go! Some people genuinely think things like this are ok as have been together for some time, he just needs to be reminded it's not.

Has he got an 8 inch cock that spunks Gold Coins? If not, I can’t work out what you are doing with him

Well I am trying to.

Regarding the ointment, I made a comment in person about him needing to replace it. And I've told him in numerous messages over the last week that he needs to order some.

So let's watch this space. Because I think this might be the straw that breaks the camels back in all honesty....!

I’d watch out for how universal that trait of his is. Crossing boundaries and a sense of entitlement is one thing when it’s apples a d tea bag’s, it’s another in the bedroom.

A different but similar idea ended a relationship for me. It was Christmas and my partner hadn't got me a gift. I'm not materialistic so normally wouldn't really have been bothered. BUT they'd got a friend a Christmas AND a birthday (bday 27th of Dec) gift. Really thoughtful gifts too. While getting me nothing.

I said nothing. But by 1st Jan I'd ended our relationship. Thoughtlessness is so unattractive.

Boundaries op, your kids come first: of course an apple here n there fine; but who goes to someone’s house and blatantly shoves a wad of teabags in their pocket?! Tea and coffee are not cheap these days! As well as the CF behaviour, the bad manners would put me off!! Even at my lifelong friend’s house, I would not take anything without asking!

From now no sarcastic comments; you are now best to firmly say, no pls don’t eat that, it’s for kids pack up; and sorry, I’d rather you ask first in future if you want to take any teabags Etc. and say firmly pls can you order me some tcp, we are all out as you used a huge amount in one go. It’s the only way with people like this, don’t let him wriggle out of it. His actions then, after youve said this, will show u who he is

How many times to people have to hear this, when they SHOW you who they are belive them, hes pushing bounderies to see have far he can go, and you asking him to replace stuff and him not doing so is showing you that he will do what he likes, whats yours is his and you can just shut up and put up with it.
At least hes showing you before moving in so you have chance to cut your losses.

I had one like this, he went on to start seeing a total nut job that love bombed him out of 50k in savings I call her Karma. lol he would never have spent that on me.

He sounds like hard work, OP. The ointment and apples are just symptoms of the type of person he is. This is his personality and that won’t change. By staying with him you're setting yourself up for more of the same.

As he’s giving you mental stress why are you still with him ?

You don’t need to give drawn out explanations for ending the relationship. You could just say you’d rather be on your own for now. End of.

Totally agree.

Good for you. When they can make the effort for some and not others, it's a choice isn't it!

Borrowing your car. . . .for a few days would be next I think.

I wouldn't be bothered, just kick this one to the kerb.

Even if somebody explicitly said to me help yourself to anything, I would still not just help myself to anything. I've been given tea bags for example when I've said to a friend 0h I need to get some more and she's said take some with you and vice versa. I wouldn't dream of just shoving some in my pocket. As for the ointment, he'll carry on 'forgetting' I would just say to him oh just give me the cash and I'll get it myself. Would it be enough for me to end things? probably. But I just feel so irritated by things now that didn't used to bother me anywhere near as much.

It's a very selfish and unattractive quality. It would give me the ick to be honest. The fact you have asked him to replace the lotion and he hasn't is a real middle finger and he is telling you very clearly who he is and how he regards you and your belongings. It's not even about the money really it's the entitlement and disrespect. It's bit like the ick I get at buffets when people just pile their plates high rather than taking a bit and coming back for seconds once everyone has had a chance to get something they would like. I can't abide greed and selfishness in this way and have no interest in sharing space with people who think it is ok.

Why are you with this person ? Shut the door behind you Joe, you cfer.

mine helps himself to food and drink but he always offers to replace and doesn’t take stuff to use at home! He will ask if I have a glasses wipe/plaster etc and not just help himself to those

He's an arsehole. Dump!

I don't like the sound of him, OP. I think you should dump him. It would worry me that his behaviour would escalate... what's next? Looking through cupboards? Looking through your bank account? Ok maybe the last one is far fetched but it's that sense of entitlement that is insufferable.

Oh OP this resonates... I agonised over why I got so wound up with how my ex would knock on doors. He'd arrive, peer through our lounge windows (leaving a greasy forehead print), then come into the porch and rap loudly on the internal door. Like he expected to jump and not keep him waiting. I noticed him do this at his parents house... would just go in and not knock so I assumed it was his childhood home as he was so familiar, but they'd only moved in a year beforehand. This really bothered me as its not how I behave but told myself I was being picky. But no... it was just a sign of worse behaviours....a host of disrespect, greed, entitlement and man-baby behaviour. The gut knows... LTB