Boyfriend.. entitlement behaviours.

[ShudderIck]

AIBU?? To be irked that the guy I'm seeing helps himself to stuff in my house.

It started with things like teabags, or he'll just take an apple from the fruit bowl and start eating it. I have started commenting saying "oh don't mind that was for my kids, you just help yourself!!"
I don't mean making a cup of tea, I mean stuffing a handful of teabags into his pocket whilst declaring he needs to get himself some more peppermint tea. In a rheotorical "it's alright for me to take these, isn't it" kind of way.
Lately he has used something from my first aid cupboard, but to excess and as a result theres now not the supply of it that I'd normally keep. He wasn't freshly injured, he had a mild ailment that he has used this ointment on..but poured it excessively and without consideration that it costs me hard-earned money. I'm trying not to be too outing, but it is something that's now hard to get hold of and going for £20 a bottle online.

I am feeling a bit taken for granted, in many aspects of my life.... and it's something I'm working on in therapy.

But I am really struggling with whether I am being dramatic to be pissed off with this behaviour?
I was very much brought up with the manners that you don't help yourself to things in people's homes. Even with my best friend of a decade, I wouldn't just start eating her food without asking first or waiting to be offered.

But yet boyfriend just takes and takes without consideration.
I can't do the same at his, I wouldn't anyway, but his place is such a bachelor pad that he doesn't have things I could use to excess/take anyway.

My fear is that I'm dating a cocklodger, but I'm worried I'm being OTT.

So..would this annoy you?

I know you don’t want to source the stuff yourself, but I would be sending him a link to eg EBay or wherever you can still buy the stuff.

Clearly tell him it’s not available in shops any more as it’s been discontinued which is why you are so bothered about getting it replaced. I would spell out that he won’t find it in shops and NOT to buy an alternative the pharmacist recommend, you want that one to be replaced as you bought it for a reason.

I will be intrigued to see what he does-please report back and don’t let him go to the shop without that information first.

He is aware. I did send a link a while ago, I have told him more than once that I believe this ointment is now hard to source and expensive. It's on him if he wants to waste his time trying to get some in person, but I will absolutely be getting it replaced, and soon, that's a non-negotiable.

I am NOT spending my own money on replacing this item, when there was plenty available before he got hold of it.

I completely get it, OP.

Unfortunately, I’ve married one just like this and it almost feels too late (and yes, my self esteem was low when we met). He’d use my toiletries in the shower (annoying in itself as he’d use loads of my nice shampoo as a full body wash product), then leave the lid open so all the shower water would go in, thus diluting the product.

He does it to our autistic son now (goes into his bathroom and uses his hair products and never puts them back properly, hence our son notices as he’s very particular)…it’s not that our son wouldn’t share, it’s that his dad just bowls in without asking like the entitled twat he is.

Definitely explain the mental load aspect to him and see what his reaction is.

But you know when people choose not to hear you until you absolutely lose your rag...?

Honestly, no. That has never happened to me. If someone is ‘brushing off’ your assertiveness, then you’re not being assertive enough. I’m not saying this to be unkind!

I dont think youre compatible with each other and this is starting to become obvious to you.
The things he does annoy you and he is not even a frequent or reliable partner which makes me think that you dont mean much to him either.
I guess he used the metanium as toothpaste ..( Unless he had crotch-itch ).
He isnt aware of your attention to detail.

@ShudderIck

I predict that he's going to show up with some cheap generic run-of-the-mill creme and say "I couldn't find XX, they told me at the shop that this is just as good. So here you go, job done!".

My advice is just dump him and be done with it. There are better men out there and you deserve one of them!

Will just leave this here, you must’ve heard it before:-

You need to give a deadline and a consequence with this character if you want anything doing. Otherwise you are a ‘nag’ - some noisy thing he will ignore and you will give up.

It comes down to you when dealing with these types - never have to ask a second time because by then the deadline has passed and the consequence has kicked in. But you have to ask yourself why CHOOSE to discipline and rein in a grown arsed man. He’s arrogant and entitled, ignorant and deliberately pushing your buttons. He doesn’t care for you

It's your children I feel sorry for because women like you inevitably end up short changing them when your focus is on arseholes rather than them.
As is the case here.
All this energy being used to get him to replace something you need for your children, because he used some of it and STOLE the rest.
Poor children.
Wake up.

That's madness.
My children are fine. They don't drink tea anyway so the teabag thieving hasn't affected them.

What do you mean by "women like you" ??

Women who are distracted by awful men short change their children.
He is awful.
He is dishonest.
He is causing you stress.
He isn't worth it.

Of course children get short changed when their parents are stressed and distracted.
You are stressed by him ripping you off.
You deserve better.
Wake up to that.
Don't be used.

Why would you want suchba person around you, using you?
Around your children?

Have you dumped him yet @ShudderIck ?

Well I wouldn't even have my children if it wasn't for the likes of awful men...so there's that.

Sometimes you don't realise what you're in until someone's behaviour shows you and can then act accordingly..and I understand the courage it takes to leave an abusive situation, trust me.

DP and I when we first started dating would spend equal time at each others houses. So didn’t bother me when he helped himself as I did same at his house. we knew what each other liked and topped up.

but after 2 years I never went to his due to travel and petsand he was at mine. It got draining and resentful that I was buying food shopping for him being here 4/5 days. Sometimes more.

he didn’t see it as taking advantage of me as he confessed he only bought food when he needed it. I did a weekly shop. We argued and he saw my point. Only as my food bill massively went up as he was fussy.

now he has practically moved in. We have a joint entertainment account which includes food shopping. This is split 50%. If he goes home, he takes some food.

why don’t you ask for this.

Have you had any counselling? As repeatedly choosing these abusive or loser men is a pattern

She's already discussed what cream it is if you read all her replies.

Not from what I can see? Not that it matters but I can't see what it was from any replies.

Metanium. Which is now harder to find than hen’s teeth!

I think that poster was trying to say that all your anger/annoyance and grumbling is taking away your energy and focus from your children. It's taking away your happiness and peace. The time spent reminding this waste of space to replace the ointment etc could be time with the children. Your children might be fine in the grand scheme of things but why waste this extra on him.

They also means the money. Just because the children don't drink tea doesn't mean they aren't affected. You need to find money to replace those teabags, or apples etc and that money could have been spent on a treat for the children, or savings. It all adds up. Stealing those teabags means he is stealing money from your children's future. A quid here, a quid there, could add up to twenty quid a week, which is eighty quid a month. That is what the poster meant. This man is not worth it, your children are. You are!

He is still inconveniencing you because you have chased him up frequently, already gone to the bother of looking for it online (I'm guessing you must have looked, as you said it wasn't easy to find) and it is essentially still on your "to do" list until he replaces it. I don't think you'll feel any sense that he has taken responsibility for it even if he does replace it now - plus he'll probably try to pass you off as some kind of nag in the process.