AIBU to feel awkward being excluded from my cousin's wedding when she’s coming to mine?

[worryingday]

Me and my cousin are both getting married next summer only about a month apart. We are inviting the whole family including them. They are inviting almost all the family (including other cousins) but excluding us… We are having similar sized big weddings, ours is slightly smaller. They haven’t explained why we’re excluded. We’re still as close as ever, see them regularly along with all the other family members who are invited, and they have accepted our invite (obviously hasn’t officially gone out yet).

I know you can invite who you like but it just feels really awkward with them being part of our wedding plans and getting updates but they talk about theirs and we’re not invited…

Im not going to exclude them from our wedding but AIBU to feel a bit awkward?

OP, could you just clarify that you set your date AFTER your cousin had set her date.

Why did you set your date so close to her wedding? That’s putting a lot of pressure on extended family - trying to sort out annual leave, saving for presents, clothes/ hair/ makeup, maybe travel and accommodation etc. I think this is most likely to be the reason.

It is also likely to take the shine off their day and it is only natural that people will compare the two days, especially as they are so close together.

I think you need to speak up! Talk to your cousin - not the wife- and ask for an explanation. You can talk about this til the cows come home. Stop speculating, get some courage and communicate!

I know it’s still raw for you but you might want to read through these two threads one evening

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3564973-To-just-refuse-the-wedding-invitation

Absolutely no.

id reply “but everyone else in our family has been invited.. why have I been left out?”

And I would definitely not be going to the evening.

That’s awful. I am all for letting people invite who they want to without raising a fuss but you have to say something to them about this - it’s heartless and going to cause a big rift. Do you think they’re upset you’re getting married the same year and season as them? They’re being particularly cruel to your Mum and yourself

They basically refused to reveal the date of their wedding to us! First red flag we weren’t invited…

We were going to view venues and there were limited dates available. My cousin had booked her venue months ago so had many opportunities to avoid this situation by being more transparent. By the time anyone was willing to tell us the date we were just glad that there was several weeks apart from the free date of our venue that we’d started planning around.

Also both weddings are local and at the weekend so no travel or annual leave for any of our shared family.

It may well take the shine off their day but that’s their own fault really.

Oh that is awful. Really awful. I'm so sorry that this seems to be the reason. Your poor mum.

This.

And part 2 of the thread I linked to https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3567119-The-Ten-White-Horsemen-Of-The-Apocalypse-Wedding-Part-2?page=1

I really hope that your aunts and uncles give them a bollocking. Being relegated down the family hierarchy because your dad, their brother, died, is just appalling.

I'm closer than ever to my in-law extended family since my DH died. They gathered me extra close to them after his death. So I'm appalled that anyone would do the opposite.

Why are some people so comfortable with being so rude?!

I was taught from the time I was a young child that if you’re having a party you don’t leave one person from a group out.

There’s no good excuse for this, in my opinion. You figure out your guest list and you make sure you get a venue that can accommodate them.

At this point I would send an honest message to my cousin, saying I’ve heard they might be looking to include me in the evening part of the celebration and I wanted them to know that they shouldn’t put themselves out. That you were surprised they would leave one family group out while inviting everyone else and it has left you feeling quite hurt. I would say that I genuinely hope they have a lovely day, but they don’t need to find a way to tack you on.

Out of interest - has your cousin accepted the invite to your wedding explicitly?

Maybe our shared aunts and uncles will challenge them when they find out it’s not all a mistake but my cousin’s immediate family have definitely known for months and months because my conversations with them about the wedding have been SO awkward. That also tipped me off to expect this.

Like you, I had thought we had only grown closer during my dad’s illness and following his death. So this is very painful. And goes beyond a wedding for me tbh.

And yet you will not do anything about it because you don't want to "change the vision for your wedding" lol

Well at least they've thrown you a lifeline to attend the evening after they have personalized their real friends and family

It’s funny how some people on mumsnet can be so kind and others just like to kick people when they’re down.

I totally understand your feelings. It's awful, and your dad would be so upset and angry if he knew how you and your mum have been treated.

I honestly wouldn't know where to go with this. I'm generally very against tit for tat behaviour, so I'd suggest taking your time before making any decision regarding your wedding. But I can imagine that at some point soon you might want to have a conversation where you express your hurt at this seeming demotion within the family, apparently just because your father has died.

I'm not kicking you whe you're down but sometimes we need direct words to shake us from slumber. People are advising you to stand up for yourself and you're going on about the vision for your wedding while also going on about how upset you are that they are doing this to you.

You need to ask them straight up, well it seems you've been told you, not sure if it was direct or not but you also have the right to let them know while it's their decision it definitely upsets you because you thought you were closer than that and leave it.

Its up to you to attend the evening party or not, I wouldn't. If you want to keep her in the wedding, I assume she's part of your bridal party when you're talking about wedding vision then that's on you, I wouldn't. I may leave them as guests but I wouldn't have anyone who treats me like this on my bridal party.

And frankly if things kick off and they are pressured maybe by family members to invite you, I would turn it down because it's obvious they don't want me there and I'm not charity case that needs a pity invite. I wouldn't go where someone has been forced or pressured to invite me.

Unlike many on MN I'm usually quite happy with an evening invite and feel pleased to be included. However, I wouldn't in this situation. It really would be rubbing salt in the wound and I'm sorry your cousin is so rude and stupid.

Well you were kicking me when I was down. You literally said ‘lol’.

I never said she was part of my bridal party. I’m not actually having one. My vision for my wedding is to have as much of my family there as possible, particularly as my dad will be missing.

Sorry you are being an absolute doormat. They have deliberately excluded you and possibly your mother, then my guess is family have kicked off hence the pathetic invite to the evening, I wouldn’t be going, they have showed you exactly how they feel about you

They may well have the date of your wedding saved but that’s does not mean you invite them, I would t after the way they have treated you and your mother. If they say anything I would throw back to them the same line they used to you

Give her a break. She had literally only just heard that she's definitely not invited.

And no-one should rush in with decisions and vengeful actions straight away. OP doesn't have to make a single decision yet. Both weddings are far enough away to allow calm thinking time. Sleeping on it for a few weeks does not equal being a doormat.

Are they family though? They are obviously not interested in you or your mother, something you said in an earlier post you were worried about happening after your father died because of some hierarchy

they are making you feel awkward, family doesn’t do that,

they are offering you a bone of the evening event ( and I still maintain that’s only because others have pressured them) family doesn’t do that

they may well be excluding your mother family doesn’t do that

so they are not family are they, and it’s sad you can’t see that

Every post she takes about this vision of family being there, she mentioned at the start she didn’t think she was invited but was still going to invite this cousin , then she found out her thoughts were correct and she maybe offered a bone in going to the evening event and she’s still not sure about her mother being invited

but all the way through her vision is this cousin, who has treated her badly in my book if all other family is invited, is to be invited to her wedding becasue if a vision

The cousin is not family, op is accepting what the cousin is doing to her despite many people saying she shouldnt so yes in my book shes being a doormat

she can sit and think on it for weeks but the facts are not going to change

I am not talking specifically about the op but these days people seem to be more narcissistic in the way they think, if I am not invited to something it meansd just that there is no thought of being 'excluded' same if my child is not invited same as we invie who we want only

People invite who they want to their events for their own reasons, it does not need to be a soap opera

So I invite someone and they dont invite me so life carry's