AIBU to feel awkward being excluded from my cousin's wedding when she’s coming to mine?

[worryingday]

Me and my cousin are both getting married next summer only about a month apart. We are inviting the whole family including them. They are inviting almost all the family (including other cousins) but excluding us… We are having similar sized big weddings, ours is slightly smaller. They haven’t explained why we’re excluded. We’re still as close as ever, see them regularly along with all the other family members who are invited, and they have accepted our invite (obviously hasn’t officially gone out yet).

I know you can invite who you like but it just feels really awkward with them being part of our wedding plans and getting updates but they talk about theirs and we’re not invited…

Im not going to exclude them from our wedding but AIBU to feel a bit awkward?

Haven't read all the thread, I would invite her to your evening do only now and say otherwise it feels awkward for us and my mum. Honesty is the best way, tell her your feeling are hurt, you feel excluded but will be there for her evening event and she is invited to your evening event in return. Otherwise you will always feel resentment.

Are there others in your family who can stand up for you and your mum? They could not invite your partner and just invite you and your mum, that's 3 people. Surely family over fucking work friends? JFC. If this had happened to someone in my family I would refuse to go. If my dickhead of a fiancee was not letting me have my family so everyone she wanted to go, we wouldn't be getting married. I wouldn't speak to your cousin about it for me, but i would about your mum. I'd just say to her that it's hurtful you two are the only family excluded but especially your mum when she's recently widowed, please can she rethink so your mum can join.

Alternatively could you see if another family member might be willing to drop out so your mum could go, if it is genuinely that she felt obliged to invite a load of others? Not everyone wants to go to weddings anyway. Then if someone was keen that could be suggested as a possible solution.

The reality is though any interventions won't come out well. Better to just not deal with her any more. I would find it too hurtful.

Sorry to see posts on here saying youre a doormat because you don't want to blow up your relationship with your cousin. Hopefully they are in the minority. This is shitty behaviour from cousin and her fiancé. But you just need to tell family when they ask about it that everyone in the family made the cut except mum and you. Thereby pushing the awkwardness onto the couple, and letting them be judged. But truly be emotionless about it if you can. Your cousin isnt that bothered about her own wedding so dont you be either.

And going to her evening do sounds like itll be weird. She's really created a lot of weirdness with this silly behaviour and all for a stupid wedding! I have little respect for weddings anyway but now to cause so much awkwardness and trouble over one! And to expose and introduce a pecking order over one. Really poor behaviour. But people get really silly when it comes to weddings. Venue comes first! Even before family. But yeah weddings. Id say forgive her for this because weddings can make people feel not in control. But it is fucked up what theyve done and they have caused an issue.

You are behaving normally! Responding gracefully! You are doing everything right. Dont get dragged down by this. Dont allow bridezilla to suck you into any drama with this. Just keep being the excellent example of proper behaviour. People will find out and rightfully judge them.

And just to clarify, I dont know whether you should go to the evening do, but i wouldnt want to. Amd think its understandable if you say to her "no it would be too awkward".

Invite them to your evening do only then it’s just as “fair”

We have not invited any family to DDs wedding. They are not wanted. They are the fcking problems. Work friends are so much nicer and are actually pleasant!

That is a different situation to this one where the bride and OP are close and supportive cousins. As someone who got married half a lifetime ago I no longer see most of my uni friends or work frinds from when I got married but I still see all the family members who are alive.

I think the 'disinvite them' crowd are forgetting that the rest of the family are watching and judging the behaviour of both cousins. If OP invites her cousin and attends the cousins evening the rest of the family will be on her side. If she responds tit for tat she will be viewed as equally as bad and has got what she deserves. The way to minimise the wider repercussions from this going forward is to be the bigger person.

And also, arseholes hate it when you aren't offended by their bad behaviour. Making people like the bridezilla squirm by being all 'hey, lovely to see you, how are you doing, long time no see, etc etc' is hilarious because they can't deal with it, they are wanting a confrontation or for you to hide away so they can feel like their bullying has worked. But if you're not bothered their power is gone.

I totally agree with this.

You're coming across as weak. It's not mature or reasonable or anything positive to be a doormat.

100% disagree. OP should do what she was always going to do - it will show the cousin what she should have done. All the rest of the extended family will notice, and will notice that the OP is by far the better person and hasn't let herself be dragged down by the cousin's poor choices.

OP should do what she was always going to do - it will show the cousin what she should have done.

Absolutely!

When has a bully turned round and thought this is how I should behave.

Why are you talking about bullying ?

The cousin has behaved / is behaving really badly, but this is nothing to do with bullying.

But her wife to be is picking on worryingday
and her mum

She is also throwing her weight around with the cousin.

Don’t know what you would call this sort of behaviour

Exclusion is a form of bullying, and op confirmed this type of thing has happened before.

@SummerPeonies2026 It’s not bullying. It’s not systematic over a period of time. It’s just one occasion. It’s just plain old fashioned rudeness. I’d be a bit cross but op can take back control over her wedding. Amend the guest list!

Look at the other posts. It’s not just a one off.

I’m not sure what you mean by not a one-off. From my point of view nothing like this has happened before.. that’s what made it such a shock.

Your cousin is treating you and your mum very, very badly - to leave you both out after inviting everyone else is cruel and nasty.
I don’t think I could forgive this and I would want to speak to cousin face to face, just the two of you - I don’t think she understands the enormity of what the decision actually means to you, your mum and possibly the rest of the family.
Would your mum speak to cousin’s mum and dad about how hurtful all this is? I guess probably not.
It would be just three of you as well (without your child) which isn’t much in the grand scheme of things especially as EVERY OTHER PERSON IN THE FAMILY HAS BEEN INVITED!!
I understand your hurt but I couldn’t be the bigger person in all this.
I’m not sure what you want from your post as almost everyone is saying don’t invite them and you’re saying you’re going to however badly it’s hurt you and your mum.

Your cousin’s partner has heavily loaded the dice in her favour to your disadvantage. Other family members are making this clear to them but nothing changes. I’d keep well out of this wedding and their future relationship as I suspect there’ll be a lot of trouble ahead. Marriages should be give and take.

In the 90s I had a couple of years when there were summer weddings every few weeks ( among close friends if not family) Is this one wedding a year a new phenomenon?

I can’t understand why the OP and her mother have taken second place to fiancé ‘s work colleagues though. That’s the hurtful bit.

OP said her mum had known the family since her teenage days, so the relationship goes beyond “related by marriage “

I do understand though that OP is protecting her mother here and doesn’t want a rift before her own wedding day.

You have referred to this a few times throughout your thread:

’ I don't really want to ask why because I feel like I know the answer. For her there's a hierarchy in the family I was never aware of and sadly I'm lower than my other cousins’

You have said this throughout

You also said you suspected this would happen when your father died. Leaving someone out because their father died is despicable behaviour - if he was here, your mother would definitely be invited, as you too I suspect.

Everyone's saying don't invite them, because they're not the people who would be affected by a further breakdown in family relationships.

Mumsnet threads are frequently like this. Posters come here for entertainment and encouraging soap opera-like behaviour that they don't have to face the consequences of is more entertaining than saying 'tread carefully and think through the fall out of the various options open to you'.

Sounds to me @worryingday that your cousin’s fiancee knows that cost of everything and the value of nothing - and your cousin has fallen into the same trap. They do not sound like nice or thoughtful people and I’m really sorry you’re upset.

Now you see to me the cousin’s future wife wife sounds a tad controlling. All her family and friends no compromises. Mutual friends on the cousins guest list. Cousin side compromises made. Wouldn’t you think think this is controlling? I would.

You couldn’t pay me to do this…besides being quite pathetic, OP’s cousin doesn’t want her there for whatever reason. So why on earth would she turn up at the church gate? Bizarre.

OP this sounds like a really tough situation and I would be very hurt in your shoes. Personally I would be cutting ties (I don’t say that flippantly - I am extremely close with my cousins, but this would be enough to make me do that) but I do understand why you may be reluctant to do so.
Very, very hurtful.