AIBU to feel awkward being excluded from my cousin's wedding when she’s coming to mine?

[worryingday]

Me and my cousin are both getting married next summer only about a month apart. We are inviting the whole family including them. They are inviting almost all the family (including other cousins) but excluding us… We are having similar sized big weddings, ours is slightly smaller. They haven’t explained why we’re excluded. We’re still as close as ever, see them regularly along with all the other family members who are invited, and they have accepted our invite (obviously hasn’t officially gone out yet).

I know you can invite who you like but it just feels really awkward with them being part of our wedding plans and getting updates but they talk about theirs and we’re not invited…

Im not going to exclude them from our wedding but AIBU to feel a bit awkward?

I’d still invite her let her feel awkward on your wedding day . It’s a horrible thing to do though.

It’s hurtful, I hope your Mum is invited although in her shoes I would graciously decline the invite.
If you’re invited to the evening only then I personally would not go.
Sadly you have been shown that you are not as close as you thought, no cousin who was that close to you would allow you to be dropped in favour of work colleagues/uni friends.
If you don’t invite them to yours after telling them the date etc then you’re going to look vengeful and petty.
I would still invite them but phase them out from other aspects of your life before and totally afterwards.
I wouldn’t waste energy and time getting more upset, but I certainly wouldn’t accept a pity invite if they back track now.
Good luck with your own wedding.

How does your Mum feel?

Yanbu that is proper awks. I'd first ask close family about it, then i'd ask her directly.

First of all I'm sorry for the loss of your dad. This must still be raw.
Yes I think she is being an enormous arse about this but presumably there is an aunt/uncle also involved unless she is planning it all alone.
When the other relatives ask you can say that you and your mum weren't invited and it was a huge disappointment after losing your dad.
Personally I wouldn't attend the evening do if invited. She has had some pressure from a relative and is throwing you a bone.
You are a better person than me as if my cousin had done this I would only send her an evening invite... Match the (dis) respect.

I say this respectfully bearing in mind your earlier responses.

You insist cousin has to attend your wedding. I disagree but ......

If you attend her wedding evening do, you truly are being a push over

I had a party recently and afterwards I realised one friend and her family not only weren’t there but I don’t recall any communication saying they couldn’t make it.
obviously they were invited. Yet I fear I forgot to actually invite them!

Op, don’t hide from ANYONE that you aren’t invited; that you are very upset, you don’t understand why, and you won’t be uninviting her from yours because that wouldn’t feel right. Everyone will see how unreasonable she is.
i would say very clearly ‘like fuck am I accepting your ‘people are criticising me’ tacked on invite to your evening do.
people are criticising you because you’ve been frankly quite nasty and cowardly about it to boot.’

Just caught up on all of your posts.
i’m So sorry, it’s awful when you find out you’re not as important to someone as they are to you. Happened to me several times and it really hurts x

OP, in answer to your question, you’re right to feel disappointed, but I don’t think you need to feel awkward - it’s not you doing the wrong thing. It’s so divisive to invite some cousins and not others - the fault lies fairly and squarely with your cousin and their spouse-to-be. And as far as inviting your cousin to your wedding is concerned, you are doing the right thing if you come from a large and close family - it’s your cousin who’s in the wrong, but there’s no reason why you shouldn’t invite her to your wedding. I’m astonished that the cousin’s family haven’t said to her that she can’t not invite you because it would be so rude and pointed and indeed unkind after the death of your DF. Stick to your guns, OP: you’re doing the right thing, and while you are entitled to feel hurt by your cousin’s actions, you don’t need to feel awkward about it. I hope you have a fabulous wedding day, and that the sun shines for you.

U der no circumstances should you attend the evening do. Have some self respect!

This wouldn’t sit right with me and I’d have to ask why I wasn’t invited. Just have the conversation, ask gently but politely why you haven’t been invited, ask if you’ve upset her or offended her but do this directly, not through a third party.

No chance I’d be going to the evening do.

I think I would ask and even express hurt if that is what you feel. Otherwise, I can see this festering on at family gatherings for decades. Personally, I think it is acceptable to invite maybe one or two aunts/cousins and leave the rest out if you have a large family but leaving one family out creates unnecessary tension and hurt and for the sake of maybe four extra people at the wedding?

And the irony is that in twenty years time she'll probably still be coming to your parties (IF you continue to invite her of course) but a fair few of her more important than you wedding guests will be out of her life.

i suggest you post this on your own thread?

There's always one who blames the injured party, isn't there? 🙄 OP is not a doormat, nor is she "pathetically weak".

You might think you are superior because of what you think you couldn't do, but you are very much mistaken.

Your post is deliberately spiteful and unhelpful unhelpful and and adds nothing useful to this conversation.

I think this is really weird too and I’d be inclined to ask them in truth. I’d say something like: I understand you had to lower numbers and couldn’t invite everyone, however I feel as though I’m the only relation not invited. I just wondered whether I’ve done anything wrong to cause this? I can’t think of anything but it’s made me concerned I’ve done something without realising.

@flymo2014pregnant

You can invite your cousin but not her fiancé.

So you haven’t invited some of your actual friends to your wedding because you have to invite family members that don’t care about you? Why??

Op, as you’ve not been invited do you really want them at your wedding? You’ll be thinking about the rejection every time you lay eyes on them and that’s not the vibe you need for your day - out of sight out of mind. For your own peace, I think it’s vital you uninvited them.

Your wedding is first, so everyone will have a great time (cousins excluded, if you’re not good enough for them they’re not good enough for you), and your cousin will see what it feels like to be excluded from something everyone else is atttending - as they obvs don’t see an issue in hurting you this way, and inviting them just reinforces that they haven’t done anything wrong.

with kindness, you really don’t want to have to see those fakers on your special day. And you don’t want them talking about their wedding - that you’re not invited to - on your day. They will take the shine off you with no second thought, you don’t need that. It’s going to be an emotional day as it is with your father absent, you need to be able to be vulnerable around people who you wholeheartedly trust, who love you and most importantly respect you

I would be the bigger person and not change my plans to invite them, regardless of their intentions to me.

It will make them look ridiculous and petty anyway.

They can invite who they like, but there's a price to be paid, whatever choice you make. You just have to be willing to pay it.

My SIL did it to some family without warning, and the backlash was huge. 15 years in and the rifts never healed - it splintered DH's close family. (I thought it karma, tbh, because she tried to ruin my wedding and had another go after our honeymoon by suing the bridesmaid dressmaker because she decided she didn't like the dress after the wedding, even though she approved it. She didn't even pay for the dress, nor was it expensive).

My cousin's child is currently causing bad blood because she left some local family off her 21st list, including me. She's now doing it again with her wedding and a lot of family/friends have moaned to me about it. I'm glad I'm not invited because the expectations on guests are OTT.

This is a very good point. I know you have a vision of your wedding but surely that changed anyway with the very sad loss of your dad. I think it would be entirely reasonable to tell the cousin that it feels awkward that you aren’t invited to their wedding and so you feel they perhaps they feel equally awkward that they are invited to yours. The situation is also making things difficult for other family members.

Tell them you’re happy to release them from their obligation to attend your wedding with no hard feelings.

Then pick a dear friend to take their place.