AIBU to feel awkward being excluded from my cousin's wedding when she’s coming to mine?

[worryingday]

Me and my cousin are both getting married next summer only about a month apart. We are inviting the whole family including them. They are inviting almost all the family (including other cousins) but excluding us… We are having similar sized big weddings, ours is slightly smaller. They haven’t explained why we’re excluded. We’re still as close as ever, see them regularly along with all the other family members who are invited, and they have accepted our invite (obviously hasn’t officially gone out yet).

I know you can invite who you like but it just feels really awkward with them being part of our wedding plans and getting updates but they talk about theirs and we’re not invited…

Im not going to exclude them from our wedding but AIBU to feel a bit awkward?

Dear cousin, I’ve heard on the family grapevine that you’ve booked your wedding day and hen do, so pleased for you. Just checking whether we need to keep some dates free?

answer will be clear within 24 hrs, likely sooner.

As this is someone you see regularly, and feel you are close to, then you need to just ask her.

Say that other cousins have said they've been invited and they've also been invited to the hen do whatsapp group, but you haven't, so you are wondering what is up and how come only you (or is it you and your Mum) haven't been invited ?
Then you will find out if it is a mistake, or you will make her explain it.

Otherwise it is just going to eat you up.

You must know that you’re not being unreasonable to feel awkward.

Because it’s utterly bizarre that it’s happening. Extremely bizarre.

Please just ask her and put us all out of our misery. I can’t bear it.

It’s so odd that someone needs to ask your cousin what’s up. You are obviously close enough if you were invited to the engagement party. There’s either a misunderstanding or your cousin is actually a bit of a arsehole because excluding you is incredibly unkind.

I honestly don’t think you could improve on this ^

It's fairly basic wedding etiquette to invite everybody at the same level, unless there are serious reasons not to. So you invite all siblings or none, all aunts/uncles or none, all cousins or none. Not a hard and fast rule of course. It's natural to feel hurt if you have been left out but your cousin is the one who should feel awkward. Anyone asks you why you're not going tell them to ask her.

Yes this is the approach we took. It either had to be a tiny wedding and invite none of them or a big wedding to include them all. And sadly some of my friends didn’t make the cut as a result. But I suspect they’ve prioritised all their friends and didn’t have quite enough space left to invite their whole family.

I also feel like if someone invites you to their wedding you invite them to yours in future (unless it was a tiny wedding or something). But they haven’t done that either.

Guys we’re not invited. It’s now official. I knew we weren’t already though. But yep my fears were correct.

They’ve just said they ‘couldn’t include everyone they would have wanted because of limited space’ and had limited space left after uni and work friends. No acknowledgement of the fact that they have invited everyone else in the family.

That’s really rubbish, I’m sorry. Is your mum invited?

What about your mum? I'm sorry your cousin is just a bit ill-mannered.

You said the bride had been planning what wedding she wanted for 10years. Did they have everything planned and booked then you booked a date close to theirs?

That is so shit. Sorry Op, that would be a tough one for me to get over.

Whose wedding is first? I wonder if there is a bit of jealousy.

I think a lot brides would be a bit annoyed having a close family book their wedding so close together. It’s a huge expense for people especially if having hen and stag dos too.

Sorry to drip feed but another reason why this is so upsetting is that my dad died last year. He was the brother of cousin’s dad.

I always had this tiny fear that with my dad gone we would suddenly be left out of things, like his siblings (my aunts and uncles) would just not be as bothered anymore about us. But I told myself I was being silly and we were all so close that would never happen.

And now it feels like that’s exactly what has happened. Especially if my mum isn’t invited either.. that’s still not actually clear.

Nothing martyrish about deciding to honour her own original invitations.

Well, that is pretty shitty on her part. Very hurtful for you. And why would she invite your mum and not you?

Just seen your update nvm. Ew on her part

I think you should send a nice message but express your disappointment and especially your mum, and see what she says

I think that is maybe even worse - that they would exclude their brother's/uncle's widow and daughter!

Oh god guys just when I thought this couldn’t get any worse.

They’ve said something vague about inviting me to the evening do. That feels even more awkward. To then have to show up in the evening when every other family member has been there all day and seen the service… what do you think?

Sorry @worryingday about the loss of your dad and being excluded. I hope you have a really lovely wedding for yourself, do you think they might rsvp that they can’t make yours? I don’t think I could attend a wedding of people I’d excluded from my own, what brass neck!

Gosh, OP, having seen your latest updates - that’s pretty awful behaviour from your cousin and her fiancee.
Sorry they’ve been so thoughtless/unkind/whatever the right word is.
Hope your own wedding is a brilliant, fabulous day

No I wouldn't go to the evening part.
So sorry @worryingday you've been snubbed, you're now an afterthought to save face ( theirs).
I'd distance myself quite frankly in more ways than one.
Sorry for the loss of your dad x