AIBU to feel awkward being excluded from my cousin's wedding when she’s coming to mine?

[worryingday]

Me and my cousin are both getting married next summer only about a month apart. We are inviting the whole family including them. They are inviting almost all the family (including other cousins) but excluding us… We are having similar sized big weddings, ours is slightly smaller. They haven’t explained why we’re excluded. We’re still as close as ever, see them regularly along with all the other family members who are invited, and they have accepted our invite (obviously hasn’t officially gone out yet).

I know you can invite who you like but it just feels really awkward with them being part of our wedding plans and getting updates but they talk about theirs and we’re not invited…

Im not going to exclude them from our wedding but AIBU to feel a bit awkward?

I think it's lovely to want to have as many of your family there but the question is as they treating you like family?

Anyway since she is not on the bridal party (I misunderstood when you said vision for your wedding) you can keep them invited but at least you know where you stand with them.

Don't let this spoil the joy of planning and attending your own wedding. Enjoy.

Ah OP, I’m sorry, I’m sure the exclusion really stings.

At times like this I always advise to take yourself out of the equation and imagine this was a good friend coming to you with this conundrum. Or even better, your daughter:

If they had been excluded from a big family wedding with no initial explanation, what would you tell them to do? Swallow their hurt feelings and still invite the couple that had ruthlessly cut them out? I suspect you’d be raging on their behalf - but sometimes we can struggle to treat ourselves with the same love and respect that we would give our daughters, our mums, our friends. By imagining this happening to someone else, it allows you to sidestep those personal feelings and figure out what you’d tell someone else to do.

How will you feel seeing them in your wedding photos in the years to come? In your shoes, seeing them there would make me feel like a fool.

And also most gently, what would your dad tell you to do? What would he say about his niece cutting his daughter out of the wedding - would he tell you just to suck it up? Only you know what he’d have told you to do 💐 I say this also as someone who has lost their dad and is facing a tricky wedding dilemma about how to handle his absence, so I get how hard it is, I really do.

PP on here aren’t trying to kick you, they’re just angry on your behalf. Take the time you need to really think about how this all feels and the options you have available. What’s your DP’s thoughts on this?

I would make it widely and clearly known to all your aunts and uncles that you aren’t invited. It might make you feel a bit better if you see that they’re outraged on your behalf. Personally, I think I’d be “having to re-budget” for the wedding and cutting some unavoidable costs……. I also hope you haven’t invited them to your hen do!!

I am sorry, I know this is just really shitty for you 💐

Reject the evening do invite (if it ever comes) and uninvite them from your wedding.

Meet petty with petty.

and they have accepted our invite (obviously hasn’t officially gone out yet).

how does this bit work? Are there pre invites that people rsvp to?

maybe they have excluded you for a reason? Are you getting married first?

Oh for goodness sake don't be a mug!

I would ask another family member to ask them if you’ve been invited and if not why not

Maybe you need to send all your family formal invites and exclude your cousin for the time being till you get to bottom of why you haven’t been invited. You should send formal invites anyway just so it’s clear to everyone re dates, time and venue.

I get the whole being a lower cousin thing, well I don’t but my partner and I are the ‘lower’ cousins. No idea why! so fuck them! We’ve done nothing wrong, so much so, I asked if we get married can we elope to avoid the hassle of inviting family who only can be bothered with us when it suits.

fuck your cousin she obviously isn’t as close as you thought if she’s not inviting you, uninvite her and enjoy your day with people who truly care and love you ❤️

One of my partners cousins got married a couple of years ago when I fell down the stairs the day before their wedding and broke my leg, I was never forgiven for this 🤣 even though I told my partner to go without me but he didn’t want to. Then we went to another family wedding a few weeks ago and the cousin whose wedding we missed was there and she just looked me up and down and said oh you can get to this wedding can you! So I just said Yeah cause breaking my leg is a great way of getting out of a wedding!

This poster is absolutely correct, even if you don’t like hearing it. You are lying on the floor and then being surprised when you’re treated like a doormat.

It’s understandable that you feel hurt by your cousin’s behaviour, and it’s ok to challenge this and to tell her so. Set a good, assertive example for your child.

I think your mother needs to step in and have a word with your uncle and other relatives, and explain that the lack of an invitation might irreparably damage the family relationships.

It's really poor behaviour to exclude you and your mum.

You now have a choice in how you want to react.

I personally would tell my aunties / uncles and other cousins that you and your mum have not been invited.

It's highly likely that the bride and groom themselves don't think they have done anything wrong. They need to be told by their family that they have behaved really shoddily about not inviting you and particularly your mum.

If you see them you could also point this out to them. Your mum has had a really shitty time and was really looking forward to attending your wedding and to be found out she hasn't been invited is very cruel. You can also point out how it's hurtful that all other that all other aunts / uncles/ cousins have been invited except you.

The bride and groom seem selfish and oblivious so they need to be told what dickheads they are being. I have no doubt that they have this perverse logic that because your dad has died that means they don't have to invite you and your mum - twats

People can be such selfish pricks when they get married, yes it is their day. They can invite who they like. But they need to be made aware that their decisions have ramifications and consequences

@worryingday What have your other aunts / uncles / cousins said?

@worryingday if you still want them there at your wedding, that's completely up to you.

I really wouldn’t have someone who has been so unkind to you at your wedding . You should be surrounded by people who love and support you. Your cousin does not.

I am so sad for you in the circumstances that this has happened. What a cowbag she is.

If you haven't sent out the offical invitations for your wedding, then I wouldn't send them one when you do. Leaving you and your mum out, when your dad died last year, and inviting everyone else, is 'mean girl' behaviour.

It may take a while for you to process this - you viewed your relationship one way and she obviously thinks of it another and that can really hurt. Also, if other family members knew and have gone along with it, it can be a shock - your whole perception of them and you and where your place is within the group has changed.

You may need to change how you see your wedding . I know that you had a vision of the whole family but I think if I saw them at my wedding, knowing what they had done, I would feel worse. I don't even think of it as tit for tat - I think of it as matching energy.

Maybe they feel it is ok to do this, as you are 'nice' and they know you won't make a fuss? You can be kind and also have boundaries and be assertive.

Why would you pay to have them at your wedding when they do not give two shits about you? I would uninvite them and I think you’re justified to. I think if you invite them, when you see them at your wedding, you’re just gonna get really hurt so I would have the people who care about you at your wedding. They’re just awful. I think the dreams of having some nice extended family and now over and you need to face reality. They have not bothered about hurting your feelings whatsoever. They could’ve said in the early days that they’re limited on numbers ot given some sort of excuse for not inviting you and your mum, but they’ve gone out their way to be liars. You are an absolute mug if you invite them to your wedding. Sorry. I appreciate it’s very hurtful, but they’re bastards.

Oh this is very sad @worryingday and no wonder you're upset. It's tough when things like this show you what others think of you.

It sounds like your cousin's partner is a bit of a bridezilla.

Just don't go. And if you're asked why you weren't there, simply say "Oh, you'll have to ask Cousin X" about that, in as cheery and airily a manner as you can.

I would actually ask cousin outright what’s going on and say you feel hurt by this.

That's really awful. It's as though they took advantage of your dad's death to start excluding you and your mum from family occasions.

You are obviously being the bigger person by refusing to uninvite your cousin and her fiancee. I couldn't be so restrained.

What horrible behaviour, and especially on the back of losing your dad. I would plan some lovely days out for your own little family, including your mum, so that you are not stuck at home feeling sad for the key dates of celebration leading up to and including your cousin's wedding day. Be upfront and as mild as you can about it when talking to other family members - you have all been excluded and if they want any clarification on that they need to talk to your cousin directly. A begrudgingly given evening invite just doesn't cut it. And aren't you lovely to still want to include this nastily behaved couple in your own celebration? With every family member's hard eye on them for their own behaviour, especially towards your recently widowed mum, they going to have to behave.

I don’t have any advice but I understand the feeling. My siblings have been invited to my cousins wedding in September & I haven’t. No idea why & I won’t ask but it really stings. Thankfully I don’t have to see them all at another wedding close by but I think that must be incredibly difficult for you. Good for you being the bigger person & not changing your wedding plans as you want them there but it must really hurt!

I dont think this poster is kicking when your down. I think you should say "As you are not inviting me or my mum you are uninvited to my wedding as I just wanted close family and friends and realise that to you I am neither.
Im sure you will understand and hope you do take this personally."

Hi op, you said cousin and wife excitedly accepted invitations from you so you don’t think they have a problem with you. Some people are just takers, they will avail themselves of your hospitality and get to have a celebration and great time not just with you but your mutual family and friends. I don’t know them but this is one take on it. How do you know about the evening invite? Was it actually direct from them?

I get this and I usually think like this too but similar to the op my dad also died last year and my cousin is getting married this year and she had invited the whole extended family apart from me, my sister and our families. And it hurts. It’s like now that my dad is no longer here we’re no longer part of the family. So I can understand why the OP is upset about it.

I agree with this - it would make your wedding day really weird and you’d be thinking about it too.
Edit - somehow I missed a quote which said you shouldn’t invite them!

Nowadays people invite friends over family - it’s a traditional thing that it was two families coming together - that’s no longer the case. And if the other partner is a bridezilla and wants all her friends there there’s not room for all the family.
You see it more of a traditional family centred thing.