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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just refuse the wedding invitation

1000 replies

jessicawessica · 20/04/2019 22:04

Nephew getting married in august. Been planning this massively expensive do for 2 years and he and fiancee talk about it a lot....dress code, venue, meal, etc.
Went to visit my mum today and my younger DB was also there. My mum gave us both out invitations as DN had dropped them off there.
We all opened them to find that me and DB were not invited to the ceremony and meal, just to the evening do.
I was fuming. My DD has been so looking forward to going to her first wedding ceremony so will be gutted when I tell her, especially as she adores DN s little girl.
My DB and I both said we won't be going at all now, especially as they've included a gift list in the invite and they all look bloody expensive.
I could understand it it was a small intimate do but it's for 150 people. And it's not as though DN has a large family....just his dad who will be 1 of the 10 Groomsmen, his brother, his mum and his gran (my mum).
AIBU to not go?

OP posts:
QueenofallIsee · 20/04/2019 22:06

They are not being unreasonable to invite as they see fit ( though I think them rude) and you are not being unreasonable not to go. Don’t dwell, just decline is my advice

Awittyusernameishardtofind · 20/04/2019 22:07

Yes. It’s his wedding. He can invite who he wants to turn up when he wants.

MrsWembley · 20/04/2019 22:07

Did your mum know? 150 people and there's no room for his aunt and uncle?? What's the backstory? He must have a reasonHmm

C0untDucku1a · 20/04/2019 22:09

I wouldnt go either. I didnt go to my
Nephews midweek (not even a friday) wedding when i was only invited to the evening do. The other side of the family aunts and uncles were invited.

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 20/04/2019 22:11

It depends, IF the venue is local then it might be worth going to wish him and his fiancé well ... but if it’s at all inconvenient then I’d not go.

Family doesn’t have an automatic right to be invited to weddings but talking about it infront of people who’ve not been invited is the height of bad manners. You’ve been lead to believe you’d be going and not even been informed that there’s a reason why you’ve not be. Evening do is for friends usually and locals to the venue.

Depending on your relationship, I’d tell DN father that you’re unhappy about it and why then send a congratulations card. Your DD will soon be invited to a lovely wedding - I was late teens before I attended one.

Xyzzzzz · 20/04/2019 22:11

I agree with queenofallsee just decline

eggsandwich · 20/04/2019 22:12

I would send a with regret card and enclose the gift list they sent you.

cuppycakey · 20/04/2019 22:13

YANBU not to go but YABU to get stroppy about it.

Weddings are boring shit anyway...

Original poster
jessicawessica · 20/04/2019 22:15

My mum is horrified. She is invited to the ceremony and , but doesn't want to go now either as she'll basically be all on her own....she doesn't know the Brides family.
There is no back story. We all meet up at my mum's every Sunday and chat....mainly about the wedding. My DD plays with their DD.
This has come completely out of the blue. We all just (stupidly) assumed that, as the immediate family are so small (10 members including children) we'd all go together, sit together, etc.
Now it looks like it's just my mum going on her own. She's now threatening to pull out too.
No idea what's going to happen tommorrow...probably kust not go to my mums as usual as it could be very awkward now.

OP posts:
StoneofDestiny · 20/04/2019 22:15

Send a congratulations card, decline invite and leave it at that. They obviously think 148 people are more important to them than you are, but not when it comes to gifts 😳

Graphista · 20/04/2019 22:17

I think that's incredibly rude!

Somewhat understandable if it were a very small immediate family only wedding but a big wedding to exclude family? That's not on.

Yea strictly speaking it's up to them who they invite but equally they can't demand your presence.

I'd decline in similar circumstances.

It also sounds to me as if they're only inviting as many people as they are to show off and get a load of gifts. Crass at best!

Gift lists can be useful in order to avoid the 10 toasters scenario but it's good manners and considerate to include a wide range price wise to acknowledge your guests are already spending to celebrate with you and may wish to get you something you want but that's within their budget.

Frankly I'd be wondering wtf their parents did in raising someone with such a lack of good manners.

Original poster
jessicawessica · 20/04/2019 22:18

Also, if me and DB2 decline, DB1 (grooms dad) will want to know why.

OP posts:
Spoddy · 20/04/2019 22:19

Sorry but that is really shit.... it's not a small wedding. I wouldn't go.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 20/04/2019 22:19

Grow up and go. I’ll never understand this assumption that people have a ‘right’ to an invitation to weddings.

dontdoxmeeither · 20/04/2019 22:20

That's incredibly shit. Bollocks to it, I would decline.

Graphista · 20/04/2019 22:20

DB1 (grooms dad) will want to know why

I'd be very tempted to tell him

"Because you raised an ignorant, money grabbing child who cares more about appearances than people"

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 20/04/2019 22:20

Simply tell DB1 why, don’t make a drama - it’s too much fuss for an evening invite especially given DC etc

Aeroflotgirl · 20/04/2019 22:21

Oh no, if it is going to inconvenient, I would not go. If it is not, I would go for a couple of hours. As you are not invited to the ceremony and meal, I would just get them a card. Very rude tonincude a gift list with evening do invitations.

Bookworm4 · 20/04/2019 22:21

10 groomsmen?? How many are invited to ceremony?

Dishwashersaurous · 20/04/2019 22:22

In this circumstance I think you need to say to your brother that you are surprised and a bit disappointed not to be invited to the ceremony. And that your mum is upset about having to be at the ceremony by herself

bridgetreilly · 20/04/2019 22:24

Weddings are a nightmare for everyone involved. YWBU to have made assumptions about the invitation beforehand and to have got your daughter all excited about something that wasn't confirmed. In general I would say it's fine to turn down any invitation that doesn't work for you and your family, but in this case that seems a bit petty. Just go, smile, and move on.

Greensleeves · 20/04/2019 22:24

I wouldn't go and I would tell them why. Frankly.

Your nephew is a spoiled brat with no manners. I would be so ashamed if either of mine thought it was acceptable to treat family members like this.

Saturdaycartoon · 20/04/2019 22:25

It seems as though your niece would have been wiser not to talk as much about her wedding to you, given that she only wants the invite you to the evening portion of her day.

It's a bit over the top to be fuming though, and awfully presumptions that you thought, even if you had been invited, that your daughter would also be.

Having aunts and cousins at weddings, unless there is a very close bond for some unusual reason, is not high o most people's wish list.

It should be a nice family occasion, enjoy the evening event and buy a nice gift.

Why would your daughter be invited even if you were going? Cousins are

Butterymuffin · 20/04/2019 22:25

Yes, I'd tell the groom's dad honestly that the evening invitation is a disappointment. They can't have it both ways - if it will be such a let down that you don't go, why weren't you higher up the list to be invited all day?

MrsPandigital · 20/04/2019 22:25

I'm planning my own wedding and I seriously hope I haven't caused offence and distress to my guests as you are feeling. Some of my aunts/uncles/cousins aren't invited at all, to any part of my wedding!(because I don't talk/see them often enough to be part of the big day.)

How often do you talk to/see your nephew?

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