AIBU to feel awkward being excluded from my cousin's wedding when she’s coming to mine?

[worryingday]

Me and my cousin are both getting married next summer only about a month apart. We are inviting the whole family including them. They are inviting almost all the family (including other cousins) but excluding us… We are having similar sized big weddings, ours is slightly smaller. They haven’t explained why we’re excluded. We’re still as close as ever, see them regularly along with all the other family members who are invited, and they have accepted our invite (obviously hasn’t officially gone out yet).

I know you can invite who you like but it just feels really awkward with them being part of our wedding plans and getting updates but they talk about theirs and we’re not invited…

Im not going to exclude them from our wedding but AIBU to feel a bit awkward?

Are you better looking/more successful/richer/have a nicer house/a better job/more popular? Sometimes jealousy can make people act weird.

I see you ignored the part where I said: "Ultimately I've had a vision for my wedding for a long time and she's part of it. It would feel more awkward for me and ruin the day if I excluded her."

I'm not going to ruin my day by choosing to not have someone there who I love and who has been a big part of my entire life and supportive to me through all the bad times. That is my reasoning. It's not pathetic or weak to me.

Why is your mum not invited? And by extension, you… Is this a gay marriage? Two women? Might your mum have said something?

No neither of us has ever been homophobic or anything like that. We have got on really well with the future wife for 10 years, and been very encouraging of my cousin settling down with her. We sometimes even socialise with other family members and the future wife without my cousin.

We're not sure if my mum is invited or not. I think she will be. I think they're just being weird with her because they haven't outright told us we're not invited yet / sent the invitations so there's no shadow of a doubt.

In this case, the awkward feelings are (or should be) on their part. Don't lose sleep over it; just be the bigger person.

I could understand if they were having a wedding on a much smaller scale and no cousins at all were invited, but to purposely exclude just you and your family is weird, especially if you are close .

I think @worryingday that as you suspect, your cousin's future wife has comandeered the invite list and you haven't made the cut.
As you still want to have them at yours, then I agree with @TomatoesintheGreenhouse - you'll just have to accept it.

I think what's most hurtful is until relatively recently I assumed maybe they were just inviting very immediate family and then friends. No other cousins or aunts and uncles. And then I found out that everyone else has been told the date and invited to the hen do group. And aunts and uncles are saying to me: how do you not know the date? Why aren't you in the hen do WhatsApp group? It's so awkward. It is getting to the point where my cousin will need to confront it head on because other family members are asking questions.

It’s not that, then. So, your mum might be going but I see what you mean, the vagueness stems from you not being asked.

It could be a numbers thing. Are the parents paying? Maybe a few neighbours, their friends are on the list. You got bumped out.

Could they be upset about a wedding so close to theirs..who announced first? Could they think you’ve planned things they wanted to do..or some other perceived infraction?

I’d feel disappointed about not being invited and I’d wonder if there was a reason but my first thought would be that they had a lot of friends to invite and that her side of the family is big. There is always going to be some family members that you are closer to. There is always going to be a cut off somewhere. I wouldn’t think it was nasty of them but maybe a little thoughtless.

Yes, maybe Cousin A or Aunty B are moaning to them about two big weddings coming up…

Well I’m not sure I could b be quite so civilised about it all.

Is it because you've booked yours v near theirs?

No wonder your cousin knows she can treat you like and get away with it, you are basically inviting her to treat you like a mug.

Not sure what the point of this thread is as you’re adamant that you want to be a martyr.

It's a thread asking AIBU to feel awkward. Hope that helps!

I think they're making a horrible mistake, and I can't imagine what they're thinking. What a shame, OP, but it's their problem, don't let it be yours. I think you're quite right to carry on and include them.

I'm confused. Have the invitations for your cousin's wedding been sent out? How come your mum doesn't know whether she's invited or not? Surely she was either sent an invitation it she wasn't? Or have formal invitations not been sent and it's just been word of mouth?

If the latter, I'd be assuming that somehow your verbal invitations have been overlooked. If the former, it's still possible that it was lost in the post.

What conversations have taken place that have led you to believe that you're not invited?

Just be honest with folk and say you’ve not received an invitation… perhaps she’s forgotten? Or sent to the wrong address?

Is your wedding before or after theirs? They may be angry if they’re total bridezillas who feel that you setting a date so close to theirs has taken all the attention off their wedding.

aunts and uncles are saying to me: how do you not know the date? Why aren't you in the hen do WhatsApp group? It's so awkward. It is getting to the point where my cousin will need to confront it head on because other family members are asking questions.

Presumably you've told them that you've not had an invitation?
Your choices are to ask an aunt or uncle to ask the brides if they've forgotten to include you and your mum, or to contact your cousin yourself and say that other family members are asking you why you're not included on the WhatsApp and could she clarify whether you're part if the wedding or not.

I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that your not invited. It's all a bit awkward, but ultimately someone needs to ask.

I would uninvite her. Just send a message saying - in light of not being invited to your wedding I’ve decided that it’s best if you don’t come to mine.

OP had already said, very sensibly, that she's not going to do that.

Also it would be a really explosive thing to do when, at this point, she doesn't actually know if they're invited or not.

Kindly OP, if what you say is true (that she isn’t inviting you - for some reason you don’t seem sure) then the vision of your special day is based on a relationship that isn’t real. It might be for you but clearly isn’t for her. Do you really want to include someone in your day who has shown you such disdain?

I honestly don’t get this kind of beating around the bush. How on earth hasn’t one single member of your family, invited or uninvited, not said ‘why isn’t worryingday on the WhatsApp?’ Or ‘why isn’t aunty or cousin invited’. Life would be so much easier for so many people if they just talked honestly and openly.

I think you need to put distance between you. If f she asks why say I thought we were closer than we actually are