Secretly I hate when my friends give up drinking

[CurdinHenry]

Not because I want to go in a heavy night out

Not because I think I have any right to tell them what to do

I just don't enjoy their company so much when I'm having a glass of wine and they're having a fizzy water

Thanks for the recommendation! Checking them out now.

I should get into mocktails for sure - I'd imagine a Pina Colada would still be pretty delicious.

@Tabarnak

I'm a cafe and lunch person. The friend I was talking about above is a pub/evening meal person. I always give in to her wishes and have a boring time at the pub, never quite hearing the conversation.

People are different. I value my boozy friend for other reasons so I put up with the difference in our tastes, but I do think it's a divisive factor in relationships. Another thing is - pubs are a distinct culture (proper drinkers' pubs, I mean, not dining pubs). I'm a shy introvert and feel really uneasy when she goes into a pub in the evening and immediately starts looking to join other tables and striking up conversations with strangers...it's not my scene! And we've had some weird evenings that way.

She knows I feel like this and I don't often indulge her, but it isn't that she's being selfish exactly - she just hasn't the imagination to understand that someone might not enjoy the same things that she loves.

I don’t drink and I see how boring some people are when they drink

I used to love a drink but babies and perimenopause have killed my alcohol tolerance. Two pints max occasionally or I feel like I’m dying for days after. I have lost a group of friends because of that but I realise that all our socialising for decades had revolved round alcohol and they didn’t want to be friends when I wasn’t drinking, which is sad because I didn’t feel that way about them. Most people are quite happy for me to drive or they don’t drink either so it isn’t an issue. I don't think there is anyone who I socialise regularly with who has to drink every single time and I’d be a bit concerned for them if that was the case - even if it was just a couple of glasses of wine and not a couple of bottles.

There's nothing wrong with people who don't drink. But there's also nothing wrong with being truthful that drinking alone has a different vibe to drinking with a friend.

I don't think the op or anyone else is saying they no longer like or want to spend time with friends who don't drink, I think they are saying there's a part of them that's sad about the loss of the opportunity to do an activity they enjoy and they don't want to stop.

This thread is full of horrible judgemental "if you enjoy going for a drink with friends you are an alcoholic and boring etc" but I don't think that's really fair.

But friendships adjust over time, and like many people I've adjusted to seeing certain friends for coffee rather than drinks. Doesn't mean I can't have a few drinks with others who still want to do that.

God no. My ex was an alcoholic (thankfully sober for 20 years now). FOMO absolutely not!

If your friends aren’t drinking anymore why not join a wine tasting club? That way you can enjoy your non drinking friends company and the wine tasting group.

So many people on this thread are reading PPs saying "I like a drink" and interpreting it as "I NEED a drink". Wrongly.

I agree with you, OP (and I'm one of those annoying people who rarely drinks). It's a social lubricant, it leads to bonding experiences and helps you forge connections - that's why it's so popular!

I generally can't deal with the lack of sleep after a couple of glasses of wine (bloody perimeno) but when I do choose to drink a couple of times a year I always really enjoy it, not because I'm drunk but because of the social connection.

It's obviously healthier not to drink, but alcohol is good at breaking down social boundaries, and it's not 'alcohol dependent' to say so.

They are.
But I’m also reading judgement the other way which isn’t acknowledged.
Boring. Not as able to have fun. Can’t let go. Looking to leave early. Can’t hold “loose, deeper” conversations. Someone you’d sigh and tolerate at a gathering rather than actively enjoy the company of.

As a non-drinker I’ve been judged a lot (mainly by people who don’t know me and make snap judgements about me.) But I get told that non-drinkers are the judgemental people. It cuts both ways- I genuinely don’t give a monkeys what other people do but others seem very bothered.
The Op Clearly is one of those who cares what other people do as the thread got started! More judgemental than most non-drinkers I know then!

That’s not about enjoying your own company though.

the reality is plenty of Gen X/ millennial made friends in the heady days of student bars, night clubs, all night rave or just a cadance of meeting at the pub for a catch up. They have a background of socialising with booze.

it’s easy to say dump your friends and find some who can laugh until they cry over coffee (as a coffee addict I must say I haven’t seen this in a coffee shop but let’s say it happens) but real life is most people love their existing friends too much to dump them and pick up new ones Willy nilly.

This was me too. 25 years of partying til I quit in my early 40s. I used to say 'i don't trust people who don't drink'. I mean wtf?! 😂 I thought sober people were weird. I didn't see the point in AF drinks. I drank for every single occasion and I never said I had a problem and nor would anyone else. I was a socially acceptable drinker. But yes I depended on it for celebrating, for relaxing, for social bonding, for a bad day, for a good day...

I see alcohol totally differently now, and am 4 years sober. I don't need it for social bonding or anything else I used to need it for. It takes a little while to change your mindset but when you do it's like being free because you genuinely don't want it. But explaining that to people who still drink is very difficult as they just can't see it.

Well done on your 3 years 👏🏼👏🏼 it's a great club to be in 😌😌

Well, I agree it's not nice to be judgemental either way. I don't think friends who don't drink are boring.

But I don't necessarily want to go for a drink with a friend who doesn't drink, because it isn't the same sort of evening. It's not about who's fun and who isn't, you just can't enjoy most activities solo the same way you can enjoy them with someone.

My guess is that the frustration comes when people's expectations are mismatched - one friend thinks they're going out for a drink together, the other thinks they're going for a sober chat, both ends up frustrated.

I feel like.im.equally enchanting with or without a drink lol 😁
Most people even drinking small amounts start talking shit I find it so funny when people who drink find it awkward drinking with non drinking people .
I prefer not to drink on nights out tbh I can have more fun because I'm more in control plus I always feel fresh next day and I get home safe in my car 🚗!!
I don't find it hard to be social but I'm super sociable anyways x

Agree actually... 2 drinks is the utopia! But more than that and the arguments start, and people start getting upset, and shit goes bad... Unfortunately not many people stop at 2 drinks because alcohol makes you always want more. The fun bit is the bit people crave, but the not-fun ending is often the result (unless you and your friends are incredibly restrained! 😂)

What is it you do better with a friend with a drink in your hands than with a friend who has a soft drink? I’m not judging I’m just genuinely curious.

I agree with this and I think age comes into it. I'm gen x and built up most of my long term friendships over alcohol fuelled nights out.

Probably explains the fondness I have for socialising over a few drinks.

I guess others have different experiences which might explain the strength of anti-drinker feelings!

There are lots of activities that are more fun to do with a friend than alone. Having a few drinks and getting a little tipsy is one of them.

I absolutely don't judge people who don't want to drink, it's up to them. I think the op was just saying that it's privately sad when a friend you used to socialise in a certain way with stops doing the activity you used to do together. I think it's ok to miss things when they change, and that isn't the same as saying people have to drink.

It does seem a bit like some pps feels that their choice not to drink means others should also have to stop drinking, and I don't think that's fair.

As a comparison - one of the things I do with my friends from uni is to get together to play board games (yes, I know this is a bit geeky but we like it). One member of the group's partner has decided she doesn't like to play board games. She still wants to come to our get togethers but not play. That sounds like it should be fine, but the reality is that she's visibly bored when we play and often asks that we finish earlier than we would. It changes the vibe. There's nothing wrong with us playing, or her not playing, it's just not as fun to meet together.

(Name Change) This thread makes me feel sad but thank you for your honesty, I was born with Biliary Atresia and have never been able to drink. I had my first liver operation at 5 weeks and needed a liver transplant at 17.

You are definitely not alone in your thoughts

On the whole I thought my friends understood it, I have always been the designated driver, I have had the honest heart to hearts at 2am etc, put friends to bed, I have given toasts at wedding with Appletizer and helped to clean up after BBQs, parties etc.

A few years ago we gained a new Mum friend in our group who is the only person who has said to my face that my non drinking made her uncomfortable and changed the vibe for her. She took over arranging the meets up and just started to ease me out. At first, It risked splitting our friendship group and thankfully I had the chance to move with work about 6 months later so it resolved itself.

We need more honesty in the world

I’m not teetotal but I’m one of those ‘will have a Bailey’s at Christmas and a non-alcoholic beer on a hot day’ type drinkers. I’ve never not been able to make friends or bond with people because I rarely drink. I’m pretty sure the last time I was drunk was back in the 80s when I threw up in a taxi and got very short shrift from the taxi driver 🥺 I realised me and alcohol just didn’t get on, one glass made very sleepy and two made me sick. There hasn’t been a single moment where my ability to make friends or enjoy myself has been compromised by not drinking alcohol.

I think it’s always been a complete mystery to me why drinking = fun, not drinking = boring.

The whole post is how OP needs not only herself, but also her friends, to drink to have fun.
As a sometimes drinker I don't want that. I want to have genuine friendships. I want to laugh and dance and talk with my friends. I want my friends to be happy, comfortable and confident with their own decisions.

I’m still none the wiser about what activities you do better with a drinking friend, other than drink (get tipsy) 🫤😁

Not playing a board game is not quite the same because she’s sitting out a specific activity while everyone else is playing.

As I said, I’m not judging you, I was just curious about what activities are more enjoyable with a drinking friend than a sober one.

Well, I've tried to answer clearly, I'm not sure the laughing emoji response is quite justified.

I'm not sure why you don't think that going for a drink is an activity?

But, I'm getting the impression this wasn't the honest enquiry I assumed, so I'll opt out here.

Really?! It's like the person isn't even there? Because you're drinking different drinks? This is just not my experience at all! Interesting....

Life moves on though. I think drinking and bonding over it at uni is absolutely fine. Both my kids did it and I probably would too had I gone to uni. But I think if you’re still chasing that vibe where alcohol is central to having fun, long after you’ve left uni, then that can get old for other people. After graduating my eldest said they were no longer so into the getting drunk phase and my youngest said they were already getting tired of it after their first year. Neither are teetotal but neither show signs of depending on it too much (Thank god as their dad is a recovering alcoholic).

Yes going for a drink is an activity but you said some activities are more fun when you’re drinking and I was genuinely curious as to what they were, other than drinking in itself being the activity. That’s why I put the emoji because your reply was ‘getting tipsy’ as the activity that is more fun with a drinking friend.