Secretly I hate when my friends give up drinking

[CurdinHenry]

Not because I want to go in a heavy night out

Not because I think I have any right to tell them what to do

I just don't enjoy their company so much when I'm having a glass of wine and they're having a fizzy water

I get this @CurdinHenry. I've been on both sides - as a millennial in my uni days I was the odd one who didn't drink alcohol at all (so was automatically "des" on nights out) and hated being sober around loads of drunk people, it was boring.
I have a close friend now where the narrative of our friendship has mostly been enjoying a few glasses of wine together - so not incredibly or even moderately drunk. She's recently cut back hugely on alcohol, and when we see eachother I mirror her so either don't drink at all or just have the one small glass. And whilst I still enjoy her company it definitely feels different. She's not as bubbly or animated and I guess I miss the slightly silly element of when we'd be tipsy together. And as someone else said upthread, I think we were more likely to feel able to share things when we felt a little less inhibited/anxious of talking about difficult things. Like I say I still enjoy her company but I have definitely noticed the dynamic of our interactions is different and I miss how it was before.

Well that's great you don't have any problem with drink, sadly others do....
Your fun pal who drinks with you and an absolute hoot, may go home and be unbearable, or continue to drink, be unproductive next day for work and loads of other reasons.
Yes it's more boring for you, but safer for them.
Good news is, you will always find a drinking partner, whether you would want to sip a diet coke and listen to them is another matter

I think it's normal to not like when your companions stop doing the thing you used to do and enjoy together. And drinkers can feel a bit self conscious around non drinkers. The "my god we were all shit faced that night" reminiscing is hilarious but you being the drunken fool alone is pathetic.

Yes drinking less is an option for some people.

But I know myself that I absolutely loved the feeling of the second drink, that buzz was utopia; unfortunately it wears off and then I'd spend the rest of the evening trying to find a balance of not sobering up and not drinking too much. It became an unnecessary stress.

Yes I'm different now I'm sure. The loud raucous screaming laughter probably less so along with late nights or attending occasions which I truthfully find a bit boring but use alcohol to pass the time.I'm enjoying my own life more - sorry not sorry.

I remember stopping taking drugs in my twenties and my social group always trying to lure me back in. To this day, decades later they ail proffer a line of white powder or a shake a bag of pills in my face. I shake my head every time. It's no different with alcohol, they accept me as I am now or they don't.

so you don't really like yourself without alcohol?

oh boy do you need different friends

I don't think so. I think the judgy bit and I identify myself as this is "I NEED other people to drink with me to enjoy their company" I get being irritated with people who make it their topic of conversation...the teetotal evangelists....but if they are just making a different choice of what they have in their glass then I don't see a problem.

Heavy drinkers are the people who are boring.

Exactly. Or a Virgin Mary.

Oh god they are so annoying! I will never be that non drinking patronising twat I hope.

What was unexpected for me was how some people seemed bothered by my new no drinking life even when we weren't on nights out, responding to accusations I never made.

"So I noticed you weren't drinking at the party... Is that recent... Have you stopped completely then... Yeah well I don't drink that often (I literally never asked)... Like I'd go three weeks without having a drink, I always know when to stop... I will just finish off the leftovers now from the party - a few bottles of spirits - and then I won't bother replacing"

One not close friend wouldn't drop the subject, it was like she was inventing a whole narrative in my head. I couldn't give a toss how anyone else is living their lives. I just kept nodding and trying to talk about anything else.

I've always been into fitness but I've been very focused the last year or two so that is a rock solid non preachy response to anyone who asks why I don't drink anymore.

It's interesting because I've been on both sides of this.

I enjoy a drink and have previously had all the why do you need a drink to enjoy yoirself talk from non drinking friends. I would say I'm perfectly happy without a drink, but life is just a bit more fun with one. Look at any social groups and the drinkers will be laughing more than the non drinkers. I don't think I was ever someone who tried to insist others should drink though.

Recently I've had to cut right back and my life has changed considerably. I feel (a bit) better, but what I enjoy has really changed. Being in the pub all evening is not fun any more. Dinner is unlikely to mean chatting until late. There are other things I enjoy instead, making the most of the nice weather next day rather than being tired and jaded, but what I want to do with my time has changed. Which means, my friends have changed too. I don't want to do what they want anymore.

I've always thought that the most popular social lubricant isn't KY jelly, it's alcohol.

I don’t really drink alcohol bar a Baileys at Christmas. I like myself 😊

I agree that generally in social groups which revolve around drinking the drinkers will be laughing more. How many of us feel perfectly fine the next day after drinking though? I'd rather do an activity that's fun and have a laugh without drinking alcohol and feel fine later on.

Maybe that's the difference for some people. I drink fairly often but not that much and I'm never hungover. I don't feel the need to finish off a bottle once I've started but I know many brains do feel that way.

sorry, I thought you were talking about yourself

Whereas two glasses of wine will leave me feeling bad and 3 falls into properly messy.

So much of this resonates with me! For years I would say I never had a hangover, drank regularly but not to excess. Each to their own but when I was truly honest with myself and changed I can now admit I had a “low grade hangover” for literally years!

not all the money in the world (or great nights out in Vegas) would make me want that again.

don’t stress about it OP. I’m sure you have loads of people who will happily stay connected to you and drink with you socially.

I think I may just be allergic to alcohol. One glass of wine almost knocks me out. It’s always been more like an anaesthetic than an enjoyable drink for me. Luckily it’s never impeded on my having fun with friends.

What I find difficult is when friendship /alcohol relationships and patterns change.

e.g.one friend who lives a distance from our city and has to drive. All our nights out together are non-drinking. We have a routine: non-alcoholic cocktails in one place; dinner in another; coffee in a third location. And we always have a brilliant time and a great laugh. It's all fine, no alcohol needed for either of us.

Or a friend who doesn't like the taste of wine, but always goes to the effort of buying some wine for when I stay. I'm happy to have a couple of glasses, she's happy to have juice.

But... another friend where our connection was formed over long late nights and a couple of bottles of wine... putting the world to rights and sharing things we might not otherwise have shared. That pattern changed and I'm finding our friendship is struggling to adjust - not because I'm craving a drink but because they way we shared was facilitated by wine and we've not yet adapted to sharing when we're stone cold sober. We'll get there, I'm sure.

Most difficult is siblings-in-law who have all made conscious decisions to decrease alcohol (doesn't help that in their collective decision they have taken on a collectively judgemental approach) Christmas is a difficult one to navigate. All fine if I'm hosting, I can make my own choices but last year at one sibling-in-law's house there was one bottle of wine between 5 of us. And I did feel too inhibited to ask for another bottle to be opened so I could have a second glass.

so like I said, its not the alcohol, its the judgement.

I agree but you'll get all the pearl clutchers on here to say that you're an alcoholic (which you are not ) and anyone who enjoys a drink is evil. People do behave differently when they drink/don't drink so it's natural to feel differently about a night out if people aren't drinking.

Has anyone said she’s an alcoholic? (Maybe but I haven’t read every post). I think people are just saying it’s a shame OP can’t enjoy her friends’ company when alcohol isn’t in the equation. I don’t know how old OP is but eventually things always change, either by giving up drink or getting married or having children, or becoming very career minded, you either have to adapt to those changing dynamics or lose what could be very good friends. It happens to most of our friendships as we age from say 18 to 40s when these big changes are more likely to happen.

This is absolutely not part of the diagnostic criteria for alcoholism. 😂

That's a reasonable outlook OP, if you genuinely feel that way.
These are your friends, people you have already bonded with, and unless they feel and behave differently towards you for your personal choice of beverage, then surely you could be less critical towards their choice, and be supportive of them for making a personal, and let's face it; positive health and welfare choice.

To be honest I think a glass of wine is healthier than the way most non drinkers treat themselves (not all, I know).