Secretly I hate when my friends give up drinking

[CurdinHenry]

Not because I want to go in a heavy night out

Not because I think I have any right to tell them what to do

I just don't enjoy their company so much when I'm having a glass of wine and they're having a fizzy water

Your post says more about you then them.

It's well known in the alcohol free world that quitting drinking makes some people around you feel uncomfortable about their own alcohol intake. They often go on the attack and dress it up as 'you're boring now'. Had it loads. I don't see those people any more. If people only wanted me because I drank loads , they were no longer my people.

Then don’t drink? People who need to drink to socialise are boring.

I've recently had to severely cut down drinking after a health scare. Nothing that a period of healthy living can't fix but a warning that I need to make lifestyle changes.

I'd think that my "friend" didn't give a shit about me if the fact I'm taking action to not be Very ill in few years time made them not enjoy my company.

Does your discomfort come from knowing deep down that you should cut down on your alcohol intake but feeling unable to? And therefore seeing someone else do the same triggering a feeling of shame?

I like wine because I like it. It's fun and alcohol is socially bonding. I am not uncomfortable with it. I just enjoy being with those people less because we're less on the same level. I don't like very heavy drinkers either. Sober beverages just make me feel dysphoric. "Oh here's some mother root".

I’ve had to properly cut down. I was drinking every night then binging on a weekend, it wasn’t good. I have told all my friends I will not be drinking or maybe only having one, sometimes, and none of them cared. What is it to you what they choose to do?

No. It comes from being sad I enjoy the company of some of my friends less!

If I really enjoyed skiing and someone gave up skiing I'd be sad but I wouldn't feel "bad about my ski habit".

I agree with this. What difference can it make to you what liquid is in their glass.

Are you incapable of having a good time unless you’re pissed?

Totally agree. It's relationship redefining. For me, I eventually figured out it wasn't the alcohol but the shift in how we spent our time. Dunno what it'll be like in 10 years though as more and more of my friends are kicking the booze.
Probably just me in the park with a carryout shouting at the birds about the fun I used to have 🤣🤣

I dunno, i get it. We had friends this weekend. We all drink less now. I wasnt drinking myself. It was less relaxed, carefree. Less fun.

Alcohol disinhibits. It promotes a sort of hedonism that can be fun, its a social lubricant. when having a drink or two people tend to find things funnier, avoid dull/serious conversation matters.

This doesnt mean its good, or necessary, or that you cant have fun without it. Of course you can. But pretending it doesnt have these effects is daft.

I am never pissed. But a couple of glasses of wine are a fun activity with a friend. A couple of glasses of diet coke less so. That's something I would generally reserve for second tier Day Friends.

Yeah it reminds me of the kind of friendships my mum had. Stiff and formal and no candid connection.

I hear ya. I'm the non drinker now after years of excess and I don't expect my committed drinking friends to be happy about it. They haven't said anything negative but there have been plenty of suggestions of how they manage, alternating drinks, spritzers, stopping after 11pm etc.

They are full of shit, they aren't managing, they are all flirting with alcoholism just as I was, jeopardising their mental and physical health.

I say nothing about the fact I'm not drinking, just quietly order myself NA but it does get remarked upon. I always try to change the subject. I feel great, I still love socialising but I don't suffer the next day anymore.

God I know. Maybe I'll be posting on Mumsnet hoping for like-minded ageing winos.

I’d miss sharing a bottle. Wine by the glass is often awful. I’m aware being pregnant means I can’t drink and frankly I’m bored by the second glass of lemonade so then don’t get any more drinks and it does impact. I find it’s better to go for a meal than just drinks when I’m not drinking.

I mean, you don't HAVE to drink so much you end up with a hangover. Obviously you don't have to drink at all it's just that then I have to put you in my Heavy Sigh Obligation Meet-up box.

I think amongst friends often no fun being a sober person amongst somewhat drunk people and it's no fun being somewhat drunk when everyone else is completely sober. Conversations just have different rhythms.

But it's possible I think to have two or three drinks when with people who are not drinking, or vice versa, without overly mismatched conversations.

So maybe your feelings about this are connected to your perception of your mother?

I have been very drunk with friends. I have also cried with laughter with friends when we were all stone cold sober.

If you haven’t, I would suggest you need better friends, not more alcohol. Good luck!

I understand OP. If you are drinking wine and everyone else is sipping Diet Coke it obviously changes the vibe. But you’ll get no sympathy here. On MN, anyone who drinks more than one glass of wine a month is an alcoholic and on a one way ride to liver failure.

I know what you mean. It’s not a shared experience anymore, not really. And it’s probably a bit boring for them nursing a fizzy water while everyone else is getting pissed. The solution is to change what you do together - go to the cinema, gym, a dessert parlour, a walk, an art class, a book club, a concert, a spa, a talk, craft/jewelry making/zumba class (there’s always loads of local things on Eventbrite) - places that aren’t centred around alcohol would probably be much more fun for everyone.

The issue I had is not drinking non alcoholic drinks but friends would only stay 90 minutes then drive home because they found being in the pub weird sober. The odd thing was that I don’t drink that much but am happy staying out sober, they are not

I agree with you. I'm the one that stopped drinking due to health stuff, and I miss that bonding silliness instead of sitting with a stick up my arse.
I'll often get alcohol free beer so it looks like I'm drinking too, and try and join in the daftness so no-one is any the wiser.

Yes absolutely. And there's also something a bit "I'll be leaving soon" about driving to a night out.

This.... alcohol makes you more honest.

People tell the truth when they have had a few, they cant help it and truth makes you closer, it builds trust. I remember being on a night out with one of my best friends, her having a big tantrum about her boyfriend, and us telling her after a few drinks that she was being a needy cow.

She told us the next day when sober that she needed that honesty & it probably saved their relationship. They are happily married 20 yrs later.

Yes you can achieve these situations sober but a lot of people alcohol is a social lubricant.

I do the same. It takes a bit more effort though doesnt it!