Secretly I hate when my friends give up drinking

[CurdinHenry]

Not because I want to go in a heavy night out

Not because I think I have any right to tell them what to do

I just don't enjoy their company so much when I'm having a glass of wine and they're having a fizzy water

I do get it OP!

obvs the perfect MNetters will come on to say that you/we have a problem blah blah. But it’s about a shared joy, more relaxed and having similar conversations. I think someone already said, but non drinkers also more likely to drive and go home early as they have less buzz and feel more tired. So the evening is just different.

and to note - I’ve been both!

I think it feels like it portents orange squash at a day centre in my dotage

I’m with you on this, OP. I’d never say so to any of my friends, obviously, but my heart sinks slightly when someone announces they’re not drinking. Just feels less convivial. Clearly not my friends’ faults though and I don’t love them any less for it.

However, in the world of Mumsnet alcohol is a hideous vice and everyone who actually enjoys a drink now and again is an alcoholic, and liking to engage in the millennia-old European culturally ingrained practice of friends socialising or celebrating with a shared drink means you’re basically Satan and it’s actually the drinkers who are no fun, with their laughter and relaxed vibe and willingness to stay out until closing time, and the fun ones are the people who sit there for two hours with one lime and soda and purse their lips if anyone swears.

Before anyone says “You wouldn’t say this if you had experience of living with an alcoholic” - I absolutely have had that experience, and that’s precisely why I know the difference between someone who likes a drink and someone who is addicted to alcohol.

I agree. I really don't care what they drink but invariably people who are drinking sparkling water / sprite go home earlier, are leas chatty, etc. I myself can only drink 2 glasses of wine/2 cocktails per evening now since I had my.last baby so I'm not one for a heavy night but there is a genuine difference in how people behave.

I agree with you I'd never say anything to someone who decided to quit drinking but the type of relationship we had would definitely change and I would miss that. Im not talking about going out and getting pissed but a few drinks in the beer garden on a warm day you can't beat it and I would be a lot less interested in doing this with someone sat their with a glass of water

A perspective from the other side - I think people who lean on alcohol / look forward to ‘drinking’ must not have much going on! It seems so unhealthy / a negative life force to me. I don’t have time for hangovers and can’t enjoy life feeling crappy or like I need a drink. I wondered if you had a problem with alcohol if you have to think about it / peoples habits to the extent you have to post about it.

A pub quiz is actually a really good activity to do with drinkers and non-drinkers. Maybe that’s the way to ‘do the pub’ with non drinking friends.

It does, definitely more tiring. Although no hangover is fun.

Trouble is that they may have already put you in theirs.

I do have a very full life. I love a glass of wine with close friends and interesting people and if someone stops being able to do that with me I miss them and what we used to be together.

For me it's also the stuff that goes with it -

"Oh I don't need to drink to have fun"
"I'm taking more care of myself"
"I am on blah blah diet and wine causes inflammation blah blah"

It all just feels a bit morally superior

Why do you care what other people put in their mouths?

as the name suggests I’m a 20+year party girl now sober. I’ve had some fantastic experiences and memories helped by alcohol. But……. In the last few years literally all the bad $hit included alcohol. I’m so done with the hangover (and crap dull skin)

now sober I have to say in my experience it’s SO BORING listening to people who are drunk telling you the same thing for the third time on the same night!!

so maybe your friend feels equally uninspired by your company now too! 🤣

If a friend put me in that box I'd tell them not to trouble themselves.

wow. my friends don't say shit like that. We have too much else to talk about.

fair comment

I get it OP. I gave up drinking 3 years ago, friendships change, especially when maybe they were built on boozy fun anyway

i accepted I might lose friendships when I gave up drinking, but if that is done to you it’s not as easy to accept

there is a very naice carehome near me where they offer a choice of aperitifs before lunch and dinner and nightcaps if they want it.

Agree

I sort of get you. But I have a few different friend groups. I have wine friends. Coffee and play date friends and friends that I just go for a walk with, So what im saying is I am that "wine" friend to some but not all. So if you care for your friend you can become their walk friend, their coffee/lunch friend and then have your wine with your other friends?

Where is this ? … asking for a friend 🤔

I rarely drink, I can't remember the last time I was drunk, maybe my best friends birthday party 18 months ago, and yet I agree with you.

It's not the same for either party. There's nothing worse when you're sober than a drunk person around you and I don't feel like you can have the same conversations sober as you do when you're drinking..
If I wanted a good night out I wouldn't necessarily choose to go with a friend who's going to be on pop all night , it's not the same vibe.

Weirdly I know what you mean. Friends who have never drunk are different from ones who give it up, I think.

I find the differences of experiences interesting.
For me, I know a lot more people who get more serious and more emotional when they’re drunk. I also find that sober people tend to find drunk people boring and that for me personally, quitting drinking has had such a positive effect on my mental health that I am less serious over all, not more.

I think this is what I don't get about what you're saying. It seems to be that you have friends who you drink with (whether that's a big night out or a couple of glasses) and that's the only thing you do with those people, so if they stop or cut down that can't happen any more.

That's weird to me. I do loads of different things with my friends - walks, coffee, theatre, meals... Some of them might involve a drink but not all, and I don't think there's anyone who I drink with as the only activity we do.

All of these activities can involve laughing till we cry, or having honest and blunt conversations, with our without alcohol.

One of my friends has recently stopped drinking, and I can't say it's made any perceptible difference to our get-togethers. One of our friends though does seems to have a real problem with the fact one of us now doesn't drink - and funnily enough it's the one who I've always quietly wondered if her drinking was problematic.

It changes the dynamic of the night out. I tend to forget about them and get drunk. Thankfully I don’t drink at home and don’t go out much, once I start on the wine I’m as drunk on one glass as I am after 5, just with worse balance.
I regret it most of the time unless I’m with funny drunk people. I over share with sober people. I just can’t go out and not have a drink in a pub or restaurant.